Kids in denial

[Tian]

Draft of post to survivors forum
Kids in denial
So I am out and learning to live again. It is good, I feel positive. The only thing that still feels very hard is that my adult kids won’t talk to me. They don’t seem to be dealing well with the fact that mum and dad are divorcing (surely a common thing in today’s world). They can’t seem to cope with the fact that I walked out on their dad (he had ordered me to leave yet was still angry when I did and yes, that is messed up). When I used the A-word (as in domestic A-word) it was Nope, mum is dead to us now.

Dad has told them (repeatedly probably) that  mum is  a crazy woman that he only just managed to keep from going berserk and harming them all by a system of rigid control. How would you even start to unthink a thing like that?

Kind people tell me my kids will come round. I’ve had to stop talking to kind people because I don’t think they will and I’m tired of hearing comforting fairy stories

My ex always said if I left him he’d make sure I never saw my kids again. He knew I loved them more than anything else in my life. I think this is the cruellest thing he has ever done.

[Lisa]

Hi Tian,

Thank you for sharing so honestly about something that must be incredibly painful for you. You’re not alone in going through this, it’s something other women have posted about before so, hopefully, they will be able to share their support with you soon. Abusers commonly use the children as a way to continue abuse after a woman leaves. They truly care more about asserting control than they do about the wellbeing of their own children. I am so sorry that he’s done this to you.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Tian]

Thank you for your kind words Lisa.

So far I have not met anyone who has experienced this, no one who can imagine it, few who are prepared to even believe it. So it would mean a lot to hear from people who have, can and will.

I understand that all this has been difficult for my kids, but they surely can see that their way of dealing with it is unhealthy and ….. just wrong.

When I was homeless none of them texted to ask if I was ok or even safe. That’s cold.

 

 

 

 

[swanlake]

I’m so sorry to hear about your experience Tian. It must be heartbreaking.

My abuser has adult children who I met when they were small, and often used them as weapons against me. It’s hard to know how to get around the brainwashing that’s so powerful that it convinces the children, courts, schools etc that we are the abusers and the real abusers appear to be reasonable and even abused themselves.

[Tian]

Hello and thank you for your kind words Swanlake. Yes, the school’s response was baffling. I went and had meetings and they told me to my face how little they cared about what was happening to my son. At least I got it all in writing should I ever need to show the court how hard I was trying to protect him.

Eventually, surely, they will look at him and think “D**n Dad, you are a mess” but whether they reach out to me, that’s out of my hands.

You take care of yourself xx

[Author]

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