King of the castle

[Catjam]

Apparently I haven’t put things away as I should. He decided to change things in his (removed by moderator) but because I haven’t put his things where he has moved them to. I have been putting his stuff away for decades. Tbh I didn’t even notice things had changed. So I jokingly called him (removed by moderator). I suggested he put his own stuff away in future. Bang in a mood.
We are supposed to be communicating to fix things. Part of that is I need to feel heard and not dismissed when I raise a concern. He promised in future he would, he will do anything it takes to save our marriage.
(Removed by moderator) I said I would appreciate it if I wasn’t made to feel like a maid or a slave. He looks puzzled so I explained I had felt he had spoken to me like I was the hired help. Instead of ‘oh I hadn’t realised’ or ‘it wasn’t my intention’ I got him going on about not putting stuff where he wants them.
Then he went on about some item he wishes to buy. I was dismissed. If I bring it up again to try and get my point across about being dismissed he will say I thought we had dealt with that. So dismissing me again.

I have realised how much I do and I start to wonder how much I wanted to do and how much I was conditioned to do. I always get up before him and take him a coffee in bed even if I have the day off. I was Ill in hospital a few years back and I came home to all his washing, no food in the house and a bed that hadn’t been changed in weeks. I carried the washing up and down stairs one step at a time.
It’s no wonder he is terrified of me walking away, where else is he going to find someone as daft as me to look after him.

[HunkyDory]

Funny Catjam, that was exactly what i called my ex. At first I took him a cuppa in the morning when I was up first. Then I noticed if he was up first he’d make his own, but not for me (because he thought I was still asleep). So I stopped. If he was ill, oh Lordy it was groaning and moaning and taking of temperatures and writhing around on the sofa… and me waiting on him hand and foot. I used to get awful migraines and some days I’d be in bed all day, only leaving my bed to throw up. Never got as much as a glass of water bought in, or checked on to see if I was ok. Dinners were served on a tray because he was generally on the phone to his mates. Oh but if my relatives came for dinner, he’d be hovering round, serving up, clearing dishes, washing up….they thought he was wonderful.

They really are overgrown toddlers wanting their every whim catered for. They have no sense of anyone’s needs or wants except their own. They exist in their own little self obsessed universe.

I was stuck, scared to leave or argue or ask him to do anything so continued being a skivvy. Had no choice.

So glad I’m free now and I hope you can be too. Xx

[Sunshinexxxx]

Yes I can relate to this. If I don’t tend to all his needs it’s bad mood/ “you don’t care”/a lecture. I go on doing it all just for a quiet life. But still there is something to moan/lecture about. And if I ask him to do anything he is in pain/our son should do it/he can’t because it affects his illness.
Funny how now I’ve asked for separation he does some of the chores and makes me cups of tea and i haven’t even had to ask!!

[Catjam]

Mine has suddenly started making me drinks but he actually raised it as a hey see I can look after you. It would be easier to list what didn’t hurt on the man. I too suffer with migraines and he now kinda asks if I want anything.

It’s the entitlement, until recently he has always worked more hours so I kept the house, raised the kids and worked part time. It seems even though I now work longer hours it makes no difference. He gets 2 days off a week as do I but only 1 together. He actually said that I should do any jobs around the house on my day off.

[Losingbattle]

I was exactly like this. I told him on several occasions I felt like a cook and cleaner for him. But yet hed still leave his things all over, empty cans…dirty washing…beard trimmings…cigarette ash. Even now we’ve separated but he hasn’t left the house and I’m still cleaning up after him. I just see it as them trying to hang onto some control over us. Also just utterly disrespectful. He used to make mess right after I’d cleaned or even comment on how my kids should do this chore or that chore.when at the end of it he wouldn’t.

[Catjam]

I worked longer hours during lockdown and came home exhausted. He wasn’t working but he would complain he hadn’t eaten all day, even though I bought easy stuff in for him. I still did all the housework and shopping while he channel surfed. He even complained about the hours I worked because he was home alone too much and he can’t stand that.
I am envious of those people who have managed to redecorate their homes or done their gardens these last few months. He wouldn’t do anything, not even hang the washing out when the weather was so good.
It’s like it’s beneath him. Woman’s work and all that rubbish.

[Beautifulday]

I can so relate to these posts! I was furloughed during lockdown and didn’t know of I was going to be laid off i was so so stressed and nervous, I started applying for other jobs but never heard anything back from any that I applied for which made me even more anxious. I have a mortgage which is in my name and even though my H pays towards it (the bare minimum he has to) he doesnt give anything else so I know if I was laid off it would be hard. I dont know anything about his bank accounts, how much he earns, how much savings he has etc I thought this was normal and I always tried to be the type of person who gives him independence and doesn’t snoop i know that sounds do stupid. But it wasn’t until my friends at work were saying their partners not even Husbands just partners would give extra toward house, give her money to get food shopping, give her money to get dome bits she wanted one even said her husband gave her his paycheck each month! Not that I would want that but it totally made me realise that its not right the way he is with money when we are married this is the reason I havent had children with him yet as i think to myself if he’s like this now keeping me short, not caring if I have money for food etc (he earns more than me) then what would he be like if I had a baby? I would end up paying for everything and if I can barely afford to look after myself each month no way could I support a child too.
Our home needs huge renovation he promised this would get done but it hasn’t, I saved 3k to get a plasterer in and new floors etc i couldn’t tell him so had to start it when he was at work. When he came home all he did was criticise said the plasterer was rubbish, told me everything was cheap and nasty yet he hadnt paid anything toward it, just me.

With regards to me being on furlough, the whole time he made me feel lazy and guilty , I would do things I could like clean and paint but other jobs involving say machinery or tiling etc which I know zi can’t do , if i asked him he would emphasise how he’s working hard and weekends are his time to unwind and chill. He’d then say do I nag you to deep clean? Or do diy? Even though you could because your off? Always made me feel like i was just lazing about when the reality was I wanted to be back in work, to get away from the house and to keep my mental health in order.

[Catjam]

He is upfront about his money but about (detail removed by moderator) ago I started hiding mine. Well I say he is upfront, he is to a point. He wants me to contribute towards the bills as suddenly he can’t afford to run the house. It’s rubbish. Over the years I have struggled to feed the kids or buy them clothes then he would take them out and buy them a new shiny item or let them start a hobby. He would buy the kit needed but then I would be left to find the money each week for them to go.
I had to go to work within days of my youngest being born, Still no help at home.
I am getting really angry now remembering.

 

[Wiseafter]

Guys. I got out not long ago after years with the a King of the Castle, a true alpha male. It was hard, hard work. I slaved, I skivvied, I lost my smile, my friends, my beautiful home was turned into a depositary for his stuff which I could never move without a huge tantrum. I spent years having sex whenever he demanded it, being told if I didn’t he would stray, I wasn’t a good woman to my man. I was main bread winner, housekeeper and parent while he coasted through spending his money, going out every weekend, being the hero and the charmer in a showy way so that everyone thought how great he was. What I thought was strength on my part – keeping going, trying to understand – was actually being buried alive. I was lonely and alone, kept hooked on grandiose future faking promises whilst nothing actually changed. Eventually I got away from him. The game was up, but at what cost? I am deep in PTSD and anxiety, depressed and also missing him because of the trauma bond and years of conditioning. Also, because I loved him. That was real for me and I am grieving that in a big way. It is the only reason I stayed. Being with an abusive man and trying to make sense of the behaviour and why we do what we do is impossible. Forget about it. There is no logic, no way of understanding. It is a life of chaos, crazy making, hard graft, little praise and reward, feelings of worthlessness and confusion because NOTHING is ever going to make sense, ladies. Everything you are experiencing Catjam, thousands of women out there will recognise as familiar behaviour. Now that I am away from this toxic relationship I feel as if I am waking up and the anger I feel is at myself for not being in control of my life – I am grieving for the loss of me. It is the most painful thing I have ever gone through. I have been conditioned for years to feel a level of discomfort and fear that is still in my belly and the guilt and feelings are there, even if he isn’t. He was absolutely King. No question. I just went along with it because the alternative was anger, spite, hatred, hostility, rage, weeks of silence, abuse, pushing me around etc etc. Now, I can see how abnormal it is to constantly try to please these men or even to be sleepwalking so much that we just do it without question. I am so happy you are questioning it, Catjam. This is because it is NOT OK. Their demands are crazy making and because it works for them so effectively by getting them what they want and they feel they are entitled to, the cycle continues. The only thing you can control is whether you keep sleepwalking through your life, or wake up and take control back. Food for thought.

[Catjam]

I haven’t slept much these last few days. During lockdown he was off, I wasn’t and he couldn’t even feed himself let alone help around the house. In a few years he retires but I am younger so won’t for several more. He is already talking about me getting a better job so we can enjoy retirement but it won’t be will it. He will be doing whatever he wants, spending all our money on his latest hobby, I will be working full time and then running the house.
It’s already filling me with dread. How ridiculous is that?

[Hazydayz]

Time enough to save for your own retirement then? is the good news! You could enjoy it one day… yourself! if you want? But sounds like you need to get that drain sorted!? Or move! Leave it alone! So you can enjoy your life then YOUR retirement, hopefully?…peacefully and pleasantly, when it comes around. Good luck with finding the answer and the saving of yourself 💞

[MeadowFlower]

Hello, omg your posts really seem similar to what my situation is like. My husband happily let’s me pay nearly everything and has had long periods of not working and not even trying to get a job but telling me I should work full time. He shouted at me about my cooking not being tasty enough to the point that I won’t cook for him anymore. I paid for a holiday abroad and when we got back he said he didn’t enjoy it. We had an expensive TV package and all he did was moan so I cancelled it and we have no package. If I confront him he has a strop. He’s all me, me. me. Yet when we met he had a good job and income. He was full of how we would have a great life together. His life revolves around his needs met by me. Even said before Covid when are you booking the next holiday? Omg

[Hazydayz]

You have my sympathy Meadowflower. What a Lazy no good parasite you have hanging on there! My husband’s the same sort of drain! Good luck getting out of the situation 💞

[Catjam]

I was asked the other day if I had a magic wand and I could have a life I wanted what would I wish for? Part of me still wants him to wake up and see how he is.
I have started night classes, I made tea before I went but he barely eat anything because it was too early. I left the plates on the side and when I came home, he has scraped them clean but left them on the top. It would have taken 2 minutes to put them in the dishwasher. He got the cups ready but sat in the room and waited for me to make the drinks. It’s such little things but it’s exhausting.
I have finally reached out to a counsellor so hoping this helps give me the strength I need. I know deep down he will never change and that I need to be away from him.

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