Know it’s the right thing, but still could use the support please

[Exhaustedwife]

Hi, So I don’t ever join forums or post but I don’t know where else to turn

I have been with my DH for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) yeard and we have two kids together. (detail removed by Moderator) We have been together since I was (detail removed by Moderator). We come from very different backgrounds but we’re very much in love and appeared we wanted the same things. I’ve always struggled with my mental health which he has known from the start. I got pregnant within (detail removed by Moderator) and suddenly was in a very different world to what I had known. I’ve grown up in a reasonably stable household from the outside, but in reality lived with a very clever, intelligent, emotionally and verbally abusive, cheating father who my mother left before I met my now DH. I have done nothing but love this man and try to do everything to be a good mum and good partner. I’ve worked full time as (detail removed by Moderator), ran out home, always been faithful, and he has always worked and been a good dad.

The sad truth I now know is the abuse started almost at the beginning with over the top emotions. He was jealous but would use my insecurities as a young new mum as justification. Within a couple of years his anger issues became apparent and he would anger easily, shout, punched a few walls, would go out to football and nights out several times a week and said that hed always told me he wasnt going to stop any of the football. I had police called by a neighbour due to then hearing the carnage and he’s been smashing up the house with a (detail removed by Moderator) ….in hindsight I know I should have called it all a day then but I was (detail removed by Moderator) in a whole new world, in love with someone who I believed just was damaged and young himself and not knowing better. He seemed to settle down and we made another go of it. He’s always wanted to know where I am and who I’m with, but I felt the same, the difference is id update him or let him know things and I never got the same back. Over the years we settled into the toxic pattern of him working and then doing all his activities whenever he pleased, not helping around the house but he stuck around, paid the bills and did love the kids so surely it wasn’t all that bad?! That’s what I told myself. Fast forward to (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, things are in a good happy place for us and we finally get married. Naively I thought we’d grown up and this was the start of our happy ever after. Boy I was wrong …mge became more distant, angry, entitled …fast forward to (detail removed by Moderator) is seriously ill and dying (she was like my mum) and he decides now is the time to be the most horrible hes ever been, it gets to a stage where in a row where hes leaving me he tells me he cheated on me twice (detail removed by Moderator) years into our relationship ..his reason for telling me then was apparently so i wouldnt feel so awful about how id ruined us as hed made a mistake too!!!! We have a whole load of major family problems over next few months, and I lost my (detail removed by Moderator). Eventually I had a full on breakdown and he actually rowed with me, hit me, and left me. I took myself to a and e because I knew it was serious and I was nearly sectioned, instead released into my mums care under crisis visits daily. He said this was all attention seeking but after a few days and conversations with my mum he came home apologetic and with all the right words wanting to make things right and support me through things. I stupidly agreed.

Fast forward to today. (detail removed by Moderator) years of being screamed at, called disgusting names, told how pathetic and ridiculous I am, taking away my phone and keys at times. Winding me to points of full breakdown and then getting help involved to point out how bad I was. Questioning my parenting due to my mental health. Controls finances (I no longer work due to my mental health), makes it hard for me to see people. Constantly walking on egg shells. Then (detail removed by Moderator) he’s upped it even more to physical violence. He has broken my nose, blacked my eyes several times, split my lip, split my eyebrow, grabs hold of my face so tight I have handprint bruises, grabs me and throws me around, has punched me in the head more times than I can remember, leaves bruises all over my arms and legs, has held a knife to me, throws things at me, fills up cups of water and throws them at me when he doesn’t want me saying certain things, has smashed up my phone, my makeup, let the tires down on my car so I can’t leave the house…I’m threatened to shut my f*****g mouth, he will knock my teeth out, smash my face in, etc…..never once has he said sorry and when questioned on that he says because hes not, why did he do it? What did I do to make him? For some stupid reason I end up feeling guilty and like it’s my fault and end up in a numb cycle of not challenging anymore and just trying not to rock the boat. We do have good days in between but I’ve realized the good times are really just times where his needs are being met and he isn’t challenged! He left me in (detail removed by Moderator) but then because we both have a name on the tenancy he has been in and out and controlling everything since then. He has gone to his mums and saying to me that if I want us to work I need to see my behavior and show him I live him because he doesn’t feel it…..the truth is thats because i dont anymore. I am so tired. So so exhausted. So hurt. And me and the children are happier when he isn’t here. I have finally gone to a local council to help with me and the children moving, but in the meantime in still stuck in this numb eggshell limbo, with him trying to convince me and guilt me. I know it’s not me. I know I don’t deserve this. So why can’t I help but feel sorry for him?! I am determined this time I’m not giving in, I know the cycle and I don’t recognize this man anymore. I’m just holding out for my own place and new start, but God I don’t know how to cope whilst I’m waiting.

I’m so sorry for the huge message. I just started writing and it stared coming out. The depressing thing is this is only the tip of the iceberg

[Lisa]

Hello Exhaustedwife,

Thank you for sharing this with us, it sounds like you have been, and are going through, so much.

The behaviour you’ve described from your ex partner is extremely abusive and sounds really concerning. It’s good to hear that you are no longer living with him, but we understand that this does not necessarily mean that the abuse has stopped or that you’re safe.

I hope that the council have been supportive when you’ve approached them about a move. Have they referred you for specialist domestic abuse support too? If not then it may be worth considering connecting with your local support service, which you can find here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

Take care and keep posting to let us know how you are doing.
Lisa

[wildandfree]

Hello Exhaustedwife

I couldn’t just read and run. What you have been through and are going through is awful.. NONE OF IT IS YOUR FAULT. You deserve so much better than that. Do not let him guilt you into letting him back in.

I wish I had more words of advice to make this less painful. I am out and on the otherside, and life gets so much better! Keep moving forward (crawling if you have to), you and your children deserve a happy life, free of control and fear.

Stay safe. Stay strong. Keep posting on here anytime you need.

Sending love x

[Author]

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