Lap dancers

[nbumblebee]

So heres a new one for you!!!

My husband went away with a mate. He told me when he got back that he loaned his mate money so he could have a lap dance as they went to strip clubs.

Husband says he did not he said he sat in the bar. His behavior since his return has been quiet not in a bad way he has been calm and nice and not pushed for sex at all. I dont know if I believe him.

Should I be angry at a lapdance? Im angry that he enabled a married friend to have one. Im not sure how I feel about this.

Im just grateful for some extra peace time. X

[Lisa]

Hi nbumblebee,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Its understandable that this is bothering you and playing on your mind. Abusive men have no respect for women and a lot of misogyny is objectifying women, feeling entitled to sex and their bodies. You have a right to be angry about this situation.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[nbumblebee]

Thank you Lisa for aknowledging my anger I thought maybe I was being unfair. Much appreciated x

[gettingtired]

I’m glad you’re at least getting some peace. I would find this very unacceptable. It’s completely understandable that you would not trust him so you’re completely within your rights to not be ok with this xx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you GT x*x

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hello nbumblebee

so sorry to hear this.

For me it’s unacceptable and is similar to something I experienced with my husband and it hurt, I was angry and it had been a secret he kept from me until an anniversary dinner some years later. It was during a stag night for someone close to me.

husband says he didn’t get a private dance but they paid for groom to be.

I was disgusted he’d even gone to a lap dance club and trust was broken as he could’ve told me, made it a joke I may have been ok with it but it feels like cheating when your husband goes to these kinda places and then even more it’s a secret.

he made me feel like I was in the wrong. I don’t understand how married men can’t see this as cheating. If I deliberately went to see another man naked regardless of the setting my husband wouldn’t be happy. I don’t trust the intentions of the women working in these places and worried that there was even more involved than a dance. Yes it made me feel insecure.

i have said to myself it’s unacceptable for me , it hurt me and he went again years later I knew he would go as it’s was a stag night. I won’t tolerate it ever again.

i know some women and men think it’s ok. But I think it’s more society allows men these things that a women should except it’s what a man does.

notball men like these kind of women, some men, abusive men are happy with the way women are portrayed in these settings.

i hope you’re ok and I suggest you talk to your husband.  Set a boundary if he doesn’t agree then you have to think is this acceptable for he?

best wishes snd hugs CB X

[nbumblebee]

Huge thank you CB i was beginning to think i was being unfair to him. He admitted his friend saw and touched but he said he didnt which i dont actually believe. I spoke to another man about this and he thought i was being unfair that all men looked at lap dancers!!! I think if i had a man sit on my lap topless my husband would go crazy. One rule for them another for us. Thank you for making me feel less crazy cb xxxxx

[Marmalade]

So I think this is quite nuanced.

My personal view is disgust. I don’t understand people who do this and I would be really unhappy if my partner went to one so I understand your feelings nbumblebee.

But I am really uncomfortable with any suggestion that it’s abusive men only who go to these clubs. Yes some men who go there may be abusive, but a lot won’t be. My long ago ex husband was taken to a lap dance club on his stag night by his best man. I was furious, but neither of them was a remotely abusive man. Lapdance clubs for stag nights are really common.
I also know businesses who use these clubs as client entertainment and hospitality. Some men take clients golfing/drinking/to lap dance clubs as they know the clients like them.
It also makes me think about male strip clubs/Magic Mike type live shows. Not my scene at all, but I know ladies who love them and get front row seats to get a lap dance. It’s seen as a girls’ night out with the husbands left at home. These ladies are not abusive people at all.

So I think the whole issue is more nuanced but I totally agree with not liking it and feeling very unhappy about a partner going to one.

Hope you are ok x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you. And I agree with you this was never about abusive behaviour it was more about the unfairness. If I had done this I would never have been forgiven seems like there is one rule for him and another for me.  Thank you for validating how I feel it means alot. Some days you feel like abuse is all you can think about and picking away and whats right and whats not is hard hard work. Xxxx

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