Learning to Set Boundaries

[Rising Tide]

My abuser has moved out, which is great, but I need to learn to set boundaries as I need to co-parent with him. He’s already pushing boundaries and just sent some ‘friendly’ texts to be supportive of the kids. But I know it’s part of the cycle. We’ve been here before. Does anyone have a resource on learning to co-parent and set boundaries with an emotional abuser?

[twilightsparkle]

Setting boundaries with an abuser is very hard. For many years he have been successfully convince you that you are the problem and everything is your fault. Well, it’s not true. I don’t have experience in co-parent with a emotional abuser, however my dad has been the abuser and he has always been all over my business all the time with a lot of criticism, I have always done what he wants and how he wanted.

He has been nasty when I started setting boundaries. First, you need to have clear in your head what you want, you are already very brave for telling him what’s not acceptable. You need to prioritise and don’t let him to intrude in your life. If he wants to talk about the kids, great! in the moment that is finished, then finish the conversation or walk away. It is going to be hard, he will be charming, don’t fall for it, they all do it to gain your trust and then they start again, he is not going to change.

Write your rules down in paper or text and send it to him. In the moment he crosses the line, let him know and walk away. He can talk to you when his attitude has changed and you are ready to talk to him, you are in control, when you are ready. You tell him, you don’t want to pay attention while he is not respectful and nice. Keep your guard up, don’t tolerate anything, if you give in a tiny bit, he will take that as a sign of weakness and push for more.

Remember, your rules, your kids, your house, you are in control, when you are ready (not on his terms). It is worthy!! You are stronger than you think you are, he is in the wrong, he is the selfish and don’t fall for the charms.

I hope this helps. You can do it!! You are strong and brave already.

[twilightsparkle]

You can always tell him to send the messages directly to the kids, instead of you.

[Rising Tide]

That is really helpful, thank you! Remembering that this is now my house and I am in charge is powerful.

[twilightsparkle]

Remember, he is the one who should be grateful for you allowing him to be in your life and your kids’ life. He deserves nothing. You don’t owe him anything. This is your life and nobody should dictate how you should live it. It’s always up to you and nobody else. My therapist says: What do you really want? Don’t think of anything body else when you answer that question, it’s just you in your head, you are very brave for asking yourself that.

You are in control. You are free to do as you please. If you feel down, give your kids big kisses and cuddles, tell them you love them unconditionally. That always helps me to cheer up when things get really hard.

You are doing very well, be proud of yourself and your family. Take the little victories too, not matter how small, tell yourself you are amazing (it always makes me smile!). You deserve to be respected and loved, you deserve kindness and tenderness in your life, whoever doesn’t like it can go away.

[fizzylem]

Yes, you’re spot on, it needs to be managed more like a business arrangement; factual; to the point; essential info only.

We use the Our Family Wizard an app, there are others. Helps no end with this. There’s a diary system so he can book his own time so you don’t ever need to get into things with him again. You can either accept or decline; means he has no space to carry on; everything is recored and stored so it can be utilised in family court if later needed. It removes the space for him to continue really but it gives you the space to give him the essential info us mum’s are required by law to give them. The way it’s set up also helps to prevent him from blaming you, because he manages it/things himself.

There is a co parenting course available, and it does give food for thought, whether you are in contact or no contact; they tell you that the first rule is to stay safe. You could call cafcass and get you both booked onto it, might give you a fighting chance if you both do it, and if cafcass write to him requesting you both attend then he is more likely to do it – in some cases x

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