Leave before you do something stupid, like I did

[Julka]

I’m writing with a very sad update.I never left last time I was here back in (detail removed by moderator) and received your support (detail removed by Moderator) years into a relationship which was a cycle of mental and emotional abuse, with elements of physical, and fairly long periods of ‘normal’. I stayed in the hope things would get better. They didn’t.
My husband tried and failed, and then tried some more. And I have mentally checked out. I stopped trying. Then I completely betrayed his trust.
He found out (detail removed by Moderator) ago. Things escalated rapidly. Police got involved, and my husband is now under bail conditions, which mean that he is not allowed to speak to me or contact me directly. We have small children.
As far as I can tell, he can only see what I’ve done to him. And I know what I’ve done and I regret it and I’m struggling to understand myself why I did what I did, why I put everyone and everything at risk instead of doing the right thing and just leaving. But then again I tried to leave so many times in the past and couldn’t, so I wonder whether this was me subconsciously engineering things that would mean that I’d have to leave, whether I was ready or not. I don’t know any more, I don’t trust my own mind.
In the first days I was so consumed my shame and guilt I was minded to agree to all his demands, i.e. leave the family home and go into rented accommodation. But now I’m thinking again. Why should I. My fault is moral, but has he no moral fault for all the years that led to it? For how he damaged me?
I’m in such a bad place at the moment. For the first few days, all I wanted to do was to revoke the bail conditions so that we could speak, sort it out. I feel like I cannot see or think clearly. I didn’t proceed with any of the actions the solicitor advised because I don’t want to escalate things any further. I feel guilty for what happened. I feel sorry for him and the family, my children, myself, everyone. I feel responsible for letting it all go this far. I don’t know which way to turn. My mind is already trying to patch things up and work out a solution that would allow us to go back to how things were because a lot of the time they were good. Children were happy. And the two of us were not as desperately hurt and unhappy as we are now.
I don’t know what to do. Please help me. I just don’t trust myself any more. I don’t know who I am. I should have left before I turned into what I am and hurt him so much. At least he tried. I checked out and went into a completely selfish mode, which in the end destroyed whatever semblance of normality we’ve had. Now children suffer, he suffers, I suffer. We’d suffered for years but I chose the worst possible way to end it.
Has anyone experienced anything like this?
And please, do not make the same mistake as me, if you can at all avoid it.

[Hawthorn]

Hi and welcome back to the forum😊

What a terrible trauma you have suffered, please try not to make it worse for yourself by blaming yourself. Abuse robs us of ourselves and turns us into people we are not. You are the victim here, not the perpetrator. There is no shame in wanting to give someone another chance and not wanting to leave your abuser, I would think most if not all of the women here gave their abuser chance after chance. Try not to let your brain trick you into remembering only the good times and into imagining you and your children were happy living in abuse. Abuse robs us of even the memory of what is to be truly at peace and happy.

You husband was abusive and violent. So abusive that he now is not allowed contact with you or your children. No matter what you might have done you never deserved abuse. A semblance of normality is sadly all you ever had, there are always “good times” in any abusive relationship, it is part of the cycle and is abusive also, it keeps us trapped in the abuse. The abuse is his shame to carry, not yours. How could you leave when everything he had done for years was calculated to trap you?

Rather than focusing on what you’re blaming yourself for, try making a list of all things he has done. The violence, the name calling, the verbal abuse. Now imagine a loved one told you their partner had done that, and then done what you did. Would you blame them? Shame them? Or would you understand that they were reaching out, screaming out for some humanity, some care, some love that was the opposite of what their partner was giving them. And you would think no less of your loved one. You would want to hold them, support them and tell them they never deserved any of this situation. That it is not their fault.

Please keep reaching out here and to your locals womens aid. You deserve support, this was not your fault.xx

[Dobedo]

You’re only human.

Psychological abuse does more damage that we realise. Sometimes survivors aren’t aware of the extent until years after they left the relationship. It makes you do things you wouldn’t do otherwise, sometimes to protect yourself mentally and physically, and sometimes its things to make you feel better.

No one has the right to abuse you, either mentally or physically, no matter how in love and committed you are, how long you’ve been together. The fact that physical violence wasn’t happening every day doesn’t make it any better, even subconsiously, your behaviour would have changed out of fear of angering him and it happening again.

You shouldn’t feel guilty; he doesn’t. He doesn’t see what he’s done to you, until you were numb from the pain of being repeatedly hurt by someone you loved and should have able to trust.

I reminds me a lot of my story. My ex partner and I split up not long into the relationship – I hated the way he spoke to me and it was becoming apparent that he was deeply controlling and sexist. This was before any violence at all, but I was scared of the possibility.

A week or so later, I called a previous boyfriend. I know; stupid mistake. I was lonely, I had been isolated for a while and it had been so long since I had even been held with some tenderness.

When we got back together (another stupid mistake) he found out very quickly that I had been with someone else. He made me feel terrible, called me all the horrible names he had called me before, except this time I thought I deserved it. He said I was a sl*t for being with someone else so quickly, I had betrayed his trust and I lucky that a man of his calibre even wanted to be with me anymore.

The abuse just got worse and worse. He brought up what I had done continuously in the middle of arguments, held it over my head for over a year, told me that wh*res deserve to be hit. When the violence started, he denied any knowledge of it, isolated me to the point that I felt like was going mad and monitored every single communication I made. I would end up doing anything to stop him screaming at me at full volume in the middle of night, since the neighbours would hear about what I had done.

And I stayed, because I felt guilty.

He’s magnified what you’ve done, and he refuses to see the immense damage he’s done to you. Its another form of abuse. You need to forgive yourself- you’re only human. Don’t let him use this to guilt trip you into doing what he wants.
It does not give him the right to abuse you.

[Julka]

Thank you for your responses, I really appreciate it.
I am fluctuating so much between trying to see the whole picture, and just seeing what I’ve done and trying already to find a way back in.
Yes, all those years were not normal, but I had never known anything else. My family of origin was completely broken, and I have been what you could describe as a highly functioning survivor of domestic abuse. I’ve had a successful career, none of my family or friends knew what was happening (except for little glimpses here of there). His family have had a good insight but never did anything to step in and try and help. I guess they have lived like that for a long time, and refused to let things out in the open properly.
I was just saying to a friend this morning I’m feeling so eerily calm today, and I have been desperately trying to figure out why. And I think I’m already entering the denial stage, hoping that this is all fixable, that I can just slip back, somehow, into what’s familiar.
My husband is only prevented from contacting me, he still has full rights to the house and the children. I have resisted taking any legal steps to change that, and am instead relying on his assurances (via a jointly agreed third party) that he wants to proceed amicably and with the kids’ best interests in mind. I am in the family home, he is staying with friends. Our reality means that we cannot really move in with family etc as they live too far away (mine in a different country). In practical terms, this is just awful, and I feel guilty for the fact that he is unable to live in his own house, even though its him who broke the law and not me. I’m considering applying to revoke the bail conditions. Am I completely stupid?
Please let me have your opinion, whatever it is. Thank you.

[Hawthorn]

You are not stupid, you have suffered such awful abuse and it is confusing you and clouding your judgement. Please please rather than revoking bail conditions you speak to your solicitor about having him legally removed from the house. He is only being amicable now because he hopes you will drop any charges and that he can weasel his way back in. I fear for you if you dont take steps to protect yourself against him. Abusive men have predictable patterns; will make you pay for denying his ego and calling the police. He does not feel guilty about how he has treated you, indeed he will view your (very reasonable) behaviour as being all the reason he needs to abuse you further going forward. I think deep down you know this is true.

Could it be you feel calm because you’re no longer sharing your home with a predator? You and your children deserve so much better than this. If you cant do it for yourself, try to do it for them. Children from abusive households are far more likely to be in abusive relationships as adults. This forum is full of women who mistakenly thought they had protected their children from the effects of abuse. The abuse is not your fault, but you have a responsibility to your children to protect them, to show them that abuse does not have to be tolerated. To be a free and happy mum for them.

Please reach out to womens aid for support and keep reaching out here. Sending a big hug xx

[Julka]

I’ve received an informal response from the case officer where she explained how I can proceed with the application but also advised that she does not think it is appropriate as the overall risk in this case is considered high (detail removed by moderator).
I’m so confused. On the one hand I want to trust him to do the right thing as I know how much he loves the children. I don’t want a legal battle. I don’t want to do any of it.
But at the same time to what extent can I trust my own assessment of the situation? Is he being reasonable and full of good will now because he is under bail conditions? Because he fears for the implications? Because he knows that if we started a legal battle he would likely lose because of what happened?
I choose to see him as a damaged human being that still needs my help because I know how much I hurt him with what I’ve done, but where is my compassion to myself? Why cannot I summon it? Why cannot I feel the anger that I should for everything he had done?

[Hawthorn]

You have been through a dreadfully traumatic experience and are in shock. The anger will come, but in it’s own time. How you feel is how you feel.

If he loved his children he would not have abused their mother and exposed them to an environment that demonstrated that abusing your partner is normal. You sadly cannot trust him to do the right thing. You have been together for many years and he has not changed. Abuse always gets worse. Damaged human not, that is no excuse for abuse. He is responsible for himself and his own actions. You cannot fix him, no one can fix another person. You never could. If it was possible he wouldnt still be abusing you. His behaviour, in reality, has very little to do with you. He would treat any partner the same way.

Please take the advice of your case worker. The abuse causes such confusion in our minds that we cannot trust our judgement in relation to our abusers. You are high risk. Believe that. He dangerous. Believe that. Trust the advice of those, like your case worker, who have your best interests at heart. You cannot trust your abuser.

You dont deserve this, at all, but you have had the strength to endure years of abuse. You have the strength to get through this.

Sending strength xx

[Julka]

It’s just that I find it very difficult to trust anyone but myself, I’m one of those ‘I know better’ nut cases. I think it’s one of my traits as an adult child of an alcoholic with a fairly traumatic childhood, from the earl days I learnt that others cannot be relied upon and I can only trust myself.
The irony of it, I am where I am now, and I’m choosing to trust my judgement over others with everything at stake, I’m choosing to trust my husband even though the evidence is there staring me in the face, I still think I know better than the rest of he world.
I’ve just made a move to have the bail conditions amended, against almost everyone’s advice. I can be very convincing and chances are they will agree.
I might be in shock, I might be trauma bonded but how do I act in a way that makes sense now? I haben’t got the time to recover.
My support worker has been amazing but I’m just one of her cases, and she has been off for the last four days and I feel like I’m just walking in the dark feeling for something safe to lean against and the only ‘safe’ thing I know is my relationship with my husband, that’s all I’ve known for almost two decades. And as nobody close to me knows exactly what has been happening, and I shot myself in the foot with the final betrayal, I feel now like I’m bringing all the abuse up just to excuse what I did. Even though I know I’m not. But it feels like it.
Does it make any sense?

[Hawthorn]

It makes a lot of sense in the context of the abuse and brainwashing you have been subjected to. Your relationship with your husband is an incredibly dangerous place, not a safe one. But abuse blocks even the memory of safety, security and peace.

Only you can decide when you are ready to step away from this dangerous situation. You are worth so much more, and deserve so much more than he can give you, but you need to believe that within yourself. No one deserves abuse. If you haven’t read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft I would really recommend it. You can read it for free on your phone. Or “How he gets into her head” by Don Hennessy. Try building your support network; GP, family, friends if you’ve not been isolated from them all. Abuse thrives in darkness and silence, you need and deserve support. Keep reaching out here too. You are not alone xx

[Julka]

I’ve been feeling so eerily calm. I’ve been trying to figure out why, and have two theories.
1. I’m in denial and my trauma bonded brain is already working trying to figure put the best way to to back to my ‘safe normality’, note invented commas.
2. I’ve finally realised that what I’ve done and the damage that followed means that the marriage is over and I can only move forward, hence the calmness.
I just cannot decide which of the above is true. They both make equal sense to me and I just cannot trust myself enough to know which one is true. All I know that number one is dangerous, but it is so tempting. That’s why I applied for the amendment of the bail conditions today. And I’m already starting to regret that in the moments of clarity.
Your opinions would be much appreciated.
Thank you x

[Author]

Posts