Leaving and children

[Pineapplepie]

How do you manage children if you leave your partner?

he drinks a lot, he has been known to take coke on weekend, he randomly falls asleep on the sofa, I’ve popped out and come back to the oven on/ candles lit/ doors open and he’s asleep

he openly said he does or says things to manipulate people or situations to get his own way

my eldest who is old enough to understand but not properly, (not quite a teen) has said he doesn’t want us to separate

I don’t think he will make it easy if I leave so trying my best to prepare in my head

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Pineapplepie

See my reply in your other post re children specifically.

when you say ‘manage children’, do you mean what you say to them about separating? You mention what he does/doesn’t do, so perhaps do you mean specifically around how to speak to them about his behaviour?

As you are planning on leaving, I would keep very quiet about your plans to anyone, especially the children. This isn’t their responsibility or burden, but they will need to understand as you all head away, and what you are going to.Youcan do it a bit at a time, that you will be spending the summer somewhere else, and have their key things packed.

Safety planning around leaving is essential. The Live-chat on here would be very helpful for this, and in helping the children. Generally, when the children find they are enjoying themselves, and living in peace, they tend to have few other needs! some brief chats initially around safe behaviours generally, and not specifically aimed at their father, but what behaviour is good and what’s unsafe and unacceptable. Being honest is one of them, and not manipulating people, emotional blackmailing to get your own way thinking your needs are more important than others. Also, something that can be a hard one to manage is to know times that it’s important to lie, for your own protection, and keeping others safe.

Do keep posting and get the help you need.

warmest wishes

ts

[Pineapplepie]

Thank you, I think i have worded it wrong, I mean manage to co parent children if I leave

the thought scares me for them to be on their own with him for a long time because of the reasons I mentioned

my eldest keeps asking if we are getting divorced but I’ve not mentioned this so could be something his dad has said.
I couldn’t tell the children anything as I know innocently they would say something so all plans I have to keep to myself as nobody knows the situation.

[Twisted Sister]

hi Pineapplepie

No problem, yes, I see now.

I would take the approach to only do what you feel is safe for them, and for you, don’t forget that you need to be safe also.  If you don’t feel it’s safe for them to be alone with him then arrange contact that you do feel is safe for them, with another trusted party?

You could ask your son why he would be asking you this, repeatedly, but that no, as he can probably tell, things are unhappy for you both sometimes, and you know that makes him unhappy too, but we are the adults and we will have to make life better for everyone, and that you know this must be worrying for him to watch his parents this way and does he have any other questions, and leave the door open for him to always ask whenever he feels unsure about anything.

Yes, wise to keep it to yourself anyway.  The less know the less chance he will find out. He will also potentially feel a change in attitude from you also something to be wary of and plan for, keeping talk normal, talking about the rest of the summer and such, so as to allay possible detection.

warmest wishes

ts

 

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