Leaving in a ‘good’ phase

[feelingtrapped01]

I’m sure lots of you will be able to relate, but how do we leave when you’re currently going through a ‘good’ phase. Things were absolutely awful for (timeframe removed by Moderator), and for (timeframe removed by Moderator), but now he has started doing more of the things I’ve been begging of him for years, like around the house, not insulting me / my looks, just small things. Some things remain the same, like me opening up to him or trying to talk to him about what’s bothering me and he’ll say I’m just nagging, it’s boring, I’m psychotic, crazy etc… so those things don’t feel like they’ve changed. And he’s still accusing me of crazy things like if I go Pilates, hairdressers etc, I’m accused of cheating, meeting someone etc. I am making such an effort to make positive personal decisions – take care of myself, exercise etc, and he hates it. He knows I’ve found a bit of confidence and it make him uneasy so he accuses me of things, or tells me certain clothes don’t suit me etc. So yes, some things remain the same, but it has been a few months since our last few really bad episodes – him throwing things at me / on the floor, pushing me, constant put downs etc. But I feel like there are lots of little signs that things are still the same, and I feel like with time it’ll all build back up again. I also can’t shake my resentment this time, seeing a therapist at the start of the year opened my eyes and now I feel like I can see clearly. We’ve been together since we were teenagers, and now I see how he ruined my self worth, my confidence in myself, targeted my insecurities to make me feel like that is who I am. But now I can see it isn’t. But now we have a child, and I have this deep regret that I stuck with him – though I would never regret our child.

I am so clouded but at the same time never felt clearer. But how do I leave when it’s a relatively ‘good’ phase? How do I split up our family with a young child when he hasn’t done anything ‘big’ for a few months? Do I wait around for the next big thing to happen?

I wonder if anyone can relate? I feel like I don’t stop thinking about it, finding moments of peace when he’s not home and I’m just on my own. My body literally rejects him now, and I feel guilty for that, I can’t shake that feeling of rejecting him, of hating feeling his touch. I feel mean to feel that, but I know it’s because of years of emotional warfare.

[Daisy82]

I can relate.

I think the cycle and the inconsistencies make it very hard and the better times lull me into a false sense that things are improving… but then they get worse.

I have been trying hard to be assertive but then im getting more harsh tones and looks. This week every time I come home its all negative and picking up stuff I haven’t done, or done wrong, moaning about his day, not asking about mine.

Sorry, bit of a rant. But I just wanted to share, I feel very similarly. I also think he will be shocked if I left and I have no idea where to start.

I thought about writing stuff down when it happens, small and big, so I can look at it all to give perspective but don’t know where to keep it private.

[Daisy82]

Also, your comment about moments of peace. So true, I just feel relaxed when he is out then tense when he arrives, even if all ok.

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