Leaving in a ‘good’ phase

[feelingtrapped01]

I’m sure lots of you will be able to relate, but how do we leave when you’re currently going through a ‘good’ phase. Things were absolutely awful for (timeframe removed by Moderator), and for (timeframe removed by Moderator), but now he has started doing more of the things I’ve been begging of him for years, like around the house, not insulting me / my looks, just small things. Some things remain the same, like me opening up to him or trying to talk to him about what’s bothering me and he’ll say I’m just nagging, it’s boring, I’m psychotic, crazy etc… so those things don’t feel like they’ve changed. And he’s still accusing me of crazy things like if I go Pilates, hairdressers etc, I’m accused of cheating, meeting someone etc. I am making such an effort to make positive personal decisions – take care of myself, exercise etc, and he hates it. He knows I’ve found a bit of confidence and it make him uneasy so he accuses me of things, or tells me certain clothes don’t suit me etc. So yes, some things remain the same, but it has been a few months since our last few really bad episodes – him throwing things at me / on the floor, pushing me, constant put downs etc. But I feel like there are lots of little signs that things are still the same, and I feel like with time it’ll all build back up again. I also can’t shake my resentment this time, seeing a therapist at the start of the year opened my eyes and now I feel like I can see clearly. We’ve been together since we were teenagers, and now I see how he ruined my self worth, my confidence in myself, targeted my insecurities to make me feel like that is who I am. But now I can see it isn’t. But now we have a child, and I have this deep regret that I stuck with him – though I would never regret our child.

I am so clouded but at the same time never felt clearer. But how do I leave when it’s a relatively ‘good’ phase? How do I split up our family with a young child when he hasn’t done anything ‘big’ for a few months? Do I wait around for the next big thing to happen?

I wonder if anyone can relate? I feel like I don’t stop thinking about it, finding moments of peace when he’s not home and I’m just on my own. My body literally rejects him now, and I feel guilty for that, I can’t shake that feeling of rejecting him, of hating feeling his touch. I feel mean to feel that, but I know it’s because of years of emotional warfare.

[Daisy82]

I can relate.

I think the cycle and the inconsistencies make it very hard and the better times lull me into a false sense that things are improving… but then they get worse.

I have been trying hard to be assertive but then im getting more harsh tones and looks. This week every time I come home its all negative and picking up stuff I haven’t done, or done wrong, moaning about his day, not asking about mine.

Sorry, bit of a rant. But I just wanted to share, I feel very similarly. I also think he will be shocked if I left and I have no idea where to start.

I thought about writing stuff down when it happens, small and big, so I can look at it all to give perspective but don’t know where to keep it private.

[Daisy82]

Also, your comment about moments of peace. So true, I just feel relaxed when he is out then tense when he arrives, even if all ok.

[Sogo1234]

I relate to this and I am planning on ending things soon while things are “good”. I do wonder if I’m giving up on something I shouldn’t though and my brain goes back and forth. I totally get your body rejecting him. Mine does it too. My chest feels tight around him. I’m unhappy/numb a lot of the time. Don’t feel like myself anymore.

I re-read all of my notes in my phone of all the fights, things he’s said and done. It shocked me because I’d forgotten a lot of it.

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this..it sounds like he feels like you’re getting stronger and possibly pulling you away so he’s using other tactics. We get desensitized to things over time but he is still being abusive by trying to control what you wear, name calling/accusing etc.. I really hope you manage to leave x

[DaisyLavender]

I can relate to this also, and its been many many years of up and down and recently it has been much worse than before. So when I thought things were improving, it was relatively stable for a while but I have now noticed, as soon as he has ‘stress’ on something he takes this out on us. We walk around on eggshells, no one can interact because he is so passive aggressive and irritable, it quickly turns to shaming us if we have put something in the wrong place or ask a normal question. Its us that is wrong according to him.

i just think there will be good days but ultimately they are in control of their actions and they will still allow their bad behaviours to be projected to you.
I think it depends how you can self manage yourself and live your life?

i too had counselling recently and it opened up my eyes and made me see, as you have, your self worth and what you deserve as a human, to be treated like and respected with boundaries.

If I could wave a wand, I would be in my own place with my children but its so complicated and not easy to get to that stage. Especially when the emotional abuse is not seen by others. I keep a record now of all the times he has put me down, called me names, tried to threaten, shamed or belittled the child, in that I can put this forward as evidence. He will do the same and make accusations against me. He hurt me and said it was me who hurt him in self defence protecting. I did make a police report and he was fuming and couldn’t believe I think he is an abuser. He actually does not see that his behaviour is unacceptable! Sadly he came from an abusive upbringing that I had no idea about until when our problems started.

Keep doing things for yourself and feeling good and getting stronger as time goes on emotionally and mentally. My counsellor said dont engage with their comments. Dont respond. If you can write down what he said, and why you know its rubbish, and compare it to what a good friend would say. You can remind yourself you are great, you deserve a life and go to pilates, exercise, hairdressers whatever it is. Its hard to build up that ‘i am ignoring your comments’ but is needed to survive.

I too feel repelled by him and really long for a loving relationship.

sending you continued strength!

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