Leaving in an argument

[Butterfly-A]

Ive been really close to leaving multiple times recently and almost given myself a time line, as I know otherwise I will never do it and just keep putting it off.

But naturally, the urge to leave increases during arguments. It just feels like the most natural time to pack a bag quickly and say I am leaving, but I worry about the consequences of this.
Firstly, as he will already be angry, this could result in aggressive behaviour towards both myself and himself.
Secondly, I worry that it won’t be taken seriously. Abusive or not, everyone says things they probably usually wouldn’t in a state of anger.

I wonder what others views are on this?

Is it better to have a concrete plan?

Another concern of mine would be that leaving in this state, would likely lead to going back?

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, I would.recommend reading Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven, she simplify’s what is abuse is. The more you learn about it the more you will see it. Also, keeping a journal is really helpful.

Hugs
HFH ❤️

[Butterfly-A]

Hi HFH,

Thankyou! I will have a look

BA xx

[Sad and alone]

I get what you mean. When you’re in the midst of it all kicking off it feels like if you could click your fingers and be away from it it would be great. However if you leave suddenly you are more likely to question your decision – have you been too hasty, was it a snap decision, do you really want to leave. And it’ll prob be compounded by him calling you asking you to come back.
I left once and drove to a relations about (detail removed by Moderator) hours away. I didn’t tell him I was going – he had left to do a job. He couldn’t believe it when he called me and I told him where I was. He said he didn’t know and hadn’t put our animals away and they were out in the dark with no food etc. Trying to make me feel bad, never mind he’d smashed up furniture which hit me, screamed and shouted at me. He made me feel bad for leaving. To the point I wanted to come back as I felt I had overreacted. I’ve never gone as far since but when I do leave, because I want to get away from him, he always calls and asks me to come back and sort things out. Which just means me accepting I was wrong and need to change the way I am.
So in short, although your emotions and will to leave may feel the strongest during an argument, you are more likely to go straight back again.

[Butterfly-A]

Hi Sad and alone,

thank you for your reply.

this is exactly what I fear if I leave in an argument.

like you say, it feels like with a click of your fingers it will all be done and its almost more acceptable in an argument.

I imagine it would be very similar to what you had experienced.

Hopefully we will both get there soon xx

[Bananaboat]

Initially I thought about leaving, then I started saying it in arguments but he’d not believe me or it’d be forgotten the next day, then it became when I said it it would start to get longer silent periods in response and I’d think it’s sticking but ultimately cave, until one day I said it and made it stick. It’s like we have to try everything, give them every chance before we give ourselves permission to go. I can’t say what’s right for you, the key things though are number one – be safe! And second, remember you have a choice so if you cave in and stay it’s ok you can change your mind and go at any point – abusers make us forget we have that choice. Look up FOG too (fear, obligation and guilt). As others have said, the more you learn -> the more you see -> the more you accept you have to leave x

[Butterfly-A]

Hi bananaboat,

The manipulation is unreal isn’t it!, and the way they make themselves to be the victim every single time.

Thank you for your words, I will keep on learning.

BA xx

[Better-days]

Hi Butterfly-a I just want to reach out I’m still stuck in my relationship for now. There’s no screaming or smashing things or jealously in our relationship he had a bad temper it has got better over the years but can still blow hit and cold he’s so cheeky tho his attitude is shocking I tried to leave years ago and he flipped out threw things at me was screaming and grabbed me I was terrified he said no one will take his kids. I then realised if I ever left I would need to escape Someone on here told me you don’t leave an abuse marriage you escape and I understand this one hundred percent. I want to leave more than ever. I know Co parenting with him will be extremely difficult and worry he will brainwash my kids putting them at more risk is what has kept me here. Keep safe xxxx

[Butterfly-A]

Hi Better-days,

thank you for your words and support.

Yes that is true, it’s like a whole escape plan and its exhausting.

im at the point now that I am searching for help to leave, just for some guidance on the right times / methods whatever to do it. but it feels almost impossible
everyone I speak to says I have to leave, his behaviour is not right, but the detail of the difficulty of leaving is just not understood at all.

I hope we will both get there soon, take care of yourself

BA XX

[Better-days]

It definitely is exhausting trying to figure it all out but I’m finding this whole relationship exhausting and draining me from the person that I should be. I have not slept my whole body feels in total panic mode because iv decided to reach out to my local woman’s aid and find out if I can apply for a house on social housing and see what happens we will get them small steps at a time ❤️

[Butterfly-A]

All the best better-days. Just think of the future of a life you will love xx

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