Leaving with kids

[Foreveryoung111]

Hi,

im really after some advice on leaving an abusive relationship with kids. There has been some element of physical abuse in the past, but long ago and minor. Since our (timeframe removed by Moderator) it’s been strongly emotional. He has a lot of demands and unmet needs that i just can’t satisfy! He blames me everything, I’m the problem, he’s the victim, he says the most nasty of things to me and punishes me with withdrawal, looks of disgust not wanting to look or go near me for days. He is honestly vile. I never ever argue back or call him names I end up trying to de-escalate which doesn’t work and I now wouldn’t even bring up the smallest of problems to him, because he just flips it on its head and makes it all about him. He says his love is conditional, transactional even.

recently I found a note that has opened my eyes to a new level of deception – something he always said he was strongly against.

anyway I’m done and ready to leave but with children involved I don’t know how! In mg heart I want to pack a van and move (distance removed by Moderator) to be with my family (still in uk) but I know he may just get a court order so this can’t happen.

He’s a very hands off father / I literally do everything so I really don’t want 50/50 custody. And selfishly I just won’t want to have to share them that much!!! They are so little I don’t even think overnight stays would work.

im not sure how he would react if I just stayed and asked him to move out. He might gladly leave in a spiteful way or he could turn really nasty. So I’m trying to plan my exist carefully and figure out what’s best.

my eldest (detail removed by Moderator) school so that’s another issue for leaving the area secretly. I don’t want to upset their current stability but I really really want to get away and just start over.

What do you think / have experience with that’s likely to happen with the kids? Will I be allowed to move? What kind of set up of visits am I likely to have to do?

thanks

[Neverendingstory]

Hi ForeverYoung
Sorry i can’t really give any advice as i’m in a similar situation but my kids are now older, i wish i could turn back time and have left years ago
The only thing i can suggest is to ring Women’s Aid helpline and they will be able to give you advise or speak to a solicitor who deals with domestic abuse (I believe some will give you a free session)
I know how hard it is to be in this situation, we just want the best for our kids and to have some peace
There are many women on here who have left with children who can better advise you
Love and strength to you x

[Marmalade]

Hi Foreveryoung111,

You will need some legal advice so see a solicitor who does family law who can advise you on your specific circumstances. Some solicitors may offer the first 30 mins appointment free of charge.

Generally speaking, contact is frequently ordered by courts even when there has been domestic abuse. It is also common for there to be a 50/50 split. What will be agreed/ordered in your case will depend on the particular circumstances.

If you are planning on taking the children out of the UK then he may have the right to object and force you back. If  you are attempting to move closer to family in the UK, then he might try to get a court order to stop this happening and for the children to stay in their schools until the contact arrangements are sorted.  A solicitor can tell you how likely he is to be successful or not if he tries to do this .

Good luck with everything.

[Lionsloth]

Get some legal advice and support so you know your rights and options. But also know if you think it’s best for you and your children pack that van and then when safe you can sort the legalities. Good advice above about with who to reach out to, take the support, stay strong and you can do it for you and your children.

[Author]

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