Left with these feelings

[Theducky]

Is it me?
After being away from my ex husband now for (detail removed by Moderator) and going through what I eventually realised was emotional abuse/cohesive control for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years, I’m now going through loads of self loathing, hate and quite a few other feelings.
I just want to eat to make myself bigger, so no one will want me,
I hate myself, I’ve dyed my hair (detail removed by Moderator) , had piercing and tattoos. I feel I shouldn’t be liked or loved by anyone anymore. I feel embarrassed about myself and not worthy. I don’t want to trust anyone or believe it when I get compliments (not that I get many). My self esteem has never been great but I’m on a complete downer, I’ve just come out of a severe mental health patch too which hasn’t helped. Is it just me or are these emotions and thoughts normal?, I just want to move on, get divorced, have nothing to do with him and feel better. Hate being me 😭

[Serenity]

Bless you, Ducky. I know where you are coming from.

My self-hatred, neglect of my health and looks started in proper a good decade before he left, and after the marriage ended, I was so traumatised dealing with his post-separation abuse and coming to terms with the fact that I had been been a receiver of abuse and control- not love- that I drowned my sorrows in too much wine, I forwent any healthy activities, I ate rubbish ; I put on weight, I didn’t care howai looked, etc.

To be honest, in the past couple of years or so since he went, I’ve had periods of trying to get healthy, then slipped back into unhealthy behaviours such as eating badly, then pulled myself up again, and so it has yo yo’d, normally corresponding to my state of mind. There are times I’ve hated myself since he’s gone, and times when I’ve not felt human.

At last, I think I am turning a corner. I’ve come off my tablets, I’m gaining control of my health and my eating habits, Im spending some time on home beauty treatments/ yet two years ago, I felt exactly like you, and was self- sabotaging hugely. I didn’t know how to do any different. I had been in a long marriage too, with lots of coercive control present.

I promise you that you will come out of this, maybe not tomorrow, but you will come out of it in your own time and your own way, but you must go all out to get all the support you can to get through this period. I had counselling for over a year, attended a support group and completed a Pattern Changing course. I couldn’t have got through without it.

The road to healing is an arduous one, but it’s a road that you can conquer, and you will get that self-respect and self-love back, because you will be so proud that you have got through it.

Being with an abuser is like being raped on all levels- emotionally, mentally, physically- and we are left with feelings of self blame and a lack of self-esteem and worth. It takes a lot to get it back- it’s like going on an archeological dig trying to rediscover it- but with help you can and you will.

Unhealthy eating was my way of self-comforting when I felt traumatised, and it’s important that you start to engage in some positive self-care- some gentle form which will help you feel cared for. After my ex left and through my divorce, I tried all sorts- reiki, reflexology, sitting in the jacuzzi at the local leisure centre, gentle walking and jogging, long baths, bed with a milky drink, meditation exercises..

It takes months and you might not notice any positive change for a while, but I think doing all the above things all together will set you upon the right path towards healing.

Keep going, and you will gradually recover your self-worth.

Don’t try to cope with all of this alone. Reach out for the support that’s out there.

[Author]

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