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Hi All. I’m feeling very confused about my relationship and very lonely in that confusion. I’m not even sure if my relationship is abusive. As someone who has suffered phsycial abuse in the past, it’s hard for me to be sure that what I’m experiencing now really is another form of abuse or if I’m reading too much into things.
I wasn’t sure how to go about explaining what is happening so I looked online and found a list of questions. So I might just use those as a prompt:
Does insult, critize or belittle me?
Not really. He never calls me names or laughs at me or anything that brazen. In fact when he’s in a good place, he is incredibly complimentary, funny, generous and kind. I think maybe the only thing I could put in this category would be his opinion of my job. I used to do a ‘passion’ job. Something I loved and was really good at but it was low paid with unsteady hours. So when I moved into the house he bought us and wanted to be able to contribute better, I switched to a corporate career. Working and studying simultaneously and while my pay isn’t great right now, there is huge opportunity for growth. But I work from home and he makes a LOT of jokes about how I don’t actually do anything. The occasional joke at my expense is fine, but he does it often enough that it’s making me feel a little insulted tbh. Like I know he works very very hard and extremely long days and long weeks but that doesn’t mean that I don’t work hard too. I’m trying a lot and it’s very draining being in a whole new work area and trying to learn and do well.
Does he control where I go, who I see, what I wear?
Not as such. He would definitely never tell me what to wear and is very complimentary if make the effort to look well. He also doesn’t control who I see by means of telling me what I can or can’t do. However, he refuses to spend any time with my family or friends. He puts this down to social anxiety and yes he absolutely does have s. anxiety but he gets over it for his work customers etc. Yet in the almost (timeframe removed by Moderator) years we’re together, he has met my (relative removed by Moderator) once and spent about a combined 2 or 3 hours in the company of (relative removed by Moderator). He hasn’t met any of my friends or any of my wider family. This puts me in a weird position where I dread invites to events that are for both of us and where I can’t invite my family or friends to our home. And on top of this he absolutely hates my dog. Mentions it regularly. And won’t mind him for me. The one time I went to an exam and left him with the dog, he was ringing me during the exam because the dog was whining. I used to regularly visit and spend weekends with my friend who lives quite far away, I now can’t because I can’t leave my dog with him. Basically his social anxiety or contrariness or what ever it is, massively curtails my ability to socialise even though he’s not actually telling me not to.
Is he jealous or possessive?
No, not at all.
Does he blame me for his problems?
Yes I feel he does. When he has a bad day at work, he can barely look at me or talk to me. He might grunt at me. Utter a few words over dinner. A dinner I make for him and because he’s had a bad day, he will inevitably say he doesn’t like it and throw it in the bin. Even if he previously, on a good day, said he loved it. We can go days, weeks even where he barely speaks to me and acts like I’m enemy because of something entirely unrelated to me. Maybe he would say when he’s struggling, anxious, depressed, whatever, he just needs space and he’s not blaming me, he’s just trying to be alone and stugggling to remain ‘normal’. But I’m supposed to be the person he loves. We’re supposed to be a team. He shouldn’t be pushing me away and speaking to me like I’m dirt, when he’s having a hard time. It hurts me and worries me and I have to try to figure out what’s really going on and if I have done anything wrong or somehow made things worse for him.
Does be threaten me or my loved ones?
No never. He’s not physically violent. He doesn’t even shout. It’s not like that. It’s different.
Does he monitor my activities and communications?
Again, no. That’s not how he is. And he doesn’t humiliate me in public or private. I mean I feel embarrassed sometimes. Like he thinks I talk too much. He’ll cut me off or he’ll say “can this be summarized in two sentences cause I don’t have time for this”. Or he’ll stand up and walk towards the door and hold the door handle to make me hurry before he leaves the room. Some people think I’m pretty funny but he doesn’t think I’m funny at all because he puts so much pressure on me to keep it short and sweet that I can’t make the punchline hit right or I’ve had to shave down my story so much it barely makes sense. He talks at length about himself and his job but he never asks about me or my life. Or at least very rarely and usually in a box ticking way. Like I have a close family member who is extremely unwell so he might occasionally ask how he is but then just nod and ask no follow up questions or make no comments cause I think he just knows he’ll look bad if he doesn’t ask so he asks without actually caring about the answer. That’s my opinion. I could be wrong. I don’t know if I have his intentions all wrong in this and everything else.
Deny things? Make me doubt my memory?
Well he twists my words. It’s always the same pattern. We’ll have a discussion about something like to resolve an argument. I might say something like “when you behave like this I worry that you don’t want to be with me. And that scares me because I really want our relationship to work. We need to be more open with each other so we don’t find ourselves in a place where we break up. We have to figure it out so we can avoid that and we can be happy”. He’ll agree. Then the next day he’ll say he’s been thinking ahout what I said and how I wanted to break up with him and how hurt he is about that. Like he’ll pick two words “break up” out of the entire conversation and say I said them in a way that I didn’t. It’s exhausting.
Does he withdraw affection as punishment?
Yes absolutely! He won’t admit to it but he’s for sure doing it. It can be because I did or said something he didn’t like or just because he’s unhappy with other things unrelated to me but he’ll go cold. One day he might be Mr Affectionate, the perfect partner and the next he’s turning his back to me, he’s rejecting any of my affections, he’s barely speaking to me. This is a very regular thing. Sometimes we might have made a plan like to go out for dinner or even a weekend away and I’ll say something without thinking, a little thing like disagree with him on something and I’ll immediately know he’s gonna cancel our plans and sure enough he does. He never admits it’s a punishment. He’ll say oh BTW money is tight so I cancelled the hotel. Casual as that. And I’ll be gutted. I used to show my disappointment and ask him to change his mind. Offer to help more with the cost or try to convince him to do something else fun but less expensive but it would never sway him. Now I just say “OK no problem”. Im used to it.
Am I afraid of his reactions?
I’m surprisingly afraid of him considering he’s not in any way physically violent. I really don’t think he has that in him at all. But I did experience physical violence and plenty of it in the past and I have a deep fear somewhere inside me that’s never fully left. I think that’s why just never knowing what mood he’ll be in puts me so on edge. I’m always walking on eggshells. Trying to make our life smooth. Making sure the house is clean, the grass is cut, the dinners made. I just want him to be how is when things are good. Cause he’s amazing then. But his moods change with the wind and I never know which version I’m gonna get and it makes me really uneasy. All the time. He walks into a room and I jump out of my skin and I know it hurts his feelings but I can’t stop doing it.
He’s never damaged my stuff. He’s never accused me of cheating. He does make me feel worthless in the sense that I feel myself disappearing day by day. I’m not the happy person I used to be. I’m anxious and confused, worried and on edge. I dont do the things I used to do. I spend so much of my time just working and cleaning and cooking and stressing. I can’t go shopping on a (day removed by Moderator) cause I need to cut the grass that day or he’ll be making snide comments about how long it’s gotten. I can’t go stay with my friend cause he won’t mind the dog. I can’t have my mum over for tea. I used to love Christmas. Like I was a Christmas nut but where my ex and I used to alternate chritmasses with my family and then his, my current partner insists on staying at home and avoiding my family and meeting up with his family for a little bit. Or having his kids (who I absolutely love and do not begrudge that part at all.) but there’s no reciprocation. He hates my dog so much that (timeframe removed by Moderator) he wanted me to spend it in a family members house (they were gone away (timeframe removed by Moderator) so the house was empty). He wanted me to spend it alone and him to spend it alone. We resolved it eventually but that was the plan and come (timeframe removed by Moderator) he made the same decision and I did spend (timeframe removed by Moderator) alone. My dog isn’t allowed to leave the (room removed by Moderator). He’s banned from anywhere else in the house but when his dog (who lives with his ex) comes for a visit (timeframe removed by Moderator), she’s allowed everywhere and anywhere. She’s up on the sofas, sleeping on the bed. He cooks her chicken and steak and takes her for hikes. The hypocrisy hurts me.
OK that’s enough ranting I think.
Im so aware that I’m only talking about the bad. I’m not mentioning that he’s the funniest person I’ve ever known. That he buys me pretty things. That the sex is incredible and attentive and never coercive. That he makes sure my car is in always in good working order and offers to pay for important things like doctors visits when I’m short on cash. When he’s good he’s wonderful but the good times are less and less and I’m really struggling at the moment and I need to understand what’s happening and what I can do about it.
If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading.
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Hey Surprisingly Swanky, thanks for your post which really struck a chord for me.
I’ve been pondering my reply which I’ll do properly in the next few days as there’s a lot to digest and I want to do you justice.
But for now in short, I’ve identified a few parallels between our relationships that made me gasp. Things that somehow hurt so deeply and feel cruel. So there’s a reason you feel the way you do, and my experience has told me that this is unlikely to improve.
I get you feel paralysed in deciding what to do next, it’s a hellish trap.
I did get out and I’ll be honest, I still question my decision, until I put myself back there in my mind, then remember how safe I am without him.
Xxxxx
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Reading your post again, I’d say he does belittle & criticise you. Subtly maybe, insidiously, covertly. That very slow drip, drip, drip that will plant a seed in your mind that grows over time & affects you deeply & how you feel about yourself.
He is definitely controlling how you spend your time- if he was happy he’d for you go go without him due to real issues he has, he would say so in a way that settled your mind. But you’re worrying about it. So without having to say anything, his work is underway.
He does humiliate you in my opinion by cutting you off, making you feel you’re talking too much, negging your humour. My ex used to do this & I always felt so humiliated even if we were alone. He made me cry with those comments. Blaming you for his problems major warning sign.
I recall that feeling of jumping out of my skin when he entered a room as if I was doing something I shouldn’t, that’s trauma. Appalling state to get someone into.
And shrinking yourself by the day, wondering where your mind has gone (you’re still in there) as you’re questioning everything, cling onto yourself & try to find your way back to you.
Mine was so lovely at times top, I still miss that after being away from him for a very long time. But I couldn’t breathe inside that relationship any longer, my world was vanishing, me with it
I wasn’t even allowed to pop out for 5 mins without a discussion or him to come with me. And the droning on about himself & his achievements, fine I can be happy & attentive for him but after years of it then realising he had no patience for my stories, or knowledge unless the benefitted him in some way in that moment, was enough for me to realise this man can’t have loved me. Certainly not in the way I needed anyway.
I think the double standards & hypocrisy were the worst, most confusing, enraging feeling, particularly whilst being accused of the same. A proper mind f**k that one. And yes, missing the great sex & having a lot done for me, but trying to remember how so much was withheld from me too. So the good bits were a smokescreen & let’s face it, benefitted him too. They need to make sure you’ve got SOMETHING good to tell your friends & family about him, haven’t they? Mine used to insist I put photos on Instagram if he’d bought be a birthday cake. But he never posted things I’d done for him on his.
It doesn’t matter that he’s not jealous or violent, he doesn’t need to be to make you feel how you do.
And don’t worry that you’re doing him an injustice by talking about the bad things, you need to process it & get some frame of reference from others. If he punched you would it be okay to say, but he does lovely things too.
Sorry this was a bit rushed I hope it’s helpful though.
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Sorry! I edited and completed my reply, but the post was long and so timed out for posting/editing, so here’s the actual final (I should draft these things before posting them, especially this length of missive!):
Hello SurprisinglySwanky
Your post is a very good description of why these relationships can be so hard to break away from, and the confusions they bring.
Essentially, he has his life as he wants it, his way is the main theme that I can see running through your descriptions. He is not prepared to alter his position, and because you put so much effort in to make life smooth around him, he has no reason to, it’s all working perfectly for him.
Have you considered that there could actually be a lot he could do to accommodate your wishes, something as simple as making himself otherwise occupied when you want to have your friends and family over? He could be out, or involving himself in something upstairs out of the way, where he can be avoding challenges of social anxiety. I wonder at his ‘social anxiety’ though, and whether this is another stick to beat you with, where he simply doesn’t have to make any effort at all, but again you have to make all the effort and fit in around that for his benefit.
I guess you have to imagine what your response would be if things were the other way around, what you would be doing in order to fit in for his benefit as well? What lengths you would go to, would you try to seek help for your issues? Would you try to take some small steps to meet some people in a small way to start the ball rolling, or would you completely shut it down and expect that to be ok? He does see others, just not your others. Lots of people are anxious socially, and it comes easier to some than others meeting friends and family of their partner, but we make the effort to benefit the partnership overall.
He seems generally to be getting his life exactly the way he wants, but you are not, and the fact that he is not prepared to make any shift in his position says everything.
I also cannot not mention his emotional bullying when he’s in a bad mood, and his day hasn’t gone brilliantly, binning the food you prepared for him. No, that might not in itself feel threatening or intimidating, but it speaks to a greater depth of punishment and resentment towards you, which is clearly the reason you are feeling as you are.
On the positive notes that you speak of, I think we can all say that if there weren’t any positives at the outset why would we have ever been attracted to them?! There have to be some positives, and the incessant cycles of pick you up and drop you are highly damaging to your emotional and psychological stability, and will be bound to make you feel naturally wary and untrusting of him, unsure who is going to come through the door at night, and that sets up fear.
Again, writing as you have, does show how complex these situations are to unravel, AND, the further you move along in the relationship the further downhill it will go, as he becomes more contemptuous of you, and less tolerant of your wishes, less drive to pick you up again, less effort to keep you buying into the relationship.
I have sadly heard many women say, ‘he would never hit me or be physcial’, and be shocked to then find themselves in the midst of an escalation that results in physical threat and violence. It’s also possible to be discounting anything other than a literal punch to the face, there’s lot of physical threat and violence that doesn’t register as ‘violence’ necessarily. Pushing, following, pursuing, shoving, grabbing, getting in your face, would be just some examples.
when you spoke of his treatment of you around your dog, I was prepared to accept that if he doesn’t like dogs you can’t assume that he would take part in the care of your dog in any way, i.e. not expecting him to dogsit an animal he never wanted, and doesn’t like. Then you relayed his absolute love of a dog and how he has literally no boundaries around this other dog. His treatment of you is very deliberate and awful. I wouldn’t expect him to take responsibility for a dog he didn’t want, but, that’s a very different matter to being actually cruel in insisting the dog be shut in a room! That’s not ok and will likely distress the dog as well as you, but he has no concerns about that. That speaks volumes of his attitudes towards you.
There are many ways of controlling someone and keeping them ‘inline’, and he’s managing this very well, to maintain his own lifestyle without consideration for yours. He’s not a ‘partner’ in any sense of the word, and you are, more than leading separate lives, being actively managed by him for fear of upsetting him.
The only time he notices anything is when you mention ‘leaving’, even in terms of the potential end result of thinking things through to a conclusion, not actually even saying you are considering leaving, then that to him is, again, all about him, and how you hurt him, despite the convo being you expressing his effect on you.
You have written plenty of food for thought, and I wonder what your reflections would be now?
I am sorry that you find yourself in this position and hope you can find positives in what you are doing to now take back some control of your own life by examining the issues going on now.
warmest wishes
ts
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There was a lot more in your post that could be addressed, but as you see my reply was already perhaps overlong!
He doesn’t place any value on your contribution (to the living space, financially, or effort involved in your work transfer/learning to try to be ‘better’ for him), in fact he does ridicule and laugh at you and it’s concerning that he bought the house for you both?? or maybe for him actually? Double up on pregnancy protection!
warmest wishes
ts
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I can completely see how confusing this must feel for you. It’s like, you know something feels wrong but you just can’t put your finger on it!
whether your partner is abusive or not I just can’t really know. I’m no expert just another person who’s been through it, so I’m not really able to judge.
But what strikes me emotionally when I read your post is a strange sense of emptiness. The question comes to me, he’s working so very hard, for what? There doesn’t seem much fun in his life ( unless it just hasn’t come across in the post) not many parties, time off to see family/friends, days just spent relaxing and playing with the dog in the garden, going to the beach. Maybe I’m wrong, I just got an impression of a pointless control. A feeling almost of a gilded cage.
I’m assuming here that the house he bought is in both your names? If not, well, the whole thing becomes something completely different! If that’s the case, run away!The joking about your work. I noticed with my abuser that the jokes only went one way. He could joke about me, but if I did it to him I was humiliating him etc etc.
Can you make an equal joke with him? (removed by Moderator)Good luck with this, definitely back up one of the other ladies who said keep the birth control strict until you have a better idea about this, it does sound worrying. Xx
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Thank you all so much for your responses. I tried to reply but my whole post disappeared. I have no clue what I did wrong. I find it so exhausting talking about this but I also so desperately need to vent and to feel understood.
@indepindance you mentioned the paralysed feeling. I am paralysed. I don’t have anywhere to go. I don’t have any savings. I don’t have any rights to anything. If I’m not here I don’t know where I’ll end up and also I’m just not fully there yet in my head tbh. I should be but I’m not. I’m getting there I think.
The shrinking is terrifying. I am shrinking so much. I used to have such a strong sense of myself and now I don’t recognize the person Ive become. I used to stand up for myself and now I second guess every sentence before it makes it out of my mouth.
Who the hell am I? Why am I letting this happen? Why can’t I stop it? Why can’t I even understand it??
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You need to let go of thinking you have any control in this situation, your use of words such as ‘letting’ [it happen], ‘why can’t I stop it’…’understand it’.
This literally is all about him. You don’t ‘let’ him do these things, because you are not in control of him, he is in control of you, therefore you cannot ‘stop’ him or control him in any way, and understanding the complexities of abuse is a long journey, and not always one we need or should travel on, just knowing that it’s making you unhappy, empty, frozen, etc., is all you need to know, for you to make your own decisions, when you make your own decisions, it will stop, by you taking control. As you can’t have one side of him without the other (jekyll/hyde), it means removing yourself from the situation that he brings to you, or getting him removed.
You need to think things through and decide what works best for you, and consider when he behaves a certain way whether you would do that to him, or anyone! We’d all like for it just to stop, but it’s complex and it doesn’t.
If someone cooked me a dinner that I didn’t want, I would never throw it away! Would you? Would you and I not be concerned about offending the person that made it for us? There’s no point in looking for answers from him, you are not talking to someone like you or I, and he will side-step anything that challenges him in any way, or be angry etc. I would keep food for another meal, or later when I was hungry. Presumably the food you offer is food you know he has previously eaten and liked, of course.
If it was easy coming to these decisions, women would never stay one minute beyond the first instance of anything toxic, but it’s complex, and can take time to work through, and these are big decisions.
I wish you the best with working it through
warmest wishes
ts
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@twistedsister There are definitely things he could do to accommodate my needs. Simple things but he just doesn’t. I know full well if the roles were reversed I’d do everything in my power to get a handle on my issues for the sake of the relationship. I want us to be a team and I often try to think about what’s best for US instead of ME. Maybe I need to rethink that now I dunno.
I certainly feel his resentment towards me and definitely think he ‘punishes’ me. But it’s so hard to stand up for myself. I know his response before I ever utter a single word. Like I know he threw his dinner in the bin to hurt me but if I call him on it, he will say he just wasn’t hungry, in a tone that suggests I’m a crazy person. I feel he’ll always have an alternative reality for any complaint I might have.
The relationship is going further downhill, you’re right there. Id like to talk about that in another post. Also the word ‘contemptuous’ is so accurate it hurts.
In a very twisted way physical abuse is almost easier, just in the sense that it’s cut and dry and plain to see why you’re standing up for yourself. Even as a child I had confidence I was right when I said “this is wrong”. But this situation is so underhand, so confusing, so insidious, it’s difficult at times to even express to myself why somethings he’s done has upset me so much.
Oh and he’s terrified of pregnancy. Loves his kids but openly admits it was a mistake.
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@evenserpentsshine You have described the emptiness so well. He works so hard and we never have fun. Well except when his children visit tbf. Then we play happy families – his kids are absolute gems – and everything is magic. Or at least usually. I’ll come back to this.
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Just to let you know that when you’re typing a reply to any post here, you have about 15 mins before this site times you out and your post is lost. Some people manage to write their post somewhere else and then copy and paste, I just try and hurry and post in several small chunks, most people just get fed up with it and leave the site I would imagine, a point I’m getting too also!
just to let you know to save you the frustration of it happening to you again. -
Oh wow thanks for letting me know. That’s mad. I wonder why it’s set that way? It’s emotionally exhausting to write about this stuff once. Nevermind twice.
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Hi and wanted to agree in support of how incredibly hard it can be to post about complex and difficult to express emotions and situations, and does often take a lot of time to get down. I know there’s many a time I have written, not even necessarily overly long replies, but it has taken time, which has then lost the reply, which I know I have not then redone, which is a shame, given the value of responses, and posts to those making and receiving them.
Also, to raise the issue of regardless of type of abuse, that it’s not simple. Physical abuse is not cut and dried or easy to call out either. I am very glad that you have found that to be so, but it certainly isn’t the case for so many women and children who cannot understand why it’s happening, and have no voice or agency to stand up and make it stop, that live in shock from it. Generally, it’s not possible to make someone stop, whether thats physical abuse or emotional.
Keep posting your thoughts and look after yourself
warmest wishes
ts
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@twisted sister
You are absolutely right. I worded that very badly. I think I more meant like hitting is obviously never a good thing but what’s going on in my relationship is very hard to pinpoint and then very hard to know if I’m nitpicking or thinking the worst of him or imagining things or misunderstanding things or if I’m outright crazy. I actually didn’t stand up for myself very well in PA situations externally. I more meant internally I knew it was wrong. But internally now I don’t always, or Ive only recently started to fully recognize the emotional stuff as abuse. Also I think unfortunately if I said to a friend my partner hit me they’d be appalled but if I said my partner didn’t eat all his dinner they’d think I was being a bit sensitive without an exhausting wider context. I don’t know if I’m explaining myself any better now tbf. :\
But you are entirely correct that PA is not easy to call out or understand and yes as was the case with myself, you often don’t have the agency to stop it or leave. And I’m sure many are manipulated into believing it’s normal or warranted etc. and may not immediately recognize it as being wrong so all in all I really did (and continue to) word myself very badly.
Apologies all.
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I do understand what you mean about the ‘ subtlety’ ( if that’s the right word!) of the mental abuse. It makes it incredibly long winded and complex to try and explain to anyone dosen’t it, not to mention trying to unravel it ourselves which is just mind boggling.
It took me decades and I’m not very proud of that. I wish I’d discovered some of the online stuff ( including this forum) years ago, although maybe they’re all quite new. -
Yeah I wish I’d known more about this too. I knew about emotional abuse but I think i thought it was mainly stuff like name calling or shaming or I don’t know really. I didn’t know about things like love bombing and breadcrumbing and just how yeah incredibly subtle it can be. I wish I’d known.
I’m having a really hard time lately. A situation has arisen for him that has just escalated everything. I told him I won’t be here when he gets home this evening. That I need to be away from him. But I have nowhere to go! I’m determined to have a night away from this house though even if I have to sleep in my car. I can’t look at him right now. I’m so tired of this. I’m just so exhausted from it. I feel like I could sleep for a week.
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