Lessons I’ve learned from co-parenting with abuser

[SingleMomSurvivor]

1) There’s no such thing as coparenting with an abuser. I’ve learned this the hard way. My ex finds ways to be purposely disagreeable & stirs up conflict about the smallest most insignificant things…and then of course he accuses ME of being the one causing conflict. If you have kids with your abuser erase the idea of coparenting from you mind and instead look up the concept of parallel parenting. You’ll save yourself a ton of frustration.

2) If you have a court order an abuser will eventually find ways to work around it, so you’ll want to A) Pick your battles and B) Have a good attorney that can give you sound advice & advocate on your behalf when needed. I’m amazed at how creative my ex has gotten with rationalizing why he doesn’t abide by certain aspects (detail removed by Moderator).

3)They’ll continue to be abusive even after you’ve left so you’ll want to get some solid boundaries in place asap. Sure they might be friendly & agreeable at times but do not be fooled & do not let your guard down. They have not changed! I’ve repeatedly made the mistake of thinking that because my ex was being pleasant it meant that perhaps he was ready to be a kind & reasonable coparent. However without fail he ALWAYS eventually cycles back to being cruel & emotionally abusive towards me. I’ve had to get some rock solid boundaries in place, use 3rd parties for communication etc. etc. Now I know that no matter how “nice” he seems at the moment, he’s still the same evil soul.

4) They will probably threaten to take the kids from you at some point. I hope you can feel my eyes rolling ladies ! My ex does this whenever he’s displeased with me, which is basically whenever I stand up for myself & call him out on his b.s. I know he doesn’t actually want our kids, he just wants to hurt me & knows that in the past threatening to take them would get me really worked up. What helps me not worry so much when he makes these threats is A) Having a good attorney B) Having an awesome pediatrician who knows me & my kids & can vouch that they are healthy & doing great and C) knowing that I’m a wonderful mum, despite what he says about me.

If I think of anything else I’ll be sure to include it. Hope this helps! Despite all of these challenges I’m A THOUSAND TIMES HAPPIER after having left my abusive ex. My only regret is not having left sooner. You can do it ladies! If I can do it anybody can ❤️

[Wants To Help]

Hi SingleMomSurvivor,

I fully agree with this and can add another one.

They will often turn up to pick up/drop off the kids with another woman in the car which is designed to try and cause us some concern who they are bringing in to our children’s lives, then refuse to tell us who this woman is if we ask. However, as soon as they hear from our kids there is a new man in our life then they contact us demanding to know who this man is and then try and threaten to take the kids from us unless they get the full run down on him and they question our suitability on whether the kids are safe with this man around because they don’t trust our judgement to safeguard the kids!

[SingleMomSurvivor]

That’s definitely a good one to add! My ex hasn’t started doing this yet, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time! Thanks for mentioning this because it helps me to start mentally preparing.

[Bananaboat]

Assume they’ll let you down with pick up/drop offs and maintenance, it reduces the anger you feel when it happens – links to not expecting them to coparent! Also, don’t tell the kids what day/time or event they are supposedly doing, keep it vague so it’s not a total surprise but obviously the ex’s needs come before the kids’ so learnt through experience not to get the kids’ hopes up. Same for yourself, don’t make firm plans for when the kids are away he’ll just let you down – rely on others instead or as back up.

[Hereforhelp]

I totally agree with this post .. you really cannot co parent with an abusive partner as they are what they are .. Abusive which doesn’t stop when you separate. I read a lot of posts from women who are with violent, moody, unpredictable men, who then separate and then try to work with their ex to take turns having their kids… why would it work, these men do not suddenly become good role models and they do not develop new rational ways to communicate… they just see the kids and still make life as hard as possible with their BS demands which does impact the children… that’s why I do not want mine near my children.
Apologies for going on… I am annoyed with my ex today as it would be great to co parent for all the right reasons, he wants to co parent for all the wrong reasons.. to get to me.

❤

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