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Dear Victim,
I have lied to you about nearly everything. I am not sorry for this behavior because I cannot empathize with you. I chose n********m so early in my life that I never had the chance to develop a conscience or the capacity to feel remorse or empathy for the way I hurt you. Still, I know it’s wrong on an intellectual level. I just cannot feel your pain. Sometimes I wish I could, but I can’t.
I became a n********t because as a child I felt too vulnerable. I was sensitive. I felt too much and most of it was painful. I was made to feel like I was nothing, a nobody. I was hurt, betrayed, abused, just like you. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t loved, or why I was treated with contempt and like I didn’t matter. I was also never given a good example of how to become a good person. I never had anyone to model in a positive way.
Life was so painful for me I had to do something about it. Something drastic. I had to become strong and never show weakness again, because my weakness was killing me. I was trained that being a sensitive person who feels compassion and remorse, a person who can love others, is a weak person. I know that isn’t really the case, but it was how I was trained. I was so young that I couldn’t see how wrong that might have been.
I reached a point where I had to make a choice. In order to survive, I had to sacrifice my humanity. I didn’t want to do it, but I felt like I had to. I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. I had to sell my soul.
In order to sell my soul, I had to shut you and everyone else out. I couldn’t allow myself to feel too much. I couldn’t allow myself to be sensitive anymore, and that meant I could no longer allow myself to love anyone, feel anyone else’s pain or joy, or feel sorry if I did something wrong.
I had to don this mask that I wear, which is a lie. In order to keep that lie intact, I had to treat others badly. I had to diminish you to prop my false self up. I had to hate you in order to “love” the mask that I show the world, because if I didn’t continually prop myself up by making you feel bad, my mask of lies might fall off and expose the real me, a powerless and vulnerable child which I had to protect at all costs, even if it meant destroying everyone else around me. I am a bully but inside I know I am nothing. I act like I love myself but I really hate myself. I only love the mask I wear. I abuse you to protect that mask.
You can never get through to my true self because the lies I tell are nearly impenetrable. I have lied so often and for so long that I myself have come to believe my own lies. I am a walking lie. That is the truth.
I will never let you get close to what I really feel. I don’t even know what I feel anymore. Most of the time I feel nothing, because a lie has no feelings. But try to destroy my protective armor, and I will try to destroy you. If I must go down in flames, I am going to take you with me. I will rage and abuse you. I will gaslight you and tell you the most horrific lies about yourself.
I may seem nice at first or when I feel like the supply you give me is threatened or you may leave. I know how to get others to trust me–by acting like a nice person. I am good at acting like a nice person but I can’t feel a nice person’s emotions. It’s hard work to act nice, because that’s a lie too.
When you begin to trust me, I will start abusing you, because I must keep you at arm’s length and keep my mask of lies intact at all costs. Both the niceness I show you and the a*****e I become are both lies. I cannot even access who I really am. I have forgotten. I just know that my true self is there, somewhere, and I can never, ever, let you meet them.
If you mirror back to me too much of the truth about me–if I become aware that you KNOW this mask I always wear is a fake–I will attempt to destroy you or cut you out of my life. I cannot afford to have the truth about myself revealed to me.
Nothing terrifies me more than facing the truth about myself so I have dissociated myself from it. It scares me so much to realize how evil I have become. It hurts me so much that I had to choose this fake self because of what was done to me. I hate being evil. I really don’t want to be this way but I will never, ever admit that. I cannot ever show you or anyone in the world how weak and vulnerable I really am. But deep inside, I know I am.
I am still an infant. I never grew up. My emotional and moral development was arrested when I was just a very young child, so I only have the emotional maturity of a child that age. That’s why I can’t care about you. It’s why I must always have my way. Can a two or three year old care about YOUR feelings? Of course they can’t, and like a toddler, I can’t either. I am like a mentally challenged person, only my disability isn’t mental, it’s emotional and moral. I’m emotionally r******d.
It’s hard work keeping up my false self. I am paranoid and defensive all the time that I will be discovered and exposed. It’s enormously stressful to be a n********t. It’s stressful and often painful, and I know I have sacrificed the ability to ever feel real happiness in order to never be hurt again.
But still, I hurt all the time. You can hurt me very easily. The only way I dare show my hurt is by projecting it back onto you through my abuse and through my rages. I’m a bully because I always hurt so much. But I can’t hurt FOR you, only for myself. I cannot afford to hurt for you. I’m too busy always licking my own wounds and trying to keep the lie going. I will hurt YOU if I must to keep the lie intact.
As I age, I may soften a little but most likely I won’t. I could even become worse. Don’t wait for me to change because I most likely never will. Once I chose this life, there was no going back. I chose darkness and once that’s done, there is no going back to the light. I sold my soul and there’s no way to buy it back, but through the grace of God himself.
If you care about yourself (because I can never care about you), you must leave now. Don’t play my games. Ignore me and act like I don’t exist. Being treated like I don’t exist is the worst thing I can imagine, but if you care about your own survival it’s what you must do. I will destroy you if you don’t. Heed my warning.
There’s even a small–a very small–chance that your abandoning me and taking away the supply I get from you could make me take a look in the mirror for the first time at the lost child I left behind so long ago. If that happens, I will be in so much pain I may seek the help I need. Don’t count on it though. Even if I ever seek help, once I start feeling too much pain I will probably leave counseling. Feeling that pain is too terrifying. It’s easier to abuse my own mind (and yours) by keeping up the masks and lies…
Don’t wait for me to change. I won’t. Don’t play my games. Even if I rage, hold your ground. You’re stronger than I am. I will never let you know I know this. Don’t fall for my lies.
Better yet, leave now. Keep your soul intact. Don’t allow me to turn you into a shell of what you used to be or worse, a person like me, even though it’s what I want.
Sincerely,
Your N*********t
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Wow! That is incredible. So well written. Everyone should read this. I needed to read this today. Thank you. x
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Youve really understood them! I do have a question though, I don’t know if you can answer it.
“I abuse you to protect that mask.” What happens when you walk away and they can’t abuse you anymore?
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They try to find the next victim. As they can’t manipulate someone anymore. Just like in the olden days where people would go to the circus or a play. And they would have string puppets which was controlled by some random dude on the other side of the box.
And that’s what a person with NPD wants. All the control they can get they will get it.Or they find ways to get to you. Because how dare you move on when they are still stuck in the same old wounds. Which in fact is your fault because everything that happened to them is your fault. (In their mind) – jealousy plays a big part. And he will try and find ways to bring you back. So in the end he can say I TRIED EVERYTHING and she didn’t come back. Which means ITS HER FAULT. not mine. And sweetheart it’s never ever your fault. A n********t most likely to be an adult must be held accountable unless someone had told them to do something at a gun point. Then that’s another story.
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Superb!!! Ah yes, and there you have it! That felt good writing that didn’t it? I like it! The only thing I would add is these people, if they are born this way, their brains are actually different. They can be hooked up to brain scans and it’s all there or “isn’t there”. They are truly wired to be – true predators. Their brain doesn’t light up regarding empathy at all. Their brain does light up when they get what they want and when they hurt other people. Their pleasure centers do light up then.
There is something called a warrior gene and that can be present also. Abuse or neglect doesn’t help. Some of these people raised in loving homes with good boundaries can actually lead a fairly normal life sometimes. Although after reading up on one the other day, when he was tested and found out he was one and talked to all his friends about it, they all laughed and said – of course we know! LOL! You are always all about you, no big reveal here. Surprised you didn’t know.
I saw this in a baby, right after she was born. Didn’t want to be held. Gave you dirty looks even as a baby and a child. Not loving at all. Very bright little thing but extremely manipulative. She ran the household. She didn’t like me much because I didn’t play her game so she got away with zip when I was around. She was also quite mean to her cats.
But she learned to use her charm, to be acceptable, make her parents proud and all that but deep down, she was what she was. I do know and agree they make choices. They do know what they are doing. They just don’t care. Sometimes people become this way from an accident like one that hits the frontal lobe area, others because of drug abuse. Sometimes even one time can rewire someone’s brain so it’s never the same again. Had a friend like that. Her empathetic lovely self – gone forever.
Abuse can make it worse but I have never seen abuse be the reason why someone becomes this way all in and of itself. If there was trauma to the head, which happens alot, then I could see that. I hear alot of killers and criminals use the excuse of – I had it so bad growing up, was abused and all that but all of the abuse victims I have known and I’ve known alot – still have empathy, even after all the total horror they went through. They might be a little tilted in some respects but it’s still there. They might not trust well, they may have anger issues and all that but bottomline is they still have a heart. I marvel at that one actually.
They aren’t brain dead. They do know exactly what they are doing but it doesn’t matter to them. They can hurt someone really really bad and then go have a sandwich as if nothing happened. That switch doesn’t turn on in their brain. That’s why – when you see this happening and especially if it’s ongoing – RUN! It’s not because of you, it’s not about you, it is absolutely who they are and how their brain is wired and the choices they make and I can promise you, you will not be the reason they change. It won’t happen. The alligator will not turn into the bunny rabbit no matter how hard we squint.
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I wish I could say I wrote it but I’d be lying. I have been trying to find the original writer but can’t seem to find them.
And you’re right it can’t just be trauma or abuse someone suffered as a child. As some people can rise above it and realise it’s a wrong way to behave and one should be loving and caring. And they grow up to be amazing and empathetic. Where as a n********t feed off anything which is about them and they love being centre of attention.
When I started reading this letter I was beginning to feel some sort of sadness for the n********t but I like how the writer in the end sums it up and say leave and go. As no matter what you do they won’t change. That part brought me back to my senses and I realised when you become an adult you must try and resolve some of the issues. Whether that is through therapy. I’m not sure if someone can completely change but one can try.
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People who are empathetic can absolutely change. And you know, thing is, I feel bad for people who don’t have a conscience. I really do. And I think we should be able to heal their brains. Some are working towards that end actually. I do my research in that dept., have for a long long time now. But these people are very useful to many……because they are ruthless. The (detail removed by moderator) , however, they aren’t team players, better in a role of I am king of the castle. Dr. Robert Hare wrote an excellent book called – Snakes in Suits. Also – Without Conscience. Very enlightening.
I would love to see them healed. I hope we can some day. In the meantime you just can’t allow them to do what they want to do in your own life. I know and you know prison won’t help alot of them but it keeps them from doing harm to those on the outside. And alot of these people need to be there. Trouble is, they keep letting them out with light sentences for horrendous crimes. And once again I go back to what the judge said to Ted Bundy when he sentenced him and then I get it. Oh wow, these people are judges, solicitors, jury members, law makers, etc. They admire each other. Look that one up regarding what the judge said.
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Woah I read what the judge said. And that’s so strange. Like it seemed like through out the trail the judge became fond of him and how he manipulated everyone. Also he made people laugh with his jokes. Like c’mon are you for real?! Just because someone is making a fool of themselves it does not mean it deserves the judges respect. I’m glad the judge still ended up giving him death penalty. I believe in life after death and I’m sure he’s going through a lot worse than what he put his victims through. May their souls rest in peace xx
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