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Hey, I just need to talk to let things out and i dont know anywhere else apart from here.
I am weeks into a calm spell but its still hard still filled with moments of nastiness times where I am on tenderhooks trying to calm him down but he doesnt blow anymore he seems to stop himself. He has told friends and our cgildren that we have had problems he is now “better” and everyone seems to think I should just forgive forget. He has planned an amazing suprise for me a holiday which those who know tells me its amazing how fab he is etc. Im certain its all for show all to prove to everyone how he is now “better”. Im now the bad guy. I feel so full of guilt of sadness of hate for him and myself. I fear this is a tactic as i was so close to leaving and he found out now he is pulling me in. I wish he was back to being horrible as at least I had a choice a chance but now im stuck here again. Im lonley im sad im so fed up of this life. It dkesnt matter how hard I try how much I want another life I wont get one this is it this is me.
I need to move my head on stop thinking about “abuse” stop being so selfish and self centered I need to start living this life but I dont know how? Im just so sad all the time all the time and I cant shift it no matter how hard I try or how hard he tries. How lucky I tell myself I am I have everything but yet I am still sad. -
So sorry you’re feeling this way. I totally get the feeling of having everything yet being sad and feeling like you’re trapped.
It’s horrible how this has been twisted round to make you feel like you were in the wrong about everything. You were leaving for a reason and that reason is still valid. You can forgive all you want but you don’t forget, and eventually those memories will build up and up and create a barrier to being able to move forwards with this person, even if you wanted to.
He obviously isn’t “better”. You say it’s calm but it’s still got times of nastiness and feeling on edge. You shouldn’t have to feel that way and it’ll only build back up to him blowing up again. He’ll try and contain it for so long but he won’t be able to keep a lid on it. This is why it’s a cycle. I’ve had periods of calm before, really tried to brush off the little side comments and think to myself I’m just being over sensitive and to get on with life but inevitably it cycles back round to a big blowout and it’s back to square one.
I hope you feel better tomorrow. It’s so hard thinking about leaving your life as you know it behind, but just as hard imagining your life continuing as it is. It’s true limbo. You’re not alone here. Keep posting xx -
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Hi nbumblebee
You are so right in all that you have said about how this is all ‘designed’ to play out for him, with you looking the bad guy.
If you are not happy, you truly don’t have everything. Maybe to the outside world who know nothing of your world, your life, you may think this is how it seems, or that you should somehow be grateful for what you have, but yet, you are unhappy deep down. Alright, he might have suspended war, agreed himself a cease-fire, for now, but you know this life, how will you ever know when the cease-fire is over? So, how can you be happy, or have any security, despite having a ‘home’?
Take care of yourself.
warmest wishes
ts
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@Twisted Sister Thank you.
Since writing this he has been nasty words only but Ive seen the snear again the talking through gritted teeth that hate in his eyes. He may be trying but I fear hes trying to fool me and everyone else that he “fixed” as he calls it but sadly I can see the hate is still there and its heart breaking. Xxxxxx -
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Yeah its pants I think whats worse is us knowing what they are doing noe. You can see it and feel it. I try and talk to him ask him why but he denies it he just makes it all into another argument. Yet still I doubt even now writing this I think should I be a better wife. Does it ever stop? The doubt tge self blame will it ever just stop? Im not sure it ever will thats sad eh so very sad that this is our life. Xx
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You would get more satisfaction plaiting sand than seeking your understanding from him. He’s not going to engage with you to validate you in any way about how he’s making you feel, about what he’s doing. He’s only going to validate his own position, he’s not in this for you, but for himself. It’s cruel isn’t it.
Draw on your supports always, keep using them to gain some traction with your doubts, to work them through. It’s good that you can see the way you can easily flip between belief and doubt in yourself, which is based on what he says. If you centre yourself in this, and stick with how this, his behaviour, affects you and stick with that. You know how he makes you feel, that’s your truth, stand by yourself in your truth, believe in you.
xx
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My problem is i dont trust myself i still partly believe this is all me that im making it all up.
I know i know im not but theres this n****e this doubt in my head telling me im an attention seeker its all me all in my head and i cant seem to get rid of that voice. My counsellor says its his voice and all those who have hurt me in the past the gaslighting the confusion but still I listen to that voice more than my own.
I know hes not a “normal” husband I know what he does is cruel but i wonder still if its just what I deserve. Thats the tough bit.-
I know, I hear you, yep, and I think so many of us go through the same and it’s rubbish, it really is.
It takes time, and if you hear it as his voice in your head, and he’s saying these things, you can internally tell that voice to shut up, get out of your head, not allow it there, and get more and more insistent with it. If it’s your own internal thoughts telling you this, then maybe consider if someone else were saying these things to you? With compassion and understanding gently remind yourself that you do know the truth of these events throughout your life and now, and perhaps adding that you know it will take time but you’ll help yourself to get there in the end? Well, whatever works for you, whatever makes sense for you. Your therapist can work on this with you.
The thing is, just because you might not think much of yourself right now, it doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated this way. This isn’t just you, noone deserves this. It’s cruelty, and noone deserves it, even if you feel you are doing things wrong, if it makes him unhappy then he can walk away, it gives him no rights to abuse you. There just isn’t an excuse for it is there?
take care lovely
warmest wishes
ts
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