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Hi Starmoon,
Huggggggggssssssss
From what I have seen from your posts, you’re a wonderful person, we are all allowed our down days.
I have missed my Ex far too many times but trying to focus on what he did to me. He’s got everything and I am left with barely anything but we are no longer living in fear, that is liberating but I know also scary.Hold that beautiful head up high and take care xx
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You only miss the fake him. Book something nice to do tomorrow when he has the kids. Manicure, lunch, massage. Anything. Do it for yourself. I promise you his life is not full and perfect. I know because I had exactly the same thoughts. In reality he was the same selfish drunk pathetic abuser he was when with me. Nothing changes for them. They are still losers. Cowardly men who abuse women. What is there in that to admire? It the abuse messing with your head. No contact to build your self esteem and the rose tinted glasses will fall right off x
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I think there is a very painful period after we separate from an abuser where we feel empty, lost, anchorless.
This is because we were controlled for so long by the abuser, we began to lose our sense of separate identity. They tried to coerce us into their skewed way of seeing things, they ridiculed us for showing any independence and made us question everything that represented us as independent individuals.
Add to this, after they or we leave they seem to only up the abuse. They are furious that we left, or that we stood up to them. They want to punish us by trying to affect us and making out they are the winners and we the losers.
There’s no way of escaping this difficult period. It’s a dreadful time, but there’s only one way, and that’s through it.
It’s like you need to feel completely stripped bare and defenceless in order for a new identity to be borne. Like a clay pot that goes through the kiln and comes out beautifully coloured and glazed, I do impress upon you to hold tight, as you will come out the other side, stronger and more beautiful than ever.
Don’t get taken in by his winner antics. It’s all fake bravado, or else serious delusion on his part. Play the long game. Focus on your own healing and continue to give your kids as much as possible. Get loads of support. These perpetrators might put on a good act, but it won’t last.
You’ve been through so much, you deserve some peace. If I could give other women any advice, it would be to formalise contact, to minimise the need for discussions with him. Xx
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Thank you for your replies. I have no contact with him at all. Him seeing the children is arranged threw my parents and his (my parents refuse to have contact with him). I feel like I’m the bitter and twisted one because I can’t simply switch off my feelings, because I hate that he has to be part of my children’s lives… it’s something I knew I’d always struggle with. Knowing they love the man that’s destroyed me. I can’t force my feelings on to them but because I’m the one finding this hard- i look the bad guy. He has no difficulty in telling the children that ‘mummy and daddy just didn’t work out and he still loves them’… yet I find it so hard to say that. I have told them that their daddy loves them and they can still see him. But I hate it. It makes me feel I’m so terrible. When my youngest was first born, he left weeks after… then the very day after he’d gone, he sent photos of bouncy chairs and cots and a pushchair that he’d bought for the baby. It was apparently to reassure me that the baby would be looked after, but it tore me apart… that he so easily went and did all that so soon after we’d split up… it was so easy to move on
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