Life with the kids isn't easy

[Lyng]

She lived in a complex, emotionally abusive relationship for nearly (detail removed by Moderator). She got married and had children. She loves those children with all her heart. But life with them hasn’t been easy since he left.

The last (detail removed by Moderator) were the worst. An ill- advised in home separation. She lived in her bedroom. He and the kids had the rest of the house. She took her meals there. She slept, ate, went to work. She often showered in the upstairs apartment.

Tonight her youngest daughter screamed at her for no reason. She thought someone had taken something of hers, although it was actually in her room. She still managed to blame her mother. Her mother tried to reason with her. Her daughter came at her physically. When she tried to calmly hold her, her daughter was hostile, and fought her. She told her daughter she does not want to put up with the abuse. Her daughter became enraged, and nothing could change her mind. She interpreted simple attempts to calm her as physical restraint. According to both her children, a mother should just put up with this treatment and say nothing, because she’s the adult. “You are acting like a child,” her (detail removed by Moderator) year old told her. The other daughter added to the pile by telling her she’s disgusting. Just another day in post-abuse utopia.

[Serenity]

Hi Lyng,

Your ex is trying to get your kids to abuse you and disrespect you, plus of course it’s learned behaviour.

I know it’s like a sword to the heart. At one point, my ex was trying his best to brainwash my kids and they said some pretty hurtful things.

What my ex would have loved would have been me getting visibly upset and becoming a victim. He would have jumped at the chance of seeing me vulnerable to try to get the kids to increase their bad treatment of me.

My lovely DV worker at the time gave me some advice. She said that however hard, I must think that in that situation, emotions are my enemy, because they will be used against me. She told me to act like a graceful swan : even if I was paddling like mad underneath, I needed to try my best to appear unaffected and composed ( hard, I know). I used to chant ‘graceful swan, graceful swan’ in my head when my kids were behaving a bit like him. I know my ex was waiting for me to fall apart, but I refused to allow him to do it to me.

I know it seems a bit fake, putting on an act to your kids, but I think it’s the only way. Your ex has taught your kids to disrespect you and it sounds like the kids have forgotten that you are the adult and the parent- he’s taught them to put you down. You need to grab that power back any way you can. That means not letting them see that you’re affected, laying down firm boundaries and repeating those rules like a scratched record and never giving in. Your ex might think he’s got lots of stamina and will succeed in grinding you down, but you have the strength and stamina too to assert your rules as a mum and to never, ever give in. If he won’t teach them the right way to behave, their only chance is for you to hold firm and teach them what the universal rules of good behaviour your are. And teach them that your self esteem isn’t affected by their behaviour, that you’re too strong. Even fake it until you make it.

Keep on posting here for support and teach out for as much help as you can. I’ve been through it and can totally sympathise. xx

[Lyng]

I try. I really do. But I am unable to not let this affect me. I feel nearly as bad as when he was here. I am Waking up with eyes puffy from crying again. If he were a competent parent I would let them go live with him. They are killing me one outburst at a time. I can’t move forward completely because these behaviours are holding us all back. I have a very kind and understanding boyfriend who I do not live with. He has met the kids, but we don’t interact as a group. I won’t have them treating me like that in front of him. It would be too painful for both of us.

[Author]

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