Limbo

[hunnybun]

I’ve recently left an emotionally abusive relationship and I’ve been struggling to get my ex partner to stop contacting me.
I’ve had to block him everywhere, but he’s been phoning my workplace and threatening to contact my family members so I’ve had to get the police involved.
I’ve also been in touch with NCDV, who have put me in touch with a solicitor to try and get an emergency injunction/non-molestation order.
It’s been a little while since I’ve had any updates from anyone (police, NCDV or my solicitor) and I’m feeling stuck in limbo.

I feel sick and anxious all the time and whenever I try and distract myself from thinking about it, by watching TV or playing a game, I get intrusive thoughts about the situation.
“What if he finds a way to contact me?” “What if he calls my work again?” “What if they say no to a non-molestation order and this doesn’t stop?”
It makes me feel panicky and my chest feel tight and I just don’t know what to do right now.

I feel completely trapped in this situation as I don’t know how things are progressing, so it feels like everything has ground to a halt.
I feel like I’m just stuck here, anxious and on edge and just waiting for the next thing to happen, and I don’t know how to escape it.
I feel like I won’t be able to get past this feeling until I know that he can’t contact me anymore, if that happens, but I just don’t know how to cope in the meantime. What can I do?

[Lisa]

Hi hunnybun,

Thank you for sharing with us about what you are going through and how you are feeling. It is understandable you feel the way you do. It can be very stressful not knowing how things are progressing. Do you feel able to contact the organisations to request an update?

Best wishes,

Lisa

[hunnybun]

I’ve emailed the solicitor and they’ve responded and given me a court date.

I’ve also had a phone call from the police and they’ve asked me to go in and speak to them as they have something to disclose under Clare’s Law.
If anything, this has made me feel worse as now I’m scared that this situation is even worse than I thought. I’m really worried that I’m at risk.

[Lisa]

Hi hunnybun,

Thank you for coming back with an update. Have you got any support from your local domestic abuse service whilst you go through this? It is understandable you are worried so having the support can really help. You can find your local service via this link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

Please do keep posting to let us know how you are.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Lazarus17]

Hi hunnybun. Do get in touch with women’s aid – they can hold your hand through the process, and are possibly more familiar than a solicitor with the emotional effects this time can have.

Try not to worry about what the police may say. Chances are it’s nothing you weren’t already aware of 😞

In the meantime, I’d suggest you keep a diary. Jot down thoughts and feelings, but also things you remember that have been said or done to abuse you, and any times he’s tried to contact you since. (You may not remember all events yet, but when you do, make a note.)

Also, keep a note of who you speak to and when (police/solicitor/women’s aid). If your head’s anything like mine was, it’s mush! Note taking solidifies things a little……I got through 2 A4 pads!🤦‍♀️

Usual mental health advice – remember to eat, try and eat good stuff, (but chocolate can be your best friend too), get a bit of exercise and maybe practice some mindfulness or yoga (plenty of instruction vids around). It has a way of calming/centering yourself.

Keep reminding yourself you’re strong!
Oh, and a tip for the non mol hearing – if they won’t supply screens (mine wouldn’t) get your representative to sit between you and him, and just stare straight ahead! Don’t even look at him!

(Sorry if I’ve just made you more anxious, just wanted to pass on that tip!)

Try not to overthink stuff (I know, easier said than done!)

One minute/hour/day/week at a time 😊

XX

[hunnybun]

The disclosure from the police ended up being a surprise in a way. Obviously I can’t be specific about what I was told, but my ex-partner has hurt people, basically.
Part of me still felt like perhaps I was making too much of everything that was going on and it maybe wasn’t as bad as I was making it out to be, so hearing what he’s done to other people was a bit of a shock.

Thank you for the advice regarding the non-molestation order @Lazarus17
My ex-partner didn’t turn up to court to contest the order in the end, so it’s now been finalised and he can’t contact me for a year.

The truth is though, I don’t feel any better.
I don’t feel like I have closure.
When I ended things I just cut things off and blocked him everywhere with no explanation, and I didn’t get to tell him what he’d done to hurt me.
I feel angry and I want him to know that I’m angry and why. I can’t tell him, because of the non-molestation order, and so the only person my anger is hurting is me. That makes me even more angry because I’m not the one who’s caused the harm and I don’t feel like I deserve this hurt.
Despite the non-molestation order, I’m struggling to move on from this.

[Author]

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