Living a Lie

[chengetagirl]

Hi All,
Posting only because I’m feeling very unsure of myself right now, any guidance would be appreciated.

(Detail removed by moderator) I had a personal incident which hurt me terribly, he (hubby) didn’t even show empathy.
It discovered that I might be in a toxic relationship and went on a mission to find out more about the type it is.
(Detail removed by moderator) I requested he leave, as I had begun to see what and how things were happening and felt determined to be free of it.
He refused.
I contacted legal and they said I could proceed with a final end to the marriage.
I hesitated.
Since I asked him to go, he’s been good as gold.
Which gives me ‘nothing’ on him anymore.
I actually realised that seeing what I have discovered my entire marriage has been a lie.
It’s solidified my resolve to leave but I can’t get ‘help’ as the powers that be say I’m in no danger.
I don’t want to be in this anymore but am stuck.
I have no history with money as we always did everything off a joint account… now I can’t even privately rent anywhere.
It’s like I’m working to fund his spending habits.
Yet, he’s never laid a hand on me… just insidious looks and comments… yet he’s the nicest guy…

I don’t know whether to just file, but I’m worried he’s going to intentionally send us into debt because he knows I’ll be liable.
Tired of just battling this intelligent setup…

Because I can’t get out on my own I don’t know whether to just accept it until I can go out on my own when kids are grown.

How can I find somewhere to go with my kids and get help because I’m told if I “make” myself homeless they won’t help.

Any ideas?

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Chengetagirl

Sorry to hear about this 🙁

Has he ever pushed or blocked you, physically intimidated you with clenched fists or shoves?

Abuse is not only physical, and services to support you should be recognising that you are suffering mental and emotional abuse, or financial abuse, for instance.

It would probably be a good idea to separate your finances, so that you have your own account. If he won’t agree to stop the joint account, then maybe you could open your own account separately, which he doesn’t need to know about, and then transfer some of your money into your own account, and tell the bank that you need to leave it due to domestic abuse? I think banks may have some personnel that will help you manage the transfer. You could advise them that its also need to be a zero overdraft and give back any credit cards?

If you cannot do anything else, just get a personal account and get cashback when you do any shopping, which you can deposit into your personal account, until you get your pay details updated to go to your own account.

This would protect you financially.

No authoritites can guarantee your safety when it comes time to leave, there have been abusive partners who have never been violent to their partner until it comes time to leave, mostly its because they haven’t needed to necessarily to keep you under control, but the threat of you leaving changes that dramatically, so it is better to keep your plans quiet.

Have you ever caught him tracking you or spying on you? Does he know your online activities, want to know where you are and who you’re with all the time?

Are you reliant upon him to be able to get out, and thats why you can’t get out, or won’t he let you go out?

Can someone else come and help you to get out and about?

Do keep posting and asking so that you can gather your thoughts together.

warmest wishes

ts

[Author]

Posts