Logging abusive incidents (validation) when they happen

[deathangel]

Have been told to eff off yet again. I keep being told to eff off, especially when I bring up the abuse word to partner and tell him some home truths.

All because someone (detail removed by moderator) and being tired (you know when you do all the household chores every day, cook, clean, wash, work a full time and some job, while they sit and watch the T.V. for hours on end and set the alarm so they don’t miss something early Saturday morning…) forgot to check all pockets…well it “ruined” his favourite shirt. Which he has only had a few days. So not sure how it can be a favourite already. Oh yeah, that puts weight on the fact that I ruined it, I forgot….so I am responsible for ruining the shirt. I should have checked all the clothes (which I did, all pockets were emptied, etc) I have done a handful of loads of washing this week and nothing else got wrecked/ruined, etc. But one thing ever (of his) and bam!

The world is coming to and end, I am a whinge, I am all sorts of horrible names and I get verbally abused (swearing, shouting, bellowing for half an hour) and told to eff off.  (detail removed by moderator)

No, I do not need to eff off or change (heck I am becoming more confident by the day), he needs to eff off and stop pretending to have changed, when clearly nothing at all has. The only change is the medication he takes, which clearly is not working anymore, as the hyper moments are increasing again, as are the temper outbursts which it curbed at the beginning. Relying on medication to make changes. Tsk!

Nothing has changed, in fact, the abusiveness is happening more often and to top it off he is blaming me for the reason we do not talk. I am to blame for the lack of conversation when he does not answer simple questions, he ignores what I say, he puts headphones on while I am talking, he walks away when I am talking, he rolls his eyes, shouts at me, swears at me, blames me for the abuse and then expects me to not react to any of it. No reaction, cos abuse means he can just keep stepping on me and hurting me. And I should keep quiet. Nothing has changed. Nothing.

And yes, I am aware I am repeating myself. The only thing holding me here is the fact we co-own the house (lucky us!)…and the palava it will take to sell, split and find somewhere else to live. I am such a mug. M U G.

[KIP.]

Hey there. As you know the abuse will always get worse. Compared to what you are going through, the palava of finding somewhere else to live is nothing at all. Have you spoken to a solicitor? Thought about getting a non mol order to get him removed from the home until things are settled financially. Swearing at you and causing fear and distress is a crime. Speak to a solicitor. We minimise their abusive behaviour making things very dangerous for us. Nothing will change until you change it. He wont change and hes going nowhere. Your local wimens aid can help with an exit plan. rights for women offer free legal advice, start by ringing them.

[deathangel]

Thanks KIP.

I know I need to take the next step to phone  (detail removed by moderator)…but I am afraid…I am scared of the unknown. Scared of having to fight for what is rightfully mine. Scared of being worn down. I already am worn down. I am on the list for one to one counselling and other things. I have been doing all the necessary work for me to stay strong and have been told a few times now how strong I am. But I feel so weak, so stupid, so worthless and so alone. I feel lonely and inept. I have all the numbers for all the helplines and help sources. I have phoned a few of them. I now need to make the right move. He is on the list for a perpetrator course. Why am I waiting? Why am I still expecting things to still change? Why am I still waiting for him to do the right thing and just go away and leave us to live healthy and happy lives? Why am I still hoping, I don’t even feel any love anymore, and that is deadly serious. What is wrong with me?

Gah!

[KIP.]

What is wrong with you is you have been and are being abused. Youre trapped by the programming and brainwashing he has done to you over the years. Youre still waiting for him to be reasonable because you think he is a normal human being and that is what a normal human being would do. His perp course will not change him. If he cannot work out by now that abusive behaviour is wrong, nothing is going to change him. It took an arrest and bail conditions for me to finally get rid of my ex. That and womens aid explaining the dynamics of abuse. I, like you was frozen. Waiting for him to do the ‘right thing’. Never going to happen, so i allowed womens aid, victim support, the police and the courts to finally take over for me and set me free. Its almost impossible to do this on your own x those feeling you have i can promise will go when you have recovered from all the abuse and trauma he has left you with. Im a totally different person now. I walk tall, i have confidence and knowledge and the fog of abuse is gone and i can see him for the pathetic little controlling man he is. Complete dysfunction. Unable to function in a loving equal partnership. Never could and never will and hes not my problem anymore x

[cupcakes]

Hi I know how you feel I am going through it and what you write is how I am feeling. I can’t offer advice as I need so much myself all I can say is don’t underestimate them I’ve done that and I keep thinking his done his worst now it can’t get much worse but then it does. Here if you need to chat x

[deathangel]

So I had a tag team of him and his mother on (date removed by moderator) putting me down, telling me I was making faces and asking why I got funny with something she said. I got funny because they were (him and his mother) running people down who were not even there. My opinions never count. They can moan, groan, be nasty and absolutely horrible about people, yet two of the most controlling people I know point fingers and project their own inadequacies and faults onto others. I pulled a face because I can see the hypocrisy. Funny how my partner thought his mothers’ hubby making a face and smiling knowingly about something horrible she was saying about someone last weekend was okay, yet when I do anything remotely similar to something that was deemed funny at one point, I get it in the neck. I might as well not breathe! I cannot just sit there and take any of the bull**** anymore. I just cannot stomach it, listen to it and pretend it is okay, because it jolly well is not and it is unhealthy for people to be so negative all the time and expect others just to take it and listen to it droning on and on and on.

How can people be so horrible like that most of the time? And why do people tell me to just ignore it. That is what I have done all this time and is the reason I am where I am today, just soaking it all up, not saying or doing anything, just ignoring the nastiness, just being the nice little under the thumb girlfriend who sits and looks pretty and does not say or do anything, because if she does, it is always the wrong thing. Oh yeah, I forgot I am opinionated and not allowed to be, yet everyone else can spout their opinions and I just have to sit and listen. No more!

[Author]

Posts