Loneliness

[Justmum]

I can’t get over the overwhelming loneliness,, I feel like I’ll never be loved or find love, I’m finding it difficult to look past finding someone new, I’m feeling anxious all the time that I will be alone forever. I would never go back to my ex, I just feel like I’m desperate for male attention, it’s so sad. Why am I doing this to myself. How do I loose the desperation and need for a man to accept me. I know I need to be on my own but how do I begin to live a life that’s not validated by a man? How? Please help me

[Anonymous]

Hi hun all i wanted was to find love ive attracted the wrong ones ..its going to take me years to be anle to trust or find a man .. but when i do it be on my terms .. no sex … there be no rushing … i know i used to get lonely but i would rather be that way than abused!!! … love will find you when the time is right . Hang on in there hun x

[Healthyarchive]

Dear justmum, all of my adult life has been geared around having a man or male attention, my whole identity was based on it. I have never been completely man free in 30 years. My last abusive relationship & the guidance from this forum have made me want to stay single, at least for some time. I am now dressing for me, doing what I like & want feeling how I feel rather than living life through the eyes of another person. It is refreshing, challenging & feels much better than before. Being me rather than someones wife,girlfriend, date or used for sex😣. X*x

[Serenity]

It took me a couple of years of dreadful suffering to get my head around this, but he following is the truth:

Your ex didn’t abuse or dump you because you aren’t beautiful, or funny, or amazing, or clever, or wonderful.

In fact, he was more likely to a use you if you were the above, since he didn’t want you to outshine him. He wanted you to be lesser than him.

Part of not needing validation is recognising this. That you are amazing just as you are. And that you are so precious, that each hour is invaluable even if you are single, because you as you are are amazing.

You don’t need someone else to validate this. Just by being you, people will love you. And you should cut yourself some slack and love yourself for who you are too, imperfections and all.

And don’t forget, you are so wonderful, that you will never give anyone discounts again. That is, you will never over- give to those who do nothing for you. You deserve only the best X

[Jennaflorrie]

Serenity is right. Enjoy your own company. Join a gym or running club….cycling club….whatever.
Learn to love you and enjoy the peace. Go to a church, get involved in the community, volunteer at a charity shop…..there are many things to keep you busy.

[SaharaD]

Agree with the above. You learn to validate yourself and you keep yourself busy with counselling/therapy, courses, workshops, exercise, volunteering, work and seeing friends and family. You will be so worn out you will actually begin to value your time alone!

I keep active even though I work part-time so that when it’s time to go home alone, I can’t wait!

[Justmum]

Oh ladies thanks so much for your replies, I’m starting back at work in a few weeks and when the kids are back at school I’ll be back at the gym,
I couldn’t think of anything worse than a relationship at the moment lol. I’m just trying to get it clear in my head I don’t need every male to like me or find me sexually attractive, because that, actually doesn’t mean anything!

[Healthyarchive]

It is really refreshing to dress for you, how you feel comfortable and act for you. I have always dressed and looked how men wanted me to, most of the time I was not comfortable. Since I split from my last abusive relationship I have put on nearly one stone, I am slightly overweight. But I know I will deal with this in a healthy way for me not for anybody else. Yesterday I went out for the day, I felt so comfortable in what I was wearing and how I did my hair, it was very me. It seems to make you smile from within. XXXXX

[Serenity]

I think it helps to think specifically about how the abuse affected you- and to try to trdress those things.

For example, my abusive relationship:

Meant I stopped caring for my body
Meant I was frightened to laugh and be happy at home
Meant I became brainwashed into thinking money was bad and I wasn’t entitled to any
Meant my whole 24 hours was pandering to him ( and kids- but Si didn’t mind the kids!)
Meant I found developing my career a struggle, or even doing a day’s work ( he tried to sabotage it- even calling me at work constantly)
Meant I could never ‘potter’- I was always made to feel I had to be serving his needs
Meant he tried to wreck my relationship with my family and friends

So now:

I am on a health kick and exercise regime
I walk every day (or run )
I eat masses of salads
I have my hair coloured and cut every 6 weeks like you’re meant to
I take proper care over my beautiful regime ( I didn’t have one for years)
I only wear clothes that I really love and look like ‘me’
I read the stuff I want
I watch what I want on tv
I go to really beautiful( not just average) places
I try to set myself new challenges once in a while
I remind myself it’s ok to be that hurt child sometimes and to care for her, but that sometimes I need to be – and it’s fun to be- the empowered adult ( my ex tried to prevent this)
I do unusual and enjoyable things
I am happy just to look at and listen to my kids at times and drink in their beauty!
I do nice things with friends and family

As another lady says in another post, this is my life, and I’m going to live it.

[Serenity]

There is a book I have had for years which I adore. I don’t know if you can still get it. But it’s a real therapy:

Jennifer Louden- ‘Women’s Comfort Book.’

Also:

Sarah Ban Breathnach- ‘Simple Abundance.’

Both have been my ‘bibles’ for years!

[Healthyarchive]

What a fantasic inspiring post that you have put on there Serenity. My book which has helped me over the years is called Guide for the Advanced Soul by Susan Hayward, it has always given me peace when I have had a problem that I could not deal with. I would order your two books today. Amazon is amazingly cheap and you can normally get books second hand.

My abusive relationships:

I felt scared, on edge and unable to be myself
I dressed how men liked women to look
I did my hair and make up the same way
I could not bring out my natural personality
I completely over compromised
I have had hardly any happy or positive times in my adult life (I have always been in miserable relationships)
I had no proper friends as my relationships were my life

So now: (so far, i’m only recently out!)

I feel much more positive and focussed
I have started dressing in clothes that make me feel confortable and happy regardless of how i look

I think I’m a bit too newly single to be answering the So Now column, i will come back to this in a years time X*X

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Serenity your post Then & Now is so inspiring! This is the third post of yours I would have printed & put on my fridge indoors!!! THANKS xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Serenity]

😉

[Author]

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