Lonely – keep going back

[Anonymous]

Good evening all,

I am new to the site and hoping to find some advice.

I am struggling to leave an emotionally and physically abusive relationship with a much older man for (detail removed by moderator) years. I left him again a few weeks ago but I’ve just gone back to him. I feel so stupid. But without him, I am so painfully lonely and totally heartbroken.

I am very much in love with him but I mustn’t tolerate hitting and kicking – I need to leave but I just cant get over him. I don’t understand what it is about me that I am so attached to such a vile man. He really adds nothing positive to my life and I know I can do a lot better. I thought this person was my ‘soul mate’ and myfirst love but he has turned out to be so toxic but leaving him makes me feel so depressed – the heartbreak and loneliness is too much and so…. I go back. I never used to be like this – I don’t understand it, I should be leaving this man feeling happy and thinking ‘good riddance!’ . But we have shared some wonderful times together and he has supported me in many ways so that is hard to forget. Unfortunately I’ve lost all my friends so I don’t have a lot of support either.

I’ve read about trauma bonding and n*********s and have tried ‘no contact’ but it’s hard to do without feeling awful.

How do I build my self esteem and move on? Any advice would be much appreciated 🙂

Thank you for reading xx

[MeOnScreen]

Hi Vivien
Well done, you’ve made the first step into realising how bad this guy is for you.

Firstly you need to know how common it is that you are feeling this way. You are not silly for going back or stupid, what you are describing is exactly what I went through. I kept going back, couldn’t believe I would, thought my 16 year old self would absolutely be ashamed.
However you are human and then the way you are reacting is completely normal as most people act exactly the same when going through an abusive relationship.

The most important thing to recognise is that it won’t get better. Emotionally abusive men and women never get better without help or therapy and even then they have to be so open to it for it to ever work.

Leaving and staying away will probably be one of the most difficult things you will do and I know myself I still struggle with the staying away part. Just always remember how much he gaslights you, he is the issue not you. He is the one who is different not you.

Please contact you local WA. They can talk you through things and even put you in touch with people who can help you move to the next stage of leaving this person.

Good luck and I really do wish you all the happiness in the world 💐

[KIP.]

I think counselling would be great. Understanding ourselves and how our past experiences influence us would help. I used to imagine my ex with the face of his brother who I already knew was a nasty person. Building a strong life away from him and breaking the bond by zero contact, it’s like a drug addiction. Know that the early days of detox are terrible but the cravings lessen. You’re looking to someone else for your self worth and validation. You have the power and the key to your own self worth and giving that to an abuser is chaos and pain. Try a mantra. ‘I’m strong and I deserve better’
‘This man is destroying the real me’. Choose one that inspires you. Google the cycle of abuse. Join new clubs. Start new hobbies. Plan evenings out with work colleagues and rebuild old friendships x

[KIP.]

Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Contact your local women’s aid.

[Author]

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