Long time

[Headcook]

Hello

Headcook here

It’s been a long time
Came in search of you lovely ladies today as after years Of not speaking I’ve heard today my mother is not well and may not last long
Brother and I lost contact due to being divided by mother after years of me being only child to support a alcoholic mother and her playing us off I finally walked away from her toxic ways due to her choosing her son over me
It’s lovely to talk briefly with him
He doesn’t live in uk anymore
I’m wary
What does he really expect of me being only one close to her
No sign of him coming to see her mentioned only if she passes
I’m not of good health having had unknown heart attack and left with chronic heart failure so I’m not risking me by opening the door to her and her non change of ways
I’ll but refusing hospital just one example
My world has been rocked and I can’t allow this in
Am I wrong or am I feeling duty
Don’t no if there are any left on here from back before
Thank you all for reading HC. X

[Lisa]

Hi Headcook,

Welcome back, I remember you. I’m glad you’ve felt able to post, although I’m sorry you find yourself having to be here. This news could certainly trigger you. You’re feeling wary for a reason, I’d listen to that. You made the decision to separate from your mother years ago for valid reasons that are still relevant. There is nothing wrong with doing what you need to do to protect your health and wellbeing. I hope in time you can feel at peace with that decision.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[older lady]

Hello Headcook,

I do remember your name, but sadly a lot has happened over the past few years and my head’s not where it used to be. My daughter’s father who had been abusive to me for two decades got ill and eventually died. It was very difficult to know what to do and I dont know if there is a right answer to that. I continued to take care of myself and our daughter, and got involved only from a safe distance as I didn’t want to expose myself to any more abuse from him. I felt a great deal of sorrow for him, and despite everything cried many tears. In my initial grief, I thought I could have been more involved during his illness, but now I think my grief was somewhat misplaced, being for a dream of how things might have been but were not. Needless to say, I’m still here suffering the after effects of his abusive behaviour, I doubt I’ll ever get myself back, and not one person who knows how he was with me thinks I should have got involved at all.

I’m sorry I can’t offer more.

My best wishes and take care x

[nbumblebee]

Hi,
I dont know your story but reading the little you wrote I wanted to say, My mum chose my brother over me when i was (detail removed by Moderator) and reported him for abusing me.
We didnt have much of a relationship till I had my own kids but she has always forced herself on me she cries if i dont see her she is nasty still about me what i look like etc even now many many years later.
But she is aging and so I force myself to see her to be kind and forgiving but it messes with my head. Her and my not so nice husband get on well they often love to gang up and can be rather mean. Sorry im not being very helpful here look what I wanted to say was if i could leave and run and get away I would and I wouldnt go back. I am just not brave.
I completly understand how tough this must be she is after all your mum but actually as a mum myself id protect my kids always id lie down for my kids id give up everything all mums would or they should, but it doesnt sound like she was a mum to you and you have had to fight and to look after yourself, heal and grow yourself so you have no need to go back if you dont want too you should feel no remorse if you dont go and see her or engage with her you need to look after you as you have had to do in the past as harsh as it sounds if she is unwell will visiting her make her better? I doubt it will, this desition has to be based on you and what you want to do not whats right or wrong not what others think you must do you must think of you, your health your wellbeing your life, YOU.
Whatever you do I hope you find inner peace sweetie I really do x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Headcook

We know each other from a while back, and I am sorry to see that you are feeling under this pressure.

What you say makes a lot of sense, that you are feeling that sense of ‘duty’. To do ‘what society expects of you’. However, only you know how this affects you, so you have your own decisions. They are yours alone, noone elses. Make your decision that prioritises your health and well-being, and then hold your head high, that you are looking after your own needs at last.

I hope you can find the strength in your own decision, and know that you are doing what you need to, even if that doesn’t make others happy. I hope it brings you peace.

warmest wishes

ts

[Headcook]

Lisa thank you for remembering me
Twisted sister thank you also
And the other 2 lovely ladies that have replied

It is infact guilt and duty that I would be putting myself back there

All I ever wanted was a mum
This she was never consistent off never quite made it
Her abuse of me was just as brutal as the abuse from my own grown up son and numerous x partners
I now live on my own and it’s (detail removed by Moderator) years since I stopped living with my son
(detail removed by Moderator) years since I walked away from her abuse and I can’t take anymore
Thanking you all for not making me feel a bad person for not wanting to go see her I can’t allow her to give fake apologies and excuses and exonerate herself of any guilt or blame
I can’t be sucked into her world
And I don’t want to feel ashamed for not being there for the last (detail removed by Moderator) years
This always was and remains a safe space we’re you are understood
So thank you all HC x

[Twisted Sister]

good for you. Take care x*x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Headcook, I’ve thought about you often over the past few years, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with this situation too.
I was listening to a YouTube video the other day and many of the replies were validating people who had gone no contact with either a parent or their whole family because of abuse. We are programmed to be there for our parents by society because “they’re your parents”. Only you can decide to be at your mum’s bedside. As Twisted Sister (I can’t believe you’re still on here too, though I’m glad you are, you were one of the first people to talk to me a few years back and I’d like to say thank you for all your good advice then) said, do what’s right for you and your health. Everyone else be dawned, they’re not in your shoes.
Stay strong and true to yourself, everything else will fall into place.
Best wishes
IWMB 💞 💞

[Twisted Sister]

Hi IWMB

I remember you too, thank you for your kinds words and I’m glad it helped some.

Having just read this thread back, I am hoping that HC is doing ok, and is at peace with whatever decision she makes. There may be little your mother can still do to hurt you now HC, and if you feel you need to see her before the very end, then do that for you too, to say your goodbyes, however difficult that may be, but make sure you will be ok first and foremost. If you are still reading on here.

warmest wishes both

ts

[Headcook]

Thank you lovely ladies

So many I remember

Well I held off and things settled no further news on mother
So the panic was over subscribed to me I feel I’m so glad I held back and did not go running
One can’t help but suspect that was infact what I was expected to do as previous.
Sorry family but I’m not that daughter that used to be there taking what ever was thrown at me
I’m proud of me

Think maybe my gut will tell me when her true end is close
Then I will decide
Until then I continue to look out for me and my health

Thank you lovely ladies
Happy new year. HC. X

[Marmalade]

Well done Headcook.
You were very strong and did the right thing for you.
You are right to feel proud of how far you have come.

[Eggshells]

Hi Headcook

I remember you my lovely. So good to here that you are making the right decisions for you. Stay strong. xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi HC, that’s great news that you listened to yourself. What I’ve been doing for a good few years now is just to take steps back, watch and listen to how everyone is behaving. I still have some contact with my now ex husband😊😊but it is getting less and less. He’s quite ill too, karma,certainly does work, and it’s maybe just the last vestiges of obligation that slow him in my space. Though as I’ve said that contact is getting less and less. So again, well done and keep taking those not so baby steps by the sounds of it
IWMB 💞💞

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