Looking for advice after separation and moving on

[Yellowdaisy]

Hi I’m new to anything like this. I recently finally left an abusive relationship after (detail removed by Moderator) years of continually going back.
I have no confidence or self esteem and still feel confused about what happened. I have a good support network and work keeps me sane. I know it was the right thing to do and I am no longer scared or stressed but I can’t help but feel I no longer know who I am or what I want in life as all I knew before was him and the relationship. I am working hard to socialise, exercise and work hard but apart from that I don’t know what to do now. I think I still love him but I know I can’t be with him and don’t want to be with him so is it love or just familiarity. He told me no one else would ever want me and made me feel so unattractive and worthless at times and I don’t want another relationship anyway after that but I just feel stuck in no mans land. Anyone else felt like this and got any tips for moving on with their life?

Thank in advance! ☺️

[Emptybutfree]

Hi, I’m new to this too, I’m unsure how my words can help you but I will try.

I’ve also battled with wondering if I still love my ex partner, even if he is abusive, degrading and hurtful and I’ve come to accept that I probably do – there is absolutely nothing wrong with this and shows we are good people with good intentions and we have a heart.

I’ve been trying to educate myself on ‘trauma bonding’ this has opened my eyes a lot also and could be a good thing to look at.

The feelings of being ‘stuck’ I believe are because this isn’t person has been a big part of your life for a long time, whether that be good or bad – we almost feel as though we’re trying to fill the void, again, I think this is a very normal way to feel.

It sounds as though you’re making very positive changes to your life. I’d stick with it and take every day as it comes.

You’re doing amazing xx

[Yellowdaisy]

I will look that up. Thank you for your words it’s so helpful to speak to people who actually understand as friends and family who have never been through it don’t get it and think I’m ‘weak’ for letting him abuse me and going back. So thanks again!

[KIP.]

Absolutely zero contact is how you start to move on. Breaking that bond is like an addiction. You need to go zero contact and that includes hearing stories about him or looking on social medial. Destroy his phone number and contact details. Report any contact from him to the police. Sometimes you have to burn bridges so that you don’t go back across them x

[ISOPeace]

You are not weak Yellowdaisy! The widespread belief that people stay in abusive relationships because they’re weak is one of the most destructive misconceptions about abuse. I’m sure there are many reasons for it being such a common belief, despite research going back to the 1950’s showing otherwise, but I think one of the reasons is that it’s what people want to believe. People want to believe that they would never end up in an abusive relationship and that they would never put up with abuse. The easiest way to believe that this is true is to believe that abuse only happens to weak people.

The reality is that abuse happens to all sorts of people. I’ve read that the common feature of victims of abuse is empathy – abuse uses it against us. Abuse starts with a slow process of brainwashing, so that you don’t even realise it’s abuse. Abusers all use common tactics to create and maintain a power imbalance, because they want control over their partner (e.g. making you feel worthless by saying nobody else would want you). The trauma bond happens because the abuse messes with our survival response, leaving us believing it’s too dangerous to leave. It’s basically the same as Stockholm Syndrome. I spent years thinking I was weak because I could leave a relationship that made me miserable 100% of the time, I didn’t love him any more. When I learnt about trauma bonding it was like a weight was lifted. I didn’t need to work out what was wrong with me any more – there wasn’t anything wrong, it was normal response to abuse.

You might find it interesting to know that a psychologist studying the effects of brainwashing on US soldiers during the Korean war came up with a list of key tactics, which are the same as the tactics used by abusers. If it works on soldiers, it’s not so surprising that it works on people who have no reason to believe that their partner would be trying to brainwash them. You can Google Biderman’s chart of coercion domestic violence.

It’s also important to remember that you have to be strong to survive in an abusive relationship. Looking back, I can’t believe I managed to appear normal at work and with everyone who I hadn’t told about the abuse. It’s like living in a war zone but pretending everything is ok.

It must be upsetting to think that friends/family think you’re weak for not leaving/going back. It doesn’t sound very supportive. But it could be that they just can’t make sense of it, and that’s the only explanation they can think of, rather than actually thinking badly of you. If you feel it would help, you could explain trauma bonding to them. I felt less judged by others when I learnt about trauma bonding, even when I didn’t tell people about it.

Well done for reaching out here. The support on this forum had a huge impact on me finding the courage to leave and stay away. Sending lots of love xxxx

[Yellowdaisy]

That’s so helpful thank you so much guys! So reassuring to know your not on your own! x*x

[Author]

Posts