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Hi,
I’m a single mum to a young child, and it’s been (number removed by Moderator) months since I left her dad. Our relationship was full of chaos — drug and alcohol use, lies, manipulation. He told me he had cancer (prior to dating), claimed he was being targeted by a gang, and now says he has advanced ADHD. I honestly don’t know what’s true anymore — the story is always changing depending on what he wants.
He flips between emotional messages about missing our daughter and threatening court action to get more access. I’ve offered consistent contact — (timeframe removed by Moderator) — but he often doesn’t show up, or says he can’t manage unless I’m there to help because something is wrong with him. He digs at me constantly, twists everything to make himself look like the victim, and blames me for the fallout.
He runs successful businesses and is currently paying a decent amount of child maintenance — but only because he chooses to. He’s made it clear he could drop it to the minimum any time. He knows I need the money and uses it as leverage. It’s financial control, plain and simple.
He also has a daughter from a previous fling, but now I feel like she was manipulated just like I was. He’s barely in her life either. When I bring this up, he tells me it was different — that child was “planned.” But a child is a child. It’s not their fault how they came into the world. He’s still their dad and should be showing up for both of them. It makes me so angry that he keeps getting away with this pattern — causing damage and then walking away from responsibility.
He left us homeless, I lost my career, and now I’m trying to rebuild while constantly being bombarded by his drama, threats, and emotional manipulation. I’m scared he’ll get more access despite not being capable of looking after our daughter safely. I just want him to leave us alone so I can give her a stable and happy life.
I don’t know how much more I can take. Thank you for reading — I just needed to get this out.
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Hi,
It’s early days for you, you have done the brave bit by making the right choice to leave this man. He sounds like he can’t commit to anything as well as using manipulation through emotional control to keep you guessing, seek out your empathy and make himself look like the good guy. All very common tactics used by abusive men. You could prepare yourself incase he decides to pursue contact. If you have messages from him highlighting his lies and manipulation screenshot them, make notes of the dates and times he’s failed to show up to contact also write notes about particular times he was abusive. The last can help you whenever you feel yourself feeling sorry for them or falling for their lies and manipulation. For him to apply to court takes commitment, financially and practically which he doesn’t sound like he has?
Keep strong x
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Hello jaker140708
It sounds like you really are in the thick of it, which is crazy difficult to manage, but you have strong good values behind you, and know your mind. There’s no getting around it, it is hellish for anyone dealing with the fallout of abusers. The one thing I can say is that once you know who they are and what to expect from them, although it’s rough to accept, it does make like a bit more manageable, and it does sound like you do know him, and what to expect, like worse than nothing!
With the knowing and expecting comes resilience to the rubbish. Set your boundaries to make you feel and keep safe, and stick to them. You will be able to create some stability and consistency in this way, for you both. I’ve found it’s not really the children they are actually interesed in, but the children are perfect little pawns for them to manipulate to create distress and chaos with. Which is why the boundaries matter so much to you both.
Make sure that he can’t get ‘into’ your life for instance, block him on your phone, meet away from your place of residence if you have to handover or better still ask a third party if you can, nominate one means of communication that you can manage and stick to it, keep all and any communication to an absolute minimum, i.e. only to arrange contact, that’s safe (for you both!). The further you can distance yourself via strong boundaries the safer you will be and feel.
We have become used to chaos and high anxiety, and distance will help ease this, bbut each contact can inflmae it rapidly again, try to prepare for that, prepare your answers as much as you can, set in your mind what’s reasonable and stick to it, and keep a log of all interactions/arrangements ready should you need them for police or court. Make sure you know your rights in terms of what you can expect in terms of asserting your own boundaries and police enforcing them. You might also find the Freedom Programme very helpful, where you can feel that you are amonst other women who understand and know the abuser score, learn their tactics, and create a network of contacts/services/supports for yourself.
I really feel for your situation right now, in the depths of it, but you can make things different for you and your daughter by arming yourself to deal with his behaviours. Make sure that you are clear with your daughter also about wrong behaviours when she witnesses them, that she knows what is safe and what isn’t, and who she can go to if needed when not with you. If you don’t feel contact is safe alone with him then set up some supervised contact. There are contact centres that can accommodate such arrangements.
Look after yourself well.
warmest wishes
ts
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