Lost my friends and can’t make more

[Tian]

I thought I was very lucky, when I left my abuser, because I had friends. They helped me get

somewhere to live, and gave me some bits of furniture. I was very grateful to them all.

They all said they considered me fixed now. I could carry on like nothing had happened. I said

thank you, but I felt that full healing would take a little longer.

They said they didn’t want to hear about that. My talk about therapy, self help, healing etc made

“people feel uncomfortable”. I tried to act like my old self but clearly I failed. I got dumped by

everyone. Someone started the rumour that I had had q breakdown. Some people treated me

badly on social media, so I stopped using that. Since then I haven’t managed to make a single

new friend. If I tell them my story, I’m told I’m being dramatic and “surely that couldn’t have

happened because, surely, things like that don’t happen”. If I don’t tell them my story, I’m being

mysterious and standoffish. If I get upset trying to find a way to explain myself, I’m being weird.

I have no job so no work colleagues and no money for going out.

How are we expected to behave to fit into society after going through all of this?

[Lisa]

Hi Tian,

I’m sorry that you’re going through this loss while still trying to heal. It does take time and it’s not right that your friends expected you not to talk about the realities of your life. You shouldn’t have to pretend. Isolation is one of the big impacts of domestic abuse and it’s compounded by a lack of understanding about abuse in the general public. Not everyone is like this though, there are people who appreciate honesty and won’t expect you to diminish your truth to fit how they decide you should be.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Tian]

Thank you for your kind words Lisa.

I spent (number removed by Moderator) months not really talking to anyone and it was tough, but I confronted a lot of dependency issues.

I decided last month to come out of my cave. Joining this group was part of my decision to build myself a better support network.

I no longer rush to share, because I have less need for validation. I’m more like “I will tell you my story, bit by bit, only as I deem you worthy to receive it” and that seems to make me a little bit of a badass 😁

[EvenSerpentsShine]

That’s really good to hear Tian. It sounds like you went through a tough time but have come out the other side with a really good way to approach others. I’ll be your friend and share with you if you prove yourself trustworthy. Sounds really good.

After going through something like this it’s difficult to stop thinking about it and talking about it and becoming a bore isn’t it. I feel like I need to give myself a cut off point after which I just don’t talk about it again! But it’s hard, it kind of obsesses my mind.

[Tian]

Thank you for your kind words EvenSerpentsShine.

On reflection I think I made a mistake using my relatives and friends as a support group. That was something they were not OK with.

Eventually I searched up support groups and joined whatever seemed appropriate and, after a few weeks of meetings and forum posts, I think I’m better able to separate out “people who care” from “people who really don’t” and adjust my expectations accordingly.

I make mistakes nearly every day. But I am at least talking to other human beings on the reg now. That’s progress …right?

[swanlake]

I’m sorry that you’ve experienced this from people.

I have endured different kinds of abuse from several perpetrators and it is weird to think that my experience is different from many people’s. I am drawn to people who don’t ask questions about my past but just accept me as I am now because my past is horrendous and hard for me to talk about.

I still wonder about how I’m managing to fit in society. I guess that quite a large proportion of people suffer in silence behind closed doors or in plain sight or don’t realise what’s truly going on. It feels good to meet like-minded kind people and I’m glad that you’ve found this forum.

[spiritedaway]

Hi Tian

It is so difficult isn’t it, I’m in a phase where I have withdrawn from my “friends” as I was drained trying to be what the wanted/needed me to be.  I just want to be myself and that is someone that is still healing and if they can’t accept that then are they really the friends I need?

We will find our people, those that don’t pry and don’t judge and accept us for the person we are and when we do we will be so grateful that we have the space and time for them.  We’ll be amazed that we accepted less from these so called friends.

We are worthy as we are, yesterday, today, tomorrow as we keep going on that healing journey.

xx

[Tian]

Thank you all for your understanding and support.

I have been going back through my journals. I am so glad I started a journal when this all kicked off, because without it I would be constantly gaslighting myself and saying to myself “surely that couldn’t have happened”. When I go back through the books I see exactly what happened, when, how I felt and how the people around me reacted. It’s a very powerful tool for seeing  reality.

Anyways.  So IT happened, my friendship group were helpful, “sorting me out”.

Then I started to feel more confident and made some decisions without running them by the group first. Then things changed. The kindly ones used kindness, the unkind ones used unkindness. But they were all trying to achieve the same goal, to get me to go along with the group without setting any personal boundaries or making my own decisions. When I (respectfully, I thought) didn’t change the choices that caused them  mental discomfort I was thrown out of their group. It’s creepy to such a thing about friends and relatives. But it’s right there in my journals.

I have a new support network now where people are expected to respect each others’ autonomy.

Take care of yourselves xx

[StrongLife]

I lost all of my friends and needed to relocate. I joined a social group in time though it was not that same.

I too wonder when I will get that level of friends again if I ever will.

[Author]

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