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Over the months I have been trying to understand why I feel as I do, I got rid of my horrible ex, i finished it and was sure of that decision at the time. Since we have split I still feel controlled, he were controlling and abusive during the relationship. We do not see or speak anymore so there is no logical reason why I would feel controlled. Yesterday & today’s live chat on coercive control really helped and gave me some pointers. It has also struck me that during my relationship my ex must have sent me in excess of 2000 text messages, mainly where he was declaring undying love and telling me that I were his soulmate. His words were like gold, poetic & he seemed to know the right things to say. But our actual face to face interactions were quite c**p, nothing like the love poetry he sent by text. He was not great company, unreliable, hard work, controlling & mean. He contributed nothing just took. I think this endless texting and declarations of love contribute to the ongoing feeling of being controlled. That had never occurred to me before. X*X (I would be grateful for anybody’s comments if they understand what I am trying to describe or have too experienced it). Thanks! X*X
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I do understand!
I would be at work, and get endless calls and texts declaring his undying love.
Then, that very same day, he would return from work in a bad mood, and make me feel small.
I couldn’t understand this dichotomy.
Now, I think that it’s all part of their unrealistic idealism. Apparently, n*********s see themselves as the lead player in a huge drama. They have delusions of grandeur: they see themselves as wonderful, and their life as being worthy of a blockbuster film, as they are so extraordinary.
Everything and everyone in their life needs to be ‘extraordinary’ too: partners need to be beautiful, slim, patient, always massaging their so, adoring them and forgiving their bad behaviour. Kids need to be respectful, fearful of them, and do their bit in making their dad look good.
Kids aren’t allowed to be naughty, to misbehave, or to have their own personalities. Wives and partners aren’t allowed their own interests either: they need to be perfectly turned out and scoring at all times.
I think these n*********s have this unrealistic drama going on in their minds when they are day dreaming alone, when we aren’t there. The. They see the real us, and we might be tired, or not look perfect, or dare to be animated about something other than them. We might be focused on the kids. Somehow, we don’t fit their ideal daydream, where they the abuser hold centre stage. They are disappointed that we aren’t behaving as we ‘should’ so start to be unkind.
I also think that they do t like us being far from them and not under their watchful eye, so they control us with texts etc. When we aren’t around, as if to claim ownership of us.
They are very mixed up.
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Thank you for your reply Serenity, it struck me today that his endless deep text messages may have been a big factor in why I felt so controlled, I just need to get my head around the fact that those messages & the content were insincere & not true. This will make it a lot easier for me to move on once I separate his abundance of love texts with his face to face behaviour. X*x
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Love bombing to create distraction more like lol. How can someone who is so attentive and wonderful be hurting me? It causes confusion and our brains over ride the bad with the good for self preservation. The truth is too painful so we push the good stuff to the front. My ex used to give me this nonsense about having ‘points in the bag’. Like when he did good things the points built up, so when he did bad things, he just lost some of those points! He was a real idiot X
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Thank you for your comments, I feel that I have had a breakthrough of realisation that I didn’t think of before. His texts were long, regular until he hooked me & all showing undying love. Once he hooked me these reduced & he would ignore me when I text him. He was still spot on with the words though, texting according to my emotional need at that point. Our time spent together face to face was mainly me keeping things alive, I did not really enjoy his company, he did not act the way his texts spoke. I think a lot of the control & illusion of lovliness was created by text messaging.
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My ex’s texts were one of his biggest love-bombing weapons.
He would say such lovely things, call me such sweet names; he had pet names for me, etc.
I think KIP has hit the nail on the head with her response. It is part of their game plan. See how easy it is for a victim to blame themselves for not being perfect ( like I did, above)? The stark truth is, they are just playing one big, cruel, power game.
I don’t care if I never hear another romantic word or get called any other pet name for as long as I live, by any other man. All I want is for him to be good and kind, and for his actions to prove it.
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Love bombing had me good and proper. Even during one of his arrests I was pleading PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME. Please don’t arrest him I need him… just after breaking my nose and smashing my face in. Love bombing would also come after his attacks. He even said to officers attending it’s all fine now, we’ve been cuddling on the couch. I look back and don’t recognise that person I was.
I also think the declarations of love via text are done to cover up what they’re really up to. Extra martial affairs, financial abuse etc. I found that in my case anyway. I started noticing a pattern and thought yeah yeah what have you done now. I swear he would cut and paste the same c**p to cover his back.
xx
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Dear Undertherainbow, the confusion and mind games in operation is off the scale isn’t it. Breaking down your last post in this thread: Your ex was arrested (i;m assuming for being being violent towards you. Reality: He did wrong. He then BLAMED YOU. He then quickly switched, deciding not to press charges. I expect when you found that out you felt grateful and cared about (MIND GAMES/Confusion). This takes sheer detective work, i feel like inspector clouseou!!!
The blame that they put on you results in 1. guilt on your part 2. Confusion and the will to try harder to be what they want.
All ladies, thank you so much for your insight into this. It seems to be a calculated minefield of carefully crafted manipulation over a long period of time. It never occurred to me to say hold on a minute, put all of his texting to one side and concentrate on the day to day interactions. His texts made my world so foggy, i constantly felt less than and had to work for a good relationship. Knowledge is Power, now I realize this, his game plan I think I will get over this more easily. His modus operandi, love bombing by text and being an amazing lover. But that is all that he had. Its very shallow.
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I actually think this big power game my ex played with me he was using his friends and possibly some family members too as part of the game. How cruel and unkind. In my eyes I was in a relationship, I had given him my commitment and more access to my life than anyone ever had before. This was again another thing probably concocted by him for me to do that, I have most certainly never given any man keys to my house before as I did with him. A few times when we were together he and his best friend were not acting normally towards me. I would love to have been a fly on the wall when they were talking about me. I think that I was just a toy and he and his best friend were having fun at my expense, the goal, who knows what. I told him all along he would never get any money. But his friendship with his friend was so tight, i just did not trust it.
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hi ladies,
My mum has ASPD traits and she is love bombing me now since i went no contact. They do it for 3 reasons 1 to look like they are lovely and cover their tracks like has previously been mentioned., 2 to hold you to ransome in the relationship. Afterall they are so wonderful to you and of course if we are weighing up the relationship and thinking to leave we then feel guilty when we think of the things they have said or given us. And we think oh they cannot be all bad. and of course everyone wants to feel loved so it presses our warm and fuzzy buttons and finally if they have personality disorder traits its all about them getting emotional supply off us. in other words if we are delighted and happy with a gift for instance then us thanking them makes them feel Godlike and superior that they were able to control our emotions and make us happy or sad and also God like and superior that we fell for their tricks which gives them a huge rush. it is never about a guilty concious as serenity said! -
Dear Anna, your words that struck me were ‘Godlike and superior’. I also like to use the term ‘Supreme God’.
Since I split from my ex I had what I am slowly beginning to understand, was a belief that my ex was some sort of supreme god. Along the lines of Jesus Christ or the most powerful god in the world. That sort of surreal figure. I really believed he fell into this status. I am gradually coming to realize that this was an illusion, this belief, that possibly he had created. I did not know that before, just that I had lost God all mighty, a truly devastating loss. Again with my emerging understanding I am gathering that this monumental loss that I have suffered was as a result of the tactics used when we were together which made me feel so weak and needy, how we actually finished and his follow on deliberate silent treatment and withholding. I am sure had he and I sat down and been open, honest and normal agreeing to split and apologizing, taking responsibility etc, I would not have believed he were a supreme god and I would have moved on normally. I have split from other men before, normal men, I did not believe they were gods.
In stark contrast, it was me who finished it as he treated me awfully. He swiftly took back control by ending it too. He was not attractive physically, not great company and incredibly mean. He was far from a supreme god. Possibly even less that Joe Average. I saw his Facebook once, he had women literally begging him to contact them. I did not know where he got such power. He knew what to do and say and just the right amount to heighten interest. He used to tell me he would study body language, he spent a lot of time researching tactics to get into peoples minds.
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