Low

[Hopesprings]

I am feeling extremely low lately. I know I am better off out and feel more free but if I am honest I sometimes feel like I will never be truly free from this. I want so much to be “normal” and enjoy my life but sometimes I feel like I am still with him – I can’t go to places where he’s got a chance of being. He ruled my life for all those years and I feel like he’s still doing it even though he’s technically not in my life anymore. I don’t want to live my life like this. I’ve been so happy and felt like I was coping but recently all I want to do is see what he is up to, checking his social media etc. I’m angry. Angry at myself at him. Feel like I am about to snap. I do feel like a stronger person now, but I can’t help but feel annoyed at myself for not getting out sooner because sometimes I feel like he’s really ruined my life in some ways.

[Tuppance]

Hi, I know what you mean about being angry at yourself for not getting out sooner – I feel exactly the same and angry at myself for being weak but then I think that I just wasn’t ready to face up to the harsh reality. It’s not like I deliberately didn’t take action what I was doing was coping – so busy coping that the enormity of actually getting out is just too big to process. I think you shouldn’t be so hard in yourself . Tomorrow is a new day and it will be what we make of it. Don’t check up on him – I don’t understand why you would want to? Xx

[Diamond]

Hey I know how you feel …. I am new on here I left (detail removed by moderator) ago after bein beaten two broken wrists two black eyes and ear I should have left sooner but what made me stay metal a use he got in my head feel worthless went to wrk put a face on did not tell anyone at wrk to ashamed why we ask ourselves I can’t go no where as it remind me keep crying I wish I could be normal blame myself y this happens sometimes I wish I was not here but my two sons keep me having them thorts why do I keep thinking of him I am so low he has destroyed me mentally and physically how long does
It take for being normal sorry to go on about me

[Hopesprings]

I don’t want to I just do it. I hadn’t for a long long time but it’s become an overwhelming itch I need to scratch.

I think I just go through highs and lows, and it’s just a low at the moment. I know it will get better, just hard to see it just now

[Anonymous]

Hi hopesprings . I know exactly how you feel. Iam having good days and bad days. Iam on a long road to recovery iam getting help to guide me through . Most days the pain is just too much .. i feel like he is still controlling me .hes under my skin and in my head. He emotionaly made me sick hun . Things can only get better for you hugs x

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Hopesprings, you are absolutely DICING WITH DEATH if you check his social media. Death for your peace of mind, recovery and well being. You are 100% guaranteed to see something that really upsets you, fires you up, makes you feel suicidal or makes you want to contact or even stalk him. I don’t think i’m being over dramatic or have this wrong. We are dealing with a different catagory of man & situation. Our emotions are so fragile & our self esteem has been basically ripped out of us. We must treat ourselves with love and care and watch out for ourselves. I will NEVER do any searches for my ex or any of his associates ever again. I can understand your need. I did a few months ago but the pain it caused me just from a suspicion i had was too much. I think you should stay firmly away from all contact with any social media he has links to. X*X ( I changed my name on FB and developed some new hobbies & interests so that my FB is not individualistic to me, it has zero trace of him anywhere).

[Healthyarchive]

I meant that my FB is now individualistic to me. X*X

[Hopesprings]

Dear HA. Yeah I know it’s doing me no good. Will try my hardest to keep off it. I’ve had an event happen at work recently that has brought all this to the surface going to access staff counselling

[SaharaD]

Hi Hopesprings.

Did you do the Freedom Programme online?

I know it is hard with working full-time but hand on heart if you don’t get the proper treatment for the trauma of domestic abuse it will come back to haunt you. I also don’t think staff counselling is an appropriate treatment.

I had a snoop on my abusive husband’s once or twice in over two years but I think it was because I haven’t completely removed all reference to him on my social media so I get reminders pop up in my feeds or notifications. I don’t know what I am going to do about that to be honest.

I can see that you are not properly no contact for more than a year so these feelings will continue. I started women’s support group and specialized counselling 5-6 months after the split. I think to be honest I was still traumatized.

I had a special day last week and I reflected on my life. I felt so lucky but I almost burst into tears in public after reading my journal entries of when I was with him. I genuinely thought that I was the problem back then and now more that 4 years later I felt so sorry for myself from back then. All the dreadful factual things he said to me not things based on my opinion. He even said that once he had given me money for a trip ” that he should have never given me the money” thereby ruining the trip. He also threatened to leave me alone on a special family holiday as if I wasn’t part of his family. I had no clue he was abusing me but I knew something wasn’t right. In the back of my head I just thought I hope he would never behave like this to our future child. But of course he was already abusing my inner child and strangling my self-esteem and will to live.

Every time you get an urge to contact or have any type of contact with him, come on here and read the posts or write what thoughts are going through your head. I don’t care what my husband is doing but I know karma has something nasty in store for him. When people are nasty to me, something always unfortunate happens to them and I don’t know how or why and my life just carries on as normal.

[SaharaD]

Normal is over-rated. I (removed by moderator) where a student psychologist said no one is normal. So there you go we all have our flaws and vulnerabilities and make mistakes. The key is to learn from them. Some people never learn..that’s their flaw.

[Hopesprings]

Yes I did do it. Although staff Coinselling isn’t ideal it is really the only option for me. I don’t just work full time, I work difrrent shifts week to week. It’s been hard enough trying to fit driving lessons in around it.

[Hopesprings]

Counselling*

[SaharaD]

I understand. My solution was to request permission from my managers and HR to attend.

I told them that I had to attend a group/therapy for a personal private matter and requested I kept that space free at the same time every week. I would make back up the hours by working a longer shift on other days if necessary. I imagine this might be hard if childcare comes into it. Seriously consider it once you have finished the driving lessons.

I understand you might not want to say anything to work but they can’t discriminate if you are depressed and they have to make reasonable adjustments.

Many times my managers didn’t want to listen to me so I took a fit to work with adjustments note to work and showed them it every time they tried to make me do something that would make my well being worse. I think my GP enjoyed writing those instead of a complete sick note.

[Hopesprings]

Thanks for the ideas 🙂 staff counselling would be a good start though, I could find out if therapy is going to be good for me as it’s not for everyone.

I told my last boss about all this and he was pretty useless so it has put me off a bit, however my new team are a lot more supportive so could be different.

But yeah I just need to do one thing at a time at the moment.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Hopesprings, I am in the same position as you. I split some months ago, i caused the split as i knew he was c**p partner but I am suffering with difficulty in moving on. My days and hours are still filled with thoughts of him and my life feels lacking in joy and difficult. My ex was very controlling & I still feel controlled. Yesterday I started some new reading which really struck a chord, helping me to understand why I feel controlled still, it may help you to read these things too. Also to remind yourself of why you split up. I finished with my ex because we didn’t have the basics of a strong relationship and it couldn’t be fixed. I too have been happy lately, I think when you get some sort of reminder thats when the horrible thoughts time starts. This down period seems to ease off after a short while. I have had a recent anniversary which sent me into a spiral of obsessive depression, I am hoping in the next couple of days I will start to feel better again.

Escape, free yourself from the N********t by HG Tudor
Stop Spinning, start breathing by Zari Ballard

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Hopesprings, it might be an interesting project for us to monitor these highs and lows that we are having and how they link/if they do, with events. I predict my next low will be at Christmas/New Year as we always spent those together. My emotions will be affected then and I will probably get very depressed and want to contact him. Possibly also a few weeks early when there is a big anniversary. At the same time monitoring how you feel when there is not a big event, you said that you have been happy lately, it is just due to the work event.

This may help us to identify forthcoming difficult times, prepare for them and manage them.

XXXX

[Hopesprings]

Dear Healthyarchive,

Thanks for your replies. The work thing has absolutely triggered these emotions however it is also a certain anniversary today so I think the work thing has triggered my feelings and made me deal with them a little sooner.

Christmas will be difficult this year perhaps even more so than last. I worked xmas and Boxing Day and even though I was alone I knew it would be better than being with him.

Will definitely look into reading those things as well x*x

[Healthyarchive]

Yes, the reading really has helped me understand what I was dealing with & why i feel as i do. I didn’t really enjoy most of my time with my ex but when you are dealing with mind games and gas lighting it is difficult to see reality clearly, I thougtt I was to blame for everything & that I just needed to try harder. I know that my time since we split has been better than when we were together, its just the trauma bonding that hurts. X*X

[lifelibertyhappiness]

Reading this has helped me feel like I’m not alone on a hard day. It seems to be taking so long to recover and there is something so galling about knowing that while I was trapped in my abusive marriage, I seemed stable, and now I am free I am so unstable. I guess it depends on each individual but how long have people found it takes for them to get back to a stage where they are not having anxiety attacks or suicidal thoughts every day? I am totally desperate not to be such a mess: I hate what it is doing to my reputation at work and my relationships.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Lifelibertyhappiness, I think it just takes time and that CRUCIAL NO CONTACT, repeat CRUCIAL NO CONTACT!!!!! If you have kids & have to have contact then its CRUCIAL GREY ROCK. Some of the other ladies might best be able to advise you on Grey Rock as I don’t have kids so i’m not best to say. But if your in a position where you dont have to have any contact with this person then you need to make sure that your still 1000% to having no contact at all with him, any friends, relatives, associates, snooping or checking his social media. No Contact covers quite a broad area, i like the book by HG Tudor called No Contact as it covers all bases. Once you have got to this stage then you will find that your thoughts and feelings vary dramatically and change over time. I have recently been very manic and depressed due to a recent big event that I was meant to be a part of. It made me feel really down and comfort eat. Before that I was doing fine. So any events or reminders may disturb your healing (for a while!). Depending on how long you have split and what your circumstances are will depend when you start to feel better. My ex took away any chance of peace and happiness that I could have post split by giving me the silent treatment, taking no responsibility and blaming me for everything. Had he taken a different, more balanced approach and even apologized to me this would have not caused me so much pain. But if you can stick to NC, work through the moments, hours and days to come, post on here as much as you need to, attend the freedom programme & read as many abuse books that you can, you should see some improvements in time. I remember about 6 weeks after we split I smiled a genuine smile, smiling with my eyes as well as my mouth. As well as that I laughed, a really good belly laugh. I remember when that happened I realized that freedom was in sight. I don’t want to give you false hope that it will be a bed of roses as soon as you split up. I still feel sad every day and would like to hear from him (if he acted like a normal decent person) and sometimes I miss him. But i didn’t want to get to being an old lady with a man who wouldn’t take me to the hospital if needed or bring me soup if i was ill. He was a controlling abuser who made me very mentally unwell. I dont regret finishing but wish we could be in touch, i would like to tell him that I wish him well and I would like him to receive that with grace. It might help you to read the thread from earlier today about opportunties for women in 2016, there are so many. X*X

[Serenity]

Hope Springs and LifeLibertyHappiness,

I have recently realised that two things were holding me up in my recovery process:

1) Unecessary guilt, blaming and hating myself for no reason post-abuse, for things that weren’t even my fault, and with this being too hard on myself and expecting perfectionism

2) Comparing myself to others and worrying too much what others think

We need to show ourselves immense compassion. We victims tend to beat ourselves up over things, when in fact we have done nothing to take away our right to peace and happiness. Everyone is entitled to peace and happiness

Don’t feel you need to rush the recovery process. The very feeling of frustration and guilt that we aren’t progressing as fast as we ‘should’ can hinder is further- because it gives rise to that damaging thing of beating ourselves up, etc.

My trauma affected my work. My performabce at times has been sadly lacking. This ushers for me to swallow, as previously I have always been a very conscientious employee. But feeling guilt over it will make it worse. What happened to me was imposed upon me. Even the most ‘together’ person can become a wreck for one reason or another. It could happen to anyone. All we can do is move on inch by inch, and it is my moving on like an inchworm that we get to a better destination.

Whether it takes you a year or five, trust the process. Have faith that you are strong enough to come out of this a million times stronger. X

[Serenity]

Typing errors:

This was hard for me to swallow
Expecting perfection

[Hopesprings]

Dear Serenity,

Thanks so much for your reply. You’re so right about excepectibg perfection. I do it all the time and then feel massive disappointment when I obviously don’t achieve it. I’ve recognised this though and working on it. It’s a long process and I know that I will have dips and relapses.

I am feeling better all in all this week.

[Author]

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