Making progress

[Sad and alone]

Getting upset every day now. Sometimes it’ll be a little dig here and there and others it’s a full on argument that blows up out of nowhere.

Have had a massive row (detail removed by Moderator). Stemming from other people’s behaviour. We both agree that these other people are horrible but whenever anything happens he turns his anger on me and says he’s alone in trying to stand up to people etc. It’s a long story as usual, but it was the normal verbal abuse and criticisms. I am exhausted as you can’t win but can’t help trying to argue and defend myself. The worst thing is he makes me so mad, winding me up, I can end up shouting too. He’s started saying he doesn’t know how he’s mentally still stable having to put up with everything, how it’s making him ill. He’s trouncing our whole life, fabricating it, makes me so sad. Makes me feel like I’ve wasted all these years with him. I don’t say that out loud, unlike him.

But progress of a sort. I said that was it, I was cancelling a visit from a relative. I can’t bear him being civil to them when I know how he slags them off all the time. It’s not fair. So this time I did it. And I said it was because things weren’t good here. No details but I feel like I’ve at least admitted to someone that things aren’t right. And I also cancelled a friend staying too. Maybe because we’ve only ever been message pals, and they don’t know my other half, this almost felt easier. But again I can’t have them come here and he put on a show of what a great person he is. I’m disappointed on both counts, it means I lose out, but at least I’ve kind of told someone, which I have always felt embarrassed about.

[tiredofitall]

Hi, hope you are doing ok. And well done for taking control – its small steps that will help you keep going. I can relate to the constant turning on you even when you are on their side. They get frustrated and angry and all of a sudden its your fault or you didn’t do enough or whatever! And I totally understand about the arguing back…its takes the patience of a saint to sit there and listen to accusations and lies without wanting to scream. Honestly, I didn’t recognise the person I had become when I was with him. I’m not an argumentative person usually and I’m generally pretty easy going and relaxed but somehow he made me so frustrated that I couldn’t help it.

The reality here though is that since we’ve split, I haven’t been that person at all. There have been hard times and stressful times and never once have I behaved the way that I did when I was with him. It tells you something doesn’t it?

I think he must have enjoyed the drama, the arguments, spinning things and watching me break – like he kept pushing buttons until he had found one that pushed me to react and then he would stand back and be like, look at you – no wonder I’m so unhappy! The injustice of it all!

I stopped taking him to family dinners with me. He always caused an agrument before we left so I was on eggshells for the whole thing so during the last few years, I just went on my own with the kids. I just started to take control and live my own life because he just brought drama to it. Just make sure that you keep seeing your friends and keep that support and if you can share with people you trust – just a bit – that will really help too. I had one friend who I told some things to (not all of them) but her unwavering support kind of shone a light on what was happening and slowly helped me build the strenght to do something. That took a long time but it was so worth it.

Sending hugs x

[sweet4]

Yea you are right.Tire, i think they get off on everything they do to us, i remember, i was dealing with an electricity company, for a year, and it really affected me, do you know what he said, its a buzz, its a b****y, buzz, and i was struggling, lovely husband. xx

[Sad and alone]

Yes I think you’re right @tiredofitall. I know during arguments he’ll refer to me as being like people I don’t like because he knows he’ll get a rise out of me. And I say stop trying to push my buttons. They know and do it on purpose. I think they try to make you angry and lose control so they can say there’s something wrong with you, or you’re the one with the problem. Like you I am truly a laid back person. I don’t do confrontation and can’t stand arguments. I’m not interested in it. I hate it when I get pushed and I’m yelling or throwing something. It’s not me.

More arguments this morning. I don’t even know what they’re about any more. I try and talk normally and rationally to begin with but he just keeps on and on and if he knows I’ve said something true he’ll start talking about something else. He broke a picture and cut himself. We were meant to be going somewhere and I said I wasn’t going as didn’t want to be stuck in a vehicle with him but then backtracked as I felt bad about him cutting himself and at how I had yelled and got so so mad. It’s not me. So we went. But I can’t handle the flip flopping.

Later he made reference to a plan I had and I said I had cancelled it. He said was I joking and I said no and that I’d told him I was cancelling that and people coming. He said I must be joking and when I said I wasn’t he said he couldn’t believe I’d done it. How I was messing people around and it was wrong. I said I don’t know what we’re doing, I don’t want commitments at the moment. I don’t want to put on this image of being happy when I’m not. He said it would’ve been a good distraction for me and how I never see anyone. He said he couldn’t believe I’d cancelled people coming. Makes me think I’ve done the wrong thing and made a rash decision. That I’ve told people I’m struggling with our relationship and I shouldn’t have. Like I’ve betrayed us.

[Sad and alone]

So since this we hit an impasse again. He kept saying I was cutting off my nose to spite my face, cancelling things I had to look forward to. Really didn’t understand my logic behind it. So what did I do? I went back on the cancelling and rebooked the event I hold that I’d called off and my relative is still coming to stay. My friend isn’t as they rebooked somewhere else for a break instead but they have been quite supportive of how I’m feeling.
So things are plodding along. We have joint work I can’t sack off so have had to pull together but that is coming to an end now.
My relative arrives today and he’s just come into the house and I’ve got the feeling he’s peed off about something. I hate this as I don’t know what I’ve done. Could be anything I have or haven’t done or said. I don’t know. But hate that heavy feeling. I said was he alright and he said yes but you know what it’s like. I’m worried things are going to be uncomfortable. He keeps telling me he’s making an effort and has given me cuddles and things but tbh things just don’t feel right. I said to him when he said about making an effort that it wouldn’t be genuine, I didn’t want someone who had to make an effort to be nice or put up with me. It shouldn’t be hard work to be with me. And he said what was he meant to do then, how was anything meant to get better. I really don’t know. I feel zero incline to be physical with him. If all that’s gone then I’m flogging a dead horse really. I keep thinking too much has happened. And I know something will happen again.
I just hope this visit goes okay. He insults my relative a lot, although he says he doesn’t mind them. That makes me feel uncomfortable too. But hopefully things will be alright.

[Author]

Posts