Making sense of it all

[Everhopeful321]

Hi, I’ve been reading posts on here for a few months now, trying to make some sense of what is happening in my life. I’ve been with my husband for most of my adult life, we have 4 children. We live on a farm, a business that we’ve built up not inherited. From the outside I think it probably looks like a good life, ‘hard work but lovely place to live’ but the reality of it all is completely overwhelming me.

I see now that my husband has always been controlling, from not wanting me to go out with friends when we were younger, to using guilt as a way of getting his way. This seems to have escalated over recent years, he will quickly alternate between being in a good mood to being so angry I’m frightened of him. The feeling of walking on eggshells women talk about on here feels like my constant state, an anxious nagging feeling that doesn’t go away. The last few years the voice in my head has seemed to always be just try harder, do more then he won’t have anything to, be cross about, any extra stress but I physically and mentally feel like i can’t do it anymore.

A few months ago, I left – I took the children and went to (removed by moderator). She knows my situation and I think has done for longer than I have admitted it to myself. My husband was absolutely in bits, crying, I agreed to talk to him (removed by moderator). I prepared myself with all the things that make me unhappy, the way he has isolated me from friends and family, the inequality in our relationship, the constant fear of mood changes and me getting something wrong, but when we talked, he knew them all! He brought them all up, apologising for all of them, promising he could change. I went back.

Months on and things are no better. I am more isolated than ever and he is beyond paranoid about me talking to my mum or sister in case I’m planning something. He has huge anxiety over what people know, what people think and this makes him angry at me I suppose for bringing it into the open. He is starting to display the controlling behaviour towards our eldest daughter and it breaks my heart because I can see that she and the next oldest are aware of how things are.

I need to leave I think for myself but mostly for my children, I don’t want them to grow up thinking this is a normal relationship. But I can’t! I want so much for my husband to see that he has a family and life that he always said he wanted, that all he needs to do is treat people as he would like to be treated. He blames Hus behaviour on his (removed by moderator), says he would end his life if I left him again. Reading these boards has shown me that this is typical abusive behaviour, so why can’t I accept it as that and just go?

Any help would be really very much appreciated x

[Bananaboat]

Firstly welcome and well done for posting. Life with someone with these characteristics is so tough on the mind. Biggest lesson I think I’ve learnt is that no matter how hard I try he won’t change. So the question becomes is this a life you want for you and your children longterm. Researching and learning about abuse has really helped, especially with my kids as I now see so much other behaviour that falls into abuse which I’d excused. You’ve probably seen some of the sources ppl recommend on here, Lundy Bancroft, pat craven, dr Ramani on YouTube, research trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance too. His threats and action are his choice and shouldn’t stop you making decisions for you. xx

[ISOPeace]

Hi there, I’m sorry to hear you’ve been living with all this. Everything you describe is textbook abuse, including the promises to change, which are completely empty. If you read up on abuse (Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft is really good) you’ll see that everything is about control. He does whatever he needs to do to get you back in control. The time you left, it was ‘make you feel sorry for him and convince you he’s going to change’. The next time it could be the same or maybe he’ll decide to threaten you or threaten to hurt himself.

His parents splitting up didn’t make him abusive. It sounds like he’s trying to make you feel sorry for him. Plenty of people have divorced parents but don’t do on to be abusive. Abuse happens when is someone believes they have the right to control another person and they are entitled to have their needs met above the other person’s.

You’re stuck because to keep you under control, abusers make you feel like leaving would be most threatening to your survival (look up trauma bonding). And he will probably try to make it risky for you to leave (which is why you do it without him knowing and make sure you go somewhere safe). But I think of staying/leaving like this: as long as you stay, you drink a drop of poison every day. It will make you more and more ill, as the abuse destroys your mental/emotional wellbeing. If you leave, it will feel like a slap in the face, because you have to go against the part of you that believes it’s too risky to leave. But once you’ve left, you can finally start healing from all that poison.

We’ve all felt too scared to leave. It’s a normal part of the process. Educating yourself about abuse will help and reaching out for support on here and Women’s Aid. Sending love xxxx

[Everhopeful321]

Thank you, I really can’t tell you how much it helps to hear these words. I’m starting to feel like I’m going mad, like it’s all in my head and I’m only picking out the negative but the truth is, any ‘good day’ feels false and like it could be shattered at any moment. We’re so isolated here, no neighbours nearby so when angry, he can shout as much as he wants, no one would know – other than of course our children. It’s a horrible environment, I can see this, I just need to convince myself that I’m not responsible for him and his behaviour but I am responsible for our children growing up feeling safe. It sounds crazy but I can’t bear the thought of him being on his own – yet I’m here and feel so lonely but he is not in the least bit bothered about that. Thanks again for all advice, I’m hoping the more I read, learn and listen the clearer things will be for me.

[Author]

Posts