making sense of things

[blue eyes]

I just wanted to share this with you all. I was in a relationship that lasted for about (detail removed by moderator). Throughout, it was often very difficult because his mother constantly interfered and manipulated him. He was abusive sporadically making me very confused as I never knew where I stood with him . All the usual pd behaviours, although throughout I was fogged and convinced it was me and I was somehow to blame. I tried constantly but was never really accepted and they made me think I was crazy and not good enough. I always felt as if I was on the edge of a puzzle that I was trying to figure out. When he was with me, he was ok sometimes but after spending time with his mother he would be horrible to me. I never felt comfortable with her as she would make passive aggressive remarks and nasty comments about me to my face and was constantly poisoning everyone’s mind against me. Eventually I started to see that it wasn’t me as evidenced by his treatment of my little dog and her treatment of her grandson’s girlfriend and her behaviour after her husband died. Her husband and one of the brother’s in law were actually very nice to me and they did try to say things on one or two occasions. Her husband fil never used to involve himself with the family and kept upstairs. He did not visit either of my ex’s (detail removed by moderator) sisters. The rest of the family used to call him names, but it seemed to me he was actually the nice one not them. I hardly ever used to visit mil or fil because of her treatment of me and I regret not spending more time with fil. The (detail removed by moderator) sisters, we only used to visit once or twice per year. One sister was married had (detail removed by moderator) daughters and about (detail removed by moderator) grandchildren. They were always very nice to me when I visited but I was aware there were secrets and a lot of things did not make sense sometimes. I thought perhaps they were a bit dodgy maybe. However, after fil died, I spent the day with them, mil and my ex visiting some local tourist attractions. I was trying to be nice trying to make an effort. I was shocked by their behaviour. I was used to mil being horrible, but I had never experienced them being horrid too. Their behaviour was dreadful treating complete strangers terribly having unprovoked arguments with people. It was obvious that they didn’t want me there. His sister’s husband started laying into me being absolutely vile having digs at me with the mil joining in. My ex said nothing at all. Some of the things they said made it obvious my ex had been bad mouthing me too. They left me alone in a place and all went (detail removed by moderator). This was the last straw. We split up (detail removed by moderator) later. Gradually with time and distance I realised it wasn’t me.
Fast forward to (detail removed by moderator). I idly was looking on the local paper website about the virus and there on the front page was the sister’s husband who had been so vile to me and (detail removed by moderator). They and (detail removed by moderator) had been found guilty of conspiracy to supply (detail removed by moderator) drugs. They had been adding things like (detail removed by moderator) to what they supplied. There were (detail removed by moderator) of them involved. It was a weird feeling like vindication and also horror that I did not know any of this all that time. They had weapons had been involved in smuggling, prostitution and had had various businesses. One of the (detail removed by moderator) was also connected to various thefts and assaults and money laundering. I was so shocked and stunned but a lot of things made sense. It’s ironic that I was the one who wasn’t good enough according to the mil. I guess what I am trying to say is trust your instincts. For years I doubted myself. My ex essentially lied to me for years keeping all that from me. That’s a bizarre feeling.
It’s made me realise why I reacted so violently to the set up with my second ex and his friends. I was triggered, subconsciously I must have realised the similarities. It’s taken me (detail removed by moderator) to solve the puzzle. However, despite knowing all this I still love and miss both my exes. When I realise that I feel depressed and confused and wonder what is wrong with me that I miss them.

 

 

[Lisa]

Hi blue eyes,

Thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry you experienced this from them. Please believe there is nothing wrong with you- it is natural to feel different emotions after abusive relationships including feelings of missing and loving people you did not think you would.

Keep posting to us when you can, it can really help to offload thoughts and feelings on here to others who understand.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

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