Man at work messaging me

[itwillbeokay]

I started a new job a month ago and I love it immensely, I’m absolutely thriving because of it. A man who works there has made it clear he likes me and has asked me out. He was using the work instant messaging system then he gave me his number for something for work and I texted him about work so he now has my mobile number. He seems nice enough but I am not ready, not interested in that way I don’t think but am just not thinking along those lines at all plus I am at full capacity in life and quite happy focusing on my children and our new life and recovery from all this. I am very friendly and open so I think he has taken this as a green light. He asked if I had WhatsApp and I said yes because I didn’t want it to be awkward and I do have it but now he’s messaging morning and evenings things like what he’s doing and just off to bed nighty night and how yummy I look. All far too familiar for me and I don’t see the point in it or in going on a date. Also, I’ve only been there a month, I would feel a bit weird going out with someone from work unless I had fully got to know them over a long period of time. I just don’t know how to play this now without seeming a bit messed up (he knows I am separated this year) and making things awkward when he seems funny and light hearted but he’s just got too much too quickly for me and I’m not looking for anything I don’t think.

Help ladies. I feel a bit bad and I love my job and don’t want it to be spoiled xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi itwillbeokay, well done on the new job, what a confidence boost😀
You’re quite right to feel skittish. Hes seen something he likes and hes pursuing it. I feel like running for the hills and I’m just reading your post😏 men definately mistake friendly and open as a green light. 😞 could you approach it by saying, im only just in the door, its lovely that you’ve made me feel so welcome, but im not wanting to date anyone yet. Or i dont mix work and my personal life. You could say since you’re newly separated that you’re spending the time making sure your kids are happy and adjusting to life without their dad, its the truth really but, you also dont really owe him any explanations either.
The texting is a big red flag to me. Its flattering that you know you’ve still got it, it just seems a bit full on. I suppose you could always block his number😏 Maybe it’s my age but dating nowadays is so different to when i first started. So much is done on SM, by texting, it seems to be the way in getting to know each other without actually dating. If he won’t accept your reasons for not wanting a relationship, if you feel badgered into going fir coffee, a drink(whatever he suggests)well its time to pull the big girls pants on and make clear your boundaries. I hate confrontation, i think survivors of abusive behaviour definately could do with assertive classes.
Maybe hes the works resident lothario and tries it on with all the newbies, maybe he really is a nice guy, but his full on behaviour texting wise is scary to me.
Go by your gut itwillbeokay, only you can hear what your inner self is saying you.
Best of luck and again many congratulations fir the new job
IWMB

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you for your helpful response, I really appreciate it. I don’t really know whether I’m just not ready to go out anywhere with anyone, whether I will ever feel okay to do that or whether I’m not interested in him. I couldn’t tell you if I even find him attractive, I just don’t seem to know these days. I was in love with my husband for a very long time. My life is better now but I still have great sadness over my husband and worry for his well being although I block it out. Sort of.

I think I was flattered at first, maybe enjoyed the attention. But the messages have got too regular and too much, I’m cringing now. Cutesy words and telling me what he’s doing of an evening, pictures of his dinner etc. It’s too much and it’s making me back off even being friends which I was fine with.

Xx

[Iwantmeback]

I totally get that. Its like even though you had to leave your husband, due to how long you were with him and that you still love him even after what he did, being with someone could maybe be like cheating? I know i won’t be with anyone else, I’ll be the stereotypical cat woman😃 i don’t hate men but i cant trust them not to be nasty. Who knows never say never!
It really sounds as if you’re not ready by the way,plus i think if there is no initial attraction there, there won’t be one later on.
Allow the sadness to pass,at the end of the day you’re grieving the loss of a best friend and future life promised together, even though they were never real in the first place. Life with an abuser is so mixed up. Take time to heal. Remember we dont need a man in our lives, but it’s nice to share our life with them, but let it be on your terms, next time.
Appreciate the peace and quiet and getting to know your children again, time really waits for no-one.
Blessing to you
IWMB💕💕.

[itwillbeokay]

What a lovely lovely helpful insightful message.

I’m going to read it again. Thank you. X*x

PS I’m scared too, that they’ll turn! I feel very damaged on the relationship with a man front.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi itwillbeokay,

I agree with Iwantmeback and would also add I got a lot of red flags from reading your post. I think it’s all to do with boundaries. When we’ve experienced abuse, we have no boundaries because abusers break them down, usually by making us feel guilty for having boundaries, which are healthy and normal.

So it tends to mean when we interact with others we have weak or no boundaries so other abusers and boundary violators pick that up and push them down and we easily get into these awkward situations. It happens to me a lot. I have twice given my number to men I met in networking environments because they said they could get me work in my field and both times they started texting me saying I looked like some celebrity or other and asking me out on multiple dates. I felt really uncomfortable and annoyed too because I genuinely want work in this sector and it hadn’t occurred to me they wanted my number for another reason. I had to block one of them and tell the other one I was flat out not interested and he left me alone.

If you re-read your first post you can see that he has easily pushed down several of your boundaries ie. first using the work messaging system, then tricking you into texting him ‘about work’ and then getting you to give him your WhatsApp. In the end you are the boundary keeper and it’s up to you to maintain your boundaries. The key is realising that you are fully entitled to any boundary you want and you don’t owe anyone anything! So there is never any reason to feel guilty (and someone guilt tripping you is always a red flag anyway).

I like what iwillbeokay about telling him you’re not looking to date anyone. Be firm and clear and don’t feel guilty. Then put a stop to the weird messages because it could get super awkward fast if he’s already texting you pictures of his dinner etc. Put yourself first, it is your exciting new job and he has no right to get in the way. I think a genuinely good man would want to get to know you slowly to see if you were a good match, he wouldn’t be pushing boundaries like this and acting unprofessional especially after you’ve only been there a month.

Let us know what you decide to do and how it goes! I am just learning this stuff myself. I’m reading a book called Boundaries after a Pathological Relationship which is good so maybe look into that too.

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you so much, another really helpful post to wake up to. Massively appreciate it. It’s all got far too much too quickly and I feel like now I’m avoiding WhatsApp when I’ve just been through months of avoiding things due to messages from my husband! I feel like I have to reply so I don’t offend him but it’s way too much and too personal and too friendly and I just feel ick.

Sigh.

I’ll look into the book too. Xx

[Flowerchild]

Hi, OK, you didn’t need this, did you!

I’d suggest you have a look at your work place’s policy on harassment and check out who you woukd report to. That’s so you can tackle this confidently from a position of knowledge.

This man has overstepped the mark. Calling you ‘yummy’ is really inappropriate and suggests he sees women as consumables, not people!

The relationship between you needs to get back on a professional level pronto, doesn’t it? It’s likely he does this sort of thing routinely; you won’t be the first or only one.

You could ignore it but that probably won’t work. It might be worth trying to put him straight yourself to see if he can take the hint before you think about reporting, especially as you’re so new in the job.

Why not text him something like, “Dear X, when I used my personal mobile to message you, I intended it just for work purposes. I would prefer you to use work contacts only in future and keep all communication professional. Thank you. ” You certainly don’t need to give reasons you’re not ready for a relationship etc: that’s none of his business. Never apologise, never explain, in this sort of situation!

If it doesn’t stop him, you could block him from your phone or warn him you’ll report it as harassment or both. You have a right to work unworried by this sort of thing.

Don’t delete anything he’s sent, by the way, in case you need it as evidence later. I hope he’s wise and professional enough to take the hint. For all you know, he may already have been reported for this sort of behaviour and he could even be on a final warning!

Good luck – tell us how you get on!

Flower x

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you again so much everyone. Had more messages at work and then he asked me out again on the work IM system so I said what was said above about you seem really nice, you’ve made me very welcome but I only want to be friends. He was fine about it and I went to his office to see him face to face aswell to try and ensure any awkwardness was fully removed as I really don’t want that somewhere where I’m enjoying being. It was fine, he was fine, I said to him the answer to anyone would be the same etc. So I feel good about that as totally out of my comfort zone but got to be done. Boundaries!

Missed my husband last night and felt sad and guilty as per usual. But on the flip side our lives are better. Such a brain ache constantly.

xx

[Iwantmeback]

That is such good news. We get carried away with so many scenarios in our heads. The mind will always play the worst case scenario to us, you have been A.M.A.Z.I.N.G as Craig from Strictly would say😉.
Now you can enjoy your job without feeling anxious, but you have also taught this man an important lesson too.
I’m actually smiling here cos i know how hard that was for you.
Well done
IWMB 💕💕

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