Manipulative – is it abuse?

[everythingwillworkout]

Hi everyone,

After leaving my very abusive ex, who would say hurtful and unkind things. I was vulnerable and started ‘dating’ a guy who seemed a really sweet and nice guy. To me, he was nice, like he was kind and gentle. But, he did manipulate ALOT. Like I told him I never wanted to be in a relationship and after a couple of weeks he took me out for dinner, and then after we went back to his and were spending some time kissing, he then asked me to be his girlfriend and I felt kind of pressurised based on the situation. Throughout our relationship he’d always say things like “I’ve never been in a happier relationship”, “Have you ever been dumped? I’ve never been dumped. It would feel awful to be dumped wouldn’t it?” and he’d make sarcastic jokes and put downs when we were in front of other people, one time saying something really humiliating. When I tried to break up with him because of the put downs, he said that he didn’t know what I was talking about and that he didn’t put me down. Then i was convinced it was my problem just because I had been absued before, I felt like I was taking him too sensitively. He insisted he didn’t. But after that he stopped the put downs and sarcasm in front of other people for a few weeks – so HE MUST have known what he was doing and saying. He also never expressed much affection or told me he loved me or anything, I felt really unloved and neglected, yet he was still pressurising me to stay with him through manipulations.

I felt like he pressured me into being with him, manipulated and guilt tripped me throughout our whole relationship so I wouldn’t leave. Yet he also just seemed so nice and passive and that’s what makes me feel like it’s not really abuse and that I’m just making it up to make myself feel better for what I feel like I did.

On to what I feel like I did. I became friends with a guy when we were together, I said that I wanted to go out of coffee and be friends with this guy and my partner was ok with it. We would talk every now and again but nothing deep or serious.

My manipulative ex went away on some travels. Before he went away, we broke up. I said I would be dating other people/asked if it was ok and he said, “You can but I’d be totally gutted if you did.” Which is like emotionally pressurising me not to. My ex was away from a few months, I became better friends with this other guy – I didn’t meet up with him but we’d just text message really, which was just banters and low key. As I got on well with this guy, I thought that maybe I might like to date him the future. However, I didn’t hang out one on one with him, flirt with him at all or share anything intimate or personal because I wanted to put that barrier there while my ex was away. While my ex was away. we never even spoke at all, but he says he still saw us as ‘together’ and that I was his longest and happiest relationship. While my ex was away, I told him that I didn’t want a relationship when he got back.

However, my ex came back  (detail removed by moderator) and then I felt like trapped and emotionally pressured based on the situation. And we kind of went back to seeing each other  (detail removed by moderator) because I felt so so so guilty about wanting to break up with him and didn’t want to hurt his feelings – based on what he was saying to me. I felt really trapped, I felt so, so guilty that I might hurt his feelings by breaking up with him, I would say I needed to talk to him and he would tell me that I was being (detail removed by moderator).

During those (detail removed by moderator), I was still texting my friend who I thought i maybe could have dated. There was nothing flirtatious or anything and it wasn’t intimate again. I had put a wall up so no romantic feelings would develop, we were just talking in a friendly way. It was really fun to talk to him and we got on great – so in hindsight, maybe there was some chemistry there or maybe I liked him or something. I feel really sad like maybe that means I did fancy him and then I feel like I am this awful emotional cheater. In the last  (detail removed by moderator) of my ‘seeing’ the manipulative guy, my friend told me that he went on a couple of dates with a girl but that she wasn’t interested, and I felt a bit awkward and then I realised that maybe I must have liked him, so I went to properly break off with the manipulative guy – which I was trying to do anyway but just felt so guilty for wanting to leave. I don’t know if my friendship means I cheated, all I do is beat myself up about it and feel like I’m an awful ‘cheater’. My friend who understands abuse says I didn’t ‘do anything’ wrong and that being with an abuser causes us neglect. But I still feel really awful.

After I broke up with him, he sent me loads of love letters and got upset with me for not wanting to ‘be his friend’ – saying that if he never contacted me then I’d probably never speak to him again and asking to take me out to dinner – when I said I didn’t want to be together.

He also once said that if you heard that someone had been raped then even though it wasn’t their fault, you’d look at the differently. I experienced CSA as a kid and felt like he was talking about me and he knew that there had been sexual abuse with my step dad – so he said that knowing that. When I bought it up, he said “I don’t remember saying that – not saying you are lying or anything.”

I just found an old ‘love letter’ (bleh) he sent me after we broke up. (Detail removed by moderator).

Apart from all of this stuff, he was pretty gentle and nice – like he never got angry (apart from once) so I just feel sad like I am the bad one for potentially ’emotionally cheating’ and that he is the super nice guy everyone thinks he is and that I was wrong for leaving, like I felt during our whole relationship.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading – is this abuse? Or am I just talking myself into it/crazy?

[freedomtochoose]

it sounds like abuse;
If it weren’t you wouldn’t be investing shed loads of words on it.
or posting here.
You would just feel at peace and happy.

Please get rid of him
x

[KIP.]

Google Gaslighting. Also, abusers trap us with fear, Obligation and Guilt. It’s the FOG of abuse. It sounds like he was using all these abusers tools. You did nothing wrong. You should never be with someone for these reasons. You are perfectly entitled to choose who you have in your life. That’s everybodys basic right.

[everythingwillworkout]

Thanks so much guys. It’s still hard to convince myself it’s abuse and to not feel terribly guilty, both for my friendship with the other guy and because he seemed like such a nice guy. I thought abusers were only the more obvious kind, like my ex before that. Thanks so much for your replies x

[Anonymous]

This is the cognitive dissonance that we have become immersed in and it’s very difficult to move past it. This is where your head or your gut is telling you something is wrong but your heart tells you a different story. I in ignored my gut for far too long. Please don’t ignore yours.

[everythingwillworkout]

thanks BaggyTrousers, I have blocked him on all channels of communication now, I just wish I could move past feeling like the bad one :(.

[KIP.]

I think all the proof you need is that you’re on a site for victims of domestic abuse. I’m sure it wouldn’t have occurred to you to come on here if your gut was wrong. Trust your gut when it comes to abusers,

[everythingwillworkout]

Thanks KIP, I think our unconscious mind knows what our unconscious cannot always put together. Thanks for recommending gas lighting, I realised that nice guy talk and acting like mr kind and caring is part of the gas lighting process reading over it.

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