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My ex told so often used me as people might use a car or a washing up bowl. We don’t climb into our car and ask it if it would like to go for a little drive or ask our washing up bowl if it minds being filled up with soapy water and dirty plates.
My ex assumed that when he had an erection it was his entitlement to shove it in me. The last time he did this and I was furious he explained that it was ‘his way of showing affection’ and that ‘I was his wife’. I remember the filthy rows about my being used as a ‘thing’ or a sex toy. No intimacy. Just him, his penis and my vagina. It caused so many problems and I knew that were I to say anything he would have a rage. I was afraid of him. It was a terrible way to wake up having sex done at me.
I didn’t have our bedroom rigged out with cameras and he wasn’t holding a knife to my throat. The police interviewed him for rape but couldn’t take anything further due to lack of evidence.
Is the law against marital rape a waste of paper? Or is it only for people who are battered and bruised?
There were so many red flags at the beginning of our relationship right from the first time we had sex and I thought it felt odd and nothing I had experienced before. On reflection I feel I should have listened to myself more carefully and used my experience better. What was odd about it from the very beginning is that he was doing sex at me using me as a masterbatory tool and I didn’t see it.
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Hi Maddog
You wrote “his way of showing affection” my blood ran cold. I used to hear that a lot. Affection isn’t unwelcome sex, to me it’s a more gentle thing and doesn’t have to involve either penis or vagina.
I had years of the “cattle prod” at 6am and it drove me nuts. Men’s morning erections are lime yawns they need stifling!
Evidence of marital rape is difficult unless there’s physical evidence of the kind seen in rape cases it’s our word against theirs and we all know how manipulative they can be.
I hadn’t actually considered rape as part of my abuse until I talked to the police, they asked questions I answered they told me they felt I’d been repeatedly raped as well as all tbe other stuff he’d done to me. I didn’t have the guts to go down any police route at the time, even though they felt I had a strong case. Do I regret my decision? Yes and no. Yes as I could have possibly “got him” for his actions and No because he’d have simply escalated his behaviour towards me and other family members include g our daughter who was in a pretty bad way mentally at that time. What I do regret is not having phobed tbe police when he assaulted our daughter, hitting her around the head and putting his hands round her throat. Neither she nor I were brave enough then and there was clear physical evidence then, whereas there wasn’t with the sexual assaults.
Hindsight is a great thing it’s just a shame we can’t predict the future, our early relationship had so many red flags too. If I’d heard of live bombing at that stage he’d have been out of my life years and years ago. There’s no point headi g ourselves up over things we can’t change we can just be aware for ourselves in any future relationships (which is highly unlikely in my case as my levels of trust are still rock bottom and have not shifted!) and heighten awareness whenever there’s an opportunity.
Take care x*x -
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Is it considered to be rape even within a relationship? I’m very confused. But I know that a lot of the things that you both describe happened and happened a lot and I always felt dirty and a bit violated afterwards, it never occurred to me to label it as rape. He had such weird ideas about consent (and lectured me on it quite a lot). I never fought him off or told him to stop. It’s not that I didn’t want it to stop. There was no point saying no because he’d just sulk and whine or generally be unpleasant until he got what he wanted.
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Absolutely it is rape within a relationship. I didn’t label it as rape as I wanted to believe my ex and he said he wouldn’t ever rape me. Sadly consent is irrelevant when the other person is only a thing. Ah yes, the lectures. The being spoken at, not to or with.
It was the police who called it rape. I just told them what happened.
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Hi MD, I’m still struggling to name what my oh did to me was rape, but it most assuredly was. He thinks because we were married he’s entitled to have sex with me, touch me anywhere because ‘I’m his wife’. Even though i remember telling him i didn’t want to, then saying I was only doing it so he’d stop pestering me so i could get to sleep, even him saying but it’ll only take 5 minutes, even though i was begging him not to he still went ahead. It wasn’t rough sex but it was still against my wishes. Sex in the beginning was rougher than i was used to, but I did it a) to please him and b) because it made my body react and a such I thought I wanted it that way
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I struggled too, although even early on in our relationship I asked him if he’d ever raped anyone (I must have been thinking he’d raped me but I couldn’t believe he would). There were times when I thought he’d raped me and there were other times when I thought he had the reasoning power of a paedophile.
He closed every conversation about rape by saying he’d never do anything like that and then he’d sulk.
I still find it hard to accept that I married a rapist. It’s what he is. It’s what he does. It’s why sex was always a bit strange and I couldn’t put my finger on what was going on. So many red flags.
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The cps have to prove beyond doubt that these things happened, and as you say, it’s his word against mine. There’s no ‘proof’ that a court could accept unless there’s marks of violence etc. that clearly indicate it. On a logical, objective platform I can understand why they can’t pursue it. It’s unlikely to end up with a prosecution, and they have to justify the spending of taxpayers money.
I was comforted by the thought that although it won’t go through court, the record of it is now available through Claire’s Law, so I was glad I gave that interview, as hard as it was.
It was the same for me, that lightbulb moment when they are going through the abuse checklist questions and you can’t in all honesty say he hasn’t coerced you into sex.
It isn’t that they don’t believe us of course, it’s the burden of proof.
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I absolutely believe my ex did this to other women too. Now the fog has cleared and I can see straight I have no doubt he’s done it before. Abusing his position of trust. I pray one day other women will come forward and we can all hold him accountable through the courts together. If not, I’m happy I did my statement. He’s not my problem now.
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My oh too said he’d never rape me, never force himself on me, but he has. Just because he was cajoling, badgering he doesnt see it as forcing me, even though I told him I didn’t want to have sex with him, his needs superseded mine. Yes there were times he just rolled over and went to sleep, but he sulked like a baby and carried it through for days until I gave in. Just because there’s no violence involved, doesn’t mean it’s not rape. How many times have you distanced yourself, watched yourself from afar, thought, it won’t be long, he’ll be done soon. It sickens me to believe this is rape, but what else can we call it? Just because we ‘consented’ read that as gave in instead. Thinking on this subject doesn’t even make me angry, what is wrong with me that I don’t feel anything, I feel nothing about what he did to me. It’s like that part is shut away locked in a box.
IWMB 💞 -
I know my ex raped his former wife. I know he has groped women. Consent to him is irrelevant. Yes, it would be amazing if other women came forward. I think something has to trigger it though and for so many people rape gets locked in a box. It took me decades to report an historic rape. I only came forward because of triggers and I was no longer able to let it lie. There were so many times I remember just lying there and wondering if I could get up and leave as there seemed no reason for me to be there.
It’s not consent when we fear the alternative. The sulks, the rages, the silent treatment. The fact that their reality will always be the only reality allowed. Our experience diminished and nullified.
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