Marking time

[Everhopeful321]

It’s roughly (detail removed by Moderator) since I left, since I admitted to myself what was actually happening but as I only managed to stay away (detail removed by Moderator) it’s also (detail removed by Moderator) since I came back. And (detail removed by Moderator) on I don’t think things are any better, the promises and hopes of change have never come. What has come is even more control, I feel like I’m constantly watched, checked up on, not believed.But still I’m here. I don’t go because he tells me he behaves this way because he knows no other, because he’s insecure, that I can’t leave him again because he’ll be alone. But he does nothing to change his behaviour. He’s out tonight, for the first time in a long time but I still feel anxious, I don’t know what to do with myself, I feel like he’ll want to know what I’ve been doing so I’ll clean, do jobs. I feel like I just don’t know how to ‘be’ anymore, what I want, what the point of any of it is. How I would ever be happy if I did leave, knowing that it had made him unhappy – and I would know, I know he’d make sure of it which goes back again to him being the victim, the whole world against him. Sorry,all makes very little sense but it’s so hard to talk to anyone else.

[Watersprite]

Hi everhopeful I’m sorry to read how difficult things are for you and how you are being treated. Coercive control is domestic abuse and illegal. As for knowing no other way etc there is no excuse he had an opportunity to change after you left or to get help for himself and aactuallu change. But abusers don’t they tend to get worse. Did you know on average it takes women seven attempts to leave? Can you read up on trauma-bond (cover your tracks online) that was one of my light bulbs moments. We are all here for you and contact womens aid if you can x

[Managing111@]

I know exactly what your going through,I even looked for a flat for him made sure he had everything even paid for his addiction of drink Just so I could be reassured that he’d be ok because he had no one else but me I even carried on with a relationship with him while we lived apart so he wouldn’t be lonely like he was the victim.But for years he had been controlling me emotionally.I met someone else and finally moved away from him.But again he threatened to kill himself so worried I ended my new relationship and went back to him.We (detail removed by Moderator) as he loves me and promised to be a better man only for him to go back to his normal abusive self but this time it was worse he kicked and threatened to punch me he was arrested for domestic Abuse and I feel so hurt and angry with myself because I still love him but I will feel better one day.Good luck with everything x

[Everhopeful321]

Thank you for your replies and though it kind of helps to know you’re not the only one, I feel so much sadness that any of us are Inthis situation. it’s so hard when they tell you they know, they know it’s wrong that they behave this way, he says this and then is angry at himself for it (detail removed by Moderator) and then I’m there telling him he’s not, it’s just stress, circumstances, whatever. He believes the whole world is against him and now includes me in that, I’m hiding things from him, talking to people. He is paranoid about (detail removed by Moderator) so during these anxious/paranoid episodes often asks to see it. I always show him because I have nothing to hide but the other day I came to find that he’d logged in himself and gone through every folder and found (detail removed by Moderator) just as somewhere to offload – so now it looks like I do have something to hide but with no one to talk to I thought it would help. Then the level of mistrust just escalates. I’m too scared to Google things that I think might help me learn and understand in case he finds out.

[Bananaboat]

You worry about his happiness but who is worrying about yours? In a healthy relationship you’d support each other but here you’re all giving and he’s all taking.

Like you I felt sorry for mine, tried to help him with addictions, money, finding housing but all we are doing is enabling them. They are adults and can therefore source all this stuff themselves. You’re missing out on your life – for what?! Like you I couldn’t sit and relax, I had to clean or do something to justify time he wasn’t there and it’s exhausting.

If leaving and being free of this is what makes you happy, then work towards that guilt free x

[gettingtired]

I can relate to everything here. They make you feel like you can’t do anything in your spare time unless it’s what they want or just cleaning. I’m made to feel selfish for doing anything for myself. I’m even made to feel like I’m being selfish for cleaning if he’s decided he wants my attention again and wants me to stop cleaning! It’s mind-blowing dysfunction and control. You feel so caged in don’t you? It’s no wonder we lash out with reactive abuse. It’s so suffocating. They all seem to play victim as well and want a continuous pity party. Nothing is ever good enough and there’s always a problem. It’s exhausting isn’t it? Sorry to hear you’re in the situation you are xx

[Everhopeful321]

Being caged in and suffocating is exactly how I feel, and the playing the victim…! Today I’m finding myself worrying that he’s actually depressed and I’m being too hard on him (even though I’ve not voiced how frustrating I find the constant feeling sorry for himself) but he’s just so negative towards me, nothing is good enough basically because I can’t read his mind and consequently I’m not doing the things he thinks I should be doing?

[Anonymous]

You’ll never make an abuser happy they’re too much like a big bucket with holes in it, the only thing thats gonna happen is your anxiety is gonna go through the roof trying to make him feel more and more secure and watch your p’s and q’s with everything, I had one exactly the same checking all paperwork around me ordering me to strip to check me for marks, turning up unannounced to nights out with friends and my appointments, thinking he could read my mind should I think of an ex? it was so weird but I normalised it it’s only now I’m out I can see how bat p**p crazy it was! (don’t know bout you but I felt like I was in prison like a caged animal) if a man cant feel secure after all you’ve given him then he has a serious issue and his suffocating controlling ways are beyond unhealthy and will drive you away! we forget about us in all this cos we’re so focused on them what they want they need what they’ll do/feel, I know I’ve done it myself but it’s time to put focus back on you, your life, your happiness, it’s time to make it about you ❤️🧡💛

[Everhopeful321]

All rings true. I just don’t do anything, don’t ask to go anywhere with or without him, don’t arrange anything, and I fund myself discouraging the children from doing things because it’s easier. So then I tell myself things are fine, we’ve had a good week or a good day but it’s not true, it’s not a life it’s just existing

[Everhopeful321]

I feel like if I did arrange something, I know what his reaction would be, so then I would know that I was right, his behaviour is controlling – but I don’t, because I’m too scared, because I’m too pre-conditioned to make an excuse, to avoid any situation for someone to invite me to do something. But even then, I know his reaction to me going to do anything because it’s already been that way in the past so why do I need more proof, surely I have the justification for leaving already? But it’s always made out that it’s not him thats stopping me going anywhere it’s because of x,y,x it’s because I didn’t mention it earlier, it’s because whenever do anything together so why would you rather do something with someone else? It’s because he doesn’t feel safe when I’m not here, it’s because he can’t manage on his own, on and on and on

[longjourneylife]

They really know how to work us don’t they!
I’m starting to get a level of distance from him in my mind, I don’t feel him inside my head so much now, I get peaks of fear and then think, he may be acting like the king right now, but I wouldn’t swap places with him anyday. He’s living in his own messed up mind and I feel less and less sad for him , especially when I remember I nearly gave up on my own life directly because of him.

[Everhopeful321]

Maybe that’s what I need to try and get, distance from him in my mind. I need to look up trauma bonds and the FOG thing too but it’s so hard to have any time and to be sure he doesn’t find out. I don’t see how I’ll be able to leave and not come back while I feel so sorry for him. Why can’t I see it’s not just about him

[Anonymous]

Yeah there’s definitely fear obligation and guilt going on he’s got you really trained in his control and manipulation exactly as the ex I mentioned did, your still a bit in denial and cognitive dissonance is there also (it’s completely normal the ways your feeling) he’s manipulating you big time, but your understanding it “and” you’ve found terms which is a really good start, hope you keep posting to let us know how your getting on with things ❤️💖❤️

[Everhopeful321]

Thank you Auriel for your reply. I think at the moment it seems easier (?) to deny what’s happening – I still have the feeling of its all in my head, the thing of everyone has bad days, everyone deals with things differently, am I just picking out the worst points. I don’t know how to get past that. The small steps approach I suppose but I’m just finding it overwhelming at the moment and am scared that by opening up, looking at it all more, I’ll have to confront it. I was brave enough (or completely at my wit’s end enough) to leave that first time but came back so quickly and now find it even harder to see a way out

[Anonymous]

You felt the need leave once so there’s clearly an issue, be really honest with yourself, how your feeling and what you want, excusing their controlling behaviour is what keeps us stuck, depressed, confused and unhappy, if his behaviour is regular and a pattern then that’s a problem, we make excuses for them to understand them cos we think we should in the relationship but it just allows them to just keep behaving the way they do, we need to see, we need to be aware so we can make choices that better suit ourselves and make ourselves happier for a life we deserve (that you deserve also) 😙💗🤗

[Author]

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