Massive step back

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi, the last time I posted on here I was getting stronger and I had told my husband I couldn’t do this anymore, I had told him I had had enough. He was even sleeping downstairs,I was even thinking by Christmas the shouting, name calling, bullying etc would be over. I had even tried preparing myself for the nightmare of him refusing to leave and what he would do, but I knew I had to do it, I couldn’t bear the thought of living like this for the rest of my life.
Then sadly his (detail removed by Moderator) passed away and I couldn’t go through with it. I even let him back into our bed, (detail removed by Moderator). I couldn’t lay in bed listening to him crying on his own downstairs. I just couldn’t go through with my plans while he was grieving.

This is going to sound awful, like I’m the biggest b***h, but it’s like it was perfect timing for my husband.
I’ve been there for him, helped with the funeral arrangements, stayed at his mums with him and pretended like everything was ok with us (like ive done for so many years now) thd boundaries were coming down, like everything I had said, before his (detail removed by Moderator) died, he has now ignored. He is back to talking about what have I planned for his (detail removed by Moderator) birthday, he sleeps in our bed every night, then gets angry because I keep moving away from him. Complains that I don’t do anything for him anymore and that other wife’s do things for their husbands. I did breakdown crying when he said that and said those husbands probably don’t treat there wife’s like he does. He just shouted saying I’ve got to stop living in the past and he’s not as bad as he use to be.
It took so much of my mental energy last time to get that close to this ending, that I’m struggling to find the strength again.
Hence the reason I’m posting again ladies, I’m back to this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and sadness 😔 I just needed to get my thoughts out of my head this morning before he gets up.
Sorry for going on, I feel this is my safe place for my thoughts x

[Lottieblue]

Oh my gosh, LTLA, what a time you’ve had – I’m so very sorry. I can completely understand why you are feeling as hopeless as you are – you were in such a strong position and then – although it was completely outwith his power – he managed to take control again.

You have proved to yourself that you can do it, and you have to hold on tight to that knowledge. You will get there again.
What I really strongly recommend is that you speak to your GP and to your local Womens Aid. The speaking alone will help you to get things straight, and they will give you strength and help you to figure out a plan.

I had a huge fear that exactly the same thing would happen to me before I’d had a chance to leave because I knew it would make things very, very difficult. But in fact it didn’t. It has now, but I managed to escape beforehand.

You will get there, but I think you need to reach out for a lot of support to get you back on track. We’re all here for you x*x

[Learntoliveagain]

Morning Lottieblue,
Thank you for your message and support. It is always encouraging to hear that someone has managed to find strength to escape marriage after going through a similar experience. It must of been hard, but I imagine it must be so good to just be able to be yourself and live again without walking on eggshells ever day. Everyday I find myself daydreaming of a happier future without one form or another of abuse.
I’m going to take your advice and see if I can get an appointment with my GP. I dont have an support, I’ve spoken to someone on live chat at Womens Aid, but I don’t have a someone I can contact.
Thank you again x

[Hereforhelp]

He is using a death to manipulate his way back in, which is a very low but predictable behaviour from an abuser. My husband would accuse me of bringing up the past (I am talking about his abusive behaviours), he wanted to draw a line and move on! You can’t with an abuser as they use whatever thry can to manipulate and get their needs met.
Have you spoken to him a out how you are not back in his life, you supported him during a bad time (as you are a kind, decent, caring human being) and he is using that to his advantage.
If you want him to leave could you get an order in place to remove him from the property? As for him expecting you to celebrate his birthday (very typical abusive behaviour, mine also did this on his burthday) you have every right to say no to him and for him to sort his own birthday out. You did it before, you put in boundaries, you can do it again, do you have a support worker? Could you email your Citizens Advice Bureau for help/support? Or you local womans aid?
Reach out for us much support as you can, keep posting on here.. you are not alone a day most definitely not a b***h, your husband has used a sad situation to get back with you without you agreeing, he is the problem not you ❤

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi Hereforhelp,
Thank you for replying, at the moment I need all the support I can get. It never stops surprising me, when I here that someone’s husband/partner says exactly the same as mine and uses the same manipulating tactics. For so many years you just think it’s your husband that says and does those things, when in fact all the women on here have the exact same things said/done to them.

I have tried telling him I still feel the same way as I did before his dad died. He then excused me of just pretending to care and that he thought things between us was ok again now. God knows how he thinks that as his behaviour hasn’t changed…..
So tired of having to keep going though the same c**p everyday.
I dont have a support worker, I’ll have to see how I can get one.
Thank you again for your support (for everyone’s support on here) it really does make you feel you’re not alone x

[Hereforhelp]

Because your husband takes no responsibility and has no desire to change his abuse will continue. You supported him through a very tough time, even though you were ready at that point to leave… nothing has changed except he has had a loss, you supported him and now he has decided that that means you.arw back together… I advise you to get hold of your local womans aid, his abuse.will not stop, he will use anything to make himself sound like a victim (they all do this)… baby steps, reassert boundaries if you feel you can and maybe speak to your GP as this is very tough on your mental health ❤️ HFH

[Bambe]

I can relate to your post so much. I too found the strength to stand up for myself to say Im not being treated this way anymore, unfortunately we have a holiday planned with young children who are so excited so things have had to be put on hold until after the holiday. He knows I want to divorce and once I’ve figured finances out I will do so. But he is telling me about his feelings, how I still need to do more and that all the blame is on him I just need to admit I’ve been emotionally neglecting him.

He will tell me everything he thinks I want to hear and then when I’m not reciprocating it back it’s all blame back on me. It’s changed so often within (detail removed by Moderator) weeks. Im about to go away for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks with him also his controlling (detail removed by Moderator)!

He still seems to think he is the decision maker and him only. And that I have to fulfil his needs and knows im scared to speak up cause of these (detail removed by Moderator) weeks I have to spend with him.

I wish I could help you, you aren’t alone.

Stay strong and find your voice. I keep telling myself the same thing.

Keep posting, it’s great for your own mind and others- just to know we aren’t alone.

X*x

[Learntoliveagain]

Morning Babme,
Thank you for replying. I’m so sorry you’re going through the same and that you feel you have to just go along with things to make sure you give your children a lovely holiday. It hurts knowing that they know how you’re feeling but they just don’t care as long as they get their own way.
You’re so right they do think they are the decision makers and the marriage isn’t over unless they say so. Unfortunately I’ve worked out my husband is never going to walk away and do the right thing. He would rather live in this toxic relationship everyday, even though he knows what it does to me and my grown up children.
I’m guessing your husband is the same.

I hope you somehow manage to find the strength to have a nice holiday for your children, and the strength and courage to proceed with the divorce when you get home.
Take care, and thank you again for your support x

[nbumblebee]

I dont have any advice im not where you are but I wanted to say something. Those of you that find the courage to tell your other half you want out to talk to explain to them how you feel well I think you are amazing strong brave inspirational.
I get things are rough now and boy they sound rough and my heart goes out to you but you had the strength once you found that fire and Im certain you will again.
Always believe always hope always know you are amazing.
Its not a step back its just a side step when you are ready step foward again and keep stepping foward. Xxxxx

[Learntoliveagain]

Hello Nbumblebee,
Thank you for all your support you have given me since I joined the forum a while ago now. You are always so supportive and encouraging to everyone on here, you’re an amazing woman.
I like the positive thought that it’s a side step not a backwards step.
I cant help feeling I’m disappointing my friends and family by not finding the courage to tell him that it has to stop.
Take care Numblebee hope you too can find the strength and courage someday soon x

[nbumblebee]

Those that love and care for you wont be dissapointed at all they will only want whats best for you and you should too.
Side step foward step glad it helped keep going strong you got this, You take care of you sweetie xxxxx

[Learntoliveagain]

Quick question, how easy is it to get a support worker?
Do I need to speak to my GP or do I call my local women’s aid. I’m guessing there will be a waiting list as well.

[Lisa]

Hi Learntoliveagain,

If you call your local domestic abuse service (you can find their details through our service directory or by contacting the Live Chat service), they will be able to advise on what support they can offer and whether there’s a waiting list or not. Each service is a little different so it’s best to get in touch directly with any questions.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Learntoliveagain]

Thanks Lisa.

[Alicenotichains]

Learntoliveagain, hello- I am a post abuse survivor who once held onto my husbands ankles and begged him to stay with me, I didn’t even know that i was being abused. The path out isn’t always forwards, sometimes you need a couple of backwards steps which remind you why you want to go which then then propel you forward. I didn’t think I would ever leave, I just resigned myself to the fact that this was my lot, but actually I surprised myself. I have a totally unrecognisable life now, when the time comes you will do what you must do, treat yourself always with compassion- there is no fixed plan or timescale that you need to adhere to. You are not letting anyone down by staying or going. It’s very very hard. Stay strong, never lose hope and when the time comes, leave safely. I would strongly advise against sitting them down, alone and telling them it’s over. They can flip out- even if there has never been violence before. Stay safe and keep going, lovely lady. You are very special- don’t forget it x

[Learntoliveagain]

Morning Alicenotichains,
Thank you your message and for the words of encouragement and support.
I’ve lost count how many times in the past he has threatened to leave and like you I have begged and physically held him back to stop him leaving. The hurt and shame I feel now, knowing he was never going to leave he just wanted me to beg him to stay to make him feel better.

In my head there is no going back, I can’t unthink all the terrible memories or forgive him evertime he drinks to much and starts being a bully.
It’s so reassuring and gives me hope when I read that so many of you have found that strength to leave and you sound like you have a great life now.
Sometimes it feels like I’ve left it to late to leave, being the wrong side of 50.

I know you say there is no timescale and I know that is true but I can stop the panic I feel when he talks about what do I want to do for Valentines day, or what have I planned for his big birthday like he thinks we’re a normal happy husband & wife.
I just want some peace, to come home from work and relax and be happy not to feel so much anxiety when I see his car pull up and wonder if he’s been to shop and bought more beer.
I want so badly to move on from this and start a post like you did saying I’m a post abuse survivor. Instead I’m feeling so trapped.
Thank you for giving me so hope x

[nbumblebee]

@Learningtoliveagain all you have said above is all i could say too so dont ever feel alone.
I too long for the day I can say I survived but fear I never will.
For me its guilt fear of the unknown panic worry and I feel like you ive left it too late now however to me it sounds like you are further on this journey than me and i can almost feel your strength as scarey as it is keep going sweetie you are doing so well just keep going. How amazing would it be for us to be able to write what alicenotichains did eh? Keep that in your head. 🩷

@Alicenotichains Your words are incredable and give so much hope and strength.

[Learntoliveagain]

We share the same reasons we are still with them, @nbumblebee.
It is so sad that the kindness, support, strength and courage we will willingly give someone else that we know are hurting, we can’t give to ourselves. The fear of not knowing how bad things might get once the words “it’s over I cant live like this anymore, I want a divorce” leaves our mouths.
I feel like I’m on a ticking bomb waiting for that moment (all day, everyday), yet when he hands that moment to me I don’t take it…..
Like you, I get so much hope from this forum, it has seen me through some really hard days and for that I will always be so grateful.
One day I hope we both write a post like @alicenotichains.
Keep safe and take care Nbumblebee x

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