Me again

[Pea2020]

I think I need some outside perspective, because I don’t trust my reactions to things since I left my very abusive marriage.

I am in a new relationship. He is mega sweet and seems to have a lot of empathy. We get on well.
However a couple of things have made me feel weird and I need advice I think.

The first incident I want to talk about:
Ok one example –
The other night, he took me out for dinner to celebrate (detail removed by Moderator).
It was a really great evening and he was very happy.
Then when we got home, we both posted photos of (detail removed by Moderator) to Instagram stories.
Then I went upstairs to get changed and when I came downstairs, the mood was completely different. He wasn’t really talking to me and I knew something was wrong.
He wouldn’t initially tell me what the problem was, but then decided to start quizzing me on what I thought the problem could be. I honestly had no idea and was so confused and also starting to feel panicky because I realised he thought I had done something wrong, but I for the life of me couldnt figure it out.
After ages of me not being able to work it out, he then told me what I had done was very very mean. It then became apparent that he was angry with me for posting to my IG stories a few seconds before him.
He didn’t like it that he was going to post a photo to his stories and that I then decided to post a similar photo moments before him.
He was angry that he said something to me about it and I posted first anyway and that I should have waited to post second.
I do remember him mentioning it, but he was saying it in a joke way and we have posted similar photos on IG before and it hasn’t been a problem.
I tried to explain that I had no idea it was a problem and that I thought because in previous scenarios it had been fine, that it was fine this time too. I wasn’t aware that it was an issue and if it was, I wouldn’t have posted first. He kept accusing me of not validating his feelings and called me psychopathic for not understanding why this had got him so upset.
His extreme upset at the IG thing came out of nowhere, we had such a nice day up till that point.
It got to a point where I feel the argument was going round in circles and he got so frustrated that he punched the wall really hard. I do feel that I may have pushed him to a limit though, because I was really struggling to understand exactly why what I had done was so bad.

Second incident:
We were visiting relatives and the journey was (detail removed by Moderator) hours long. At the time of leaving the house, I needed the loo. I have IBS and last second realised I might be a bit longer on the loo.
When I came downstairs again, he had a weird atmosphere and said to me “(detail removed by Moderator)”. He was mad that I was a few minutes longer than he thought I would be and he thought I should apologise for this. I didn’t want to apologise for needing the loo, I couldn’t help it. I was only 4 minutes longer than I thought I would be. When I tried to defend myself, as massive row occurred. I found it weird that he was being so fixated on how long I was and my apparent lateness and how I should apologise. If this was the other way around, I would have understood why he had needed to take a bit longer, as we had a long car journey ahead of us.

Any thoughts? Red flags? Or just off days?

[Rararara]

Massive red flags 😔

It made me feel panic inside when you were describing how you was feeling about not knowing what you had done and having to try figure it out

This behaviour is over something so minimal and that you had no idea would cause them reactions. Imagine the behaviour and reaction of something bigger. Also I feel as he is saying you should wait for him permission to post on IG and ask if you can go to the toilet if it doesn’t go with his plans

[Anonymous]

Ref flags hun, big red flags, he sounds controlling and the over the top moods are a big red flag, read your story and pretend your an outsider reading it, then you’ll see what we all see, the empathy and sweetness could be an act to keep you there also calling you a psychopath for having a tummy issue (which I have too) is really extreme, abusers project their issues and traits onto us so maybe he’s telling you who he really is @Pea2020 please unhook yourself from him, we really don’t want a repeat of your previous 💐💞💗

[liftingthefog]

Yes I agree. I’m afraid this sounds very controlling and I am worried that it is over such trivial things and is allowed to spoil and evening/day?
That said it took me years and the help of this forum to see what I had been tolerating. However I can now look back at the first year and there were dozens of red flags and my attraction to him over ruled my gut instincts which I came to very much regret.
Your instincts are talking to you ….listen to them.
🤗xx

[Strongenough]

I have to agree with Rararara, for me both these incidents are reg flags. Knowing what I know now, what you have described would put me off a potential new partner.

[Pea2020]

Thanks everyone! I appreciate your input.
Is so weird because he is so chill about everything most of the time. But then these couple of things have happened and it does feel off.
I outright asked him (detail removed by Moderator) for permission to post something on IG and he told me I didn’t need to ask his permission.
But he got so mad about that post the other night, so how do I know what he deems right or wrong in this area?

[Hereforhelp]

He is confusing you, then you ask permission to post to which he says you do not need his permission but… the anxiety is there now as his behaviour is starting to change.

Mood swings are awful (I felt my own anxiety rise as I read your post) as my husband is like a f-king yo-yo with his moods. I used to ask him what was wrong when he was showing me through his body language that he was displeased by something, usually when he got home from work (I could’ve spoken with him on the phone whilst he was at work and he would be absolutely fine and then get home and be moody. I would ask what has happened/everything OK as he was obviously off with me, he would say (detail removed by moderator) (I am to blame for everything).

Massive red flags, run for the hills, you managed to get away before. Trust your gut, it is talking to you and you know this behaviour is wrong.

Trust yourself and your gut, you haven’t done anything wrong, his behaviour is way off… punching walls, confusing you etc…. an off day to me is when I am quiet, or a bit moody because of something (like a s**t load of bills) but i would tell my partner why I am off so that they know it has nothing to do with them.

Keep posting ❤

[Hereforhelp]

Pea, I am so sorry you find yourself back here. So glad you posted and non of this is your fault, his behaviour is disgusting not yours x*x

[Bettertimesahead]

Red flags. You should be able to post what you want, when you want. And punching the wall.Not normal behaviour. Please get out while you can

[Hawthorn]

Hi Pea,
Sorry that this has happened to you to bring you back to the forum. I really agree with the other ladies, you’ve come here because your gut is screaming at you that this behaviour isn’t right. These are huge red flags.

He has called you names, threatened physical violence by punching the wall and is controlling of your basic bodily functions. Really scary controlling stuff.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? In the version I did they made reference to how an abuser will often, in the early stages of a relationship, “test” the new victim by getting very angry over something minor to see how the victim reacts and what they will tolerate. I remember the first incident with my abuser very clearly, it was, like you describe above, out of the blue and a complete over reaction to the situation. I was so taken aback I was sure I must have done something wrong- why would he get so angry otherwise?

I had done nothing wrong, and neither have you. Raging at your partner in the way you describe above is not something anyone ever needs to accept in a relationship. He is testing your boundaries. Knowing where our boundaries lie and being prepared to walk away from people who would trample them is essential to keep ourselves safe, particularly after an abusive relationship. The statistics on the number of women who go from one abusive relationship into another are frightening which is why women’s aid recommend 2 years before entering a new relationship after escaping abuse. Abusive men seem to have a sort of 6th sense to sniff out vulnerability.

I’m really sorry you find yourself in this situation. Trust ourself and your gut. Sending big hugs xx

[Pea2020]

Thank you for your replies.

After he punched the wall, I said I wanted to leave and he started going on about how he would never hit a women and never has hit a woman and then started going on about how I slammed a door a few minutes before and how it was exactly the same thing… slamming doors isn’t acceptable, I know I shouldnt have done it on my way out of the house, maybe my display triggered his one?

Regarding controlling my bodily functions, this is the only time he has done this… so this aspect is not a pattern yet… maybe he was stressed about being late?
Either way I think if it was the other way around I would have been completely understanding about it. And his approach to talking to me about it weirded me out.

Also I’m not arguing back at you guys with my message, what you are all saying makes sense, I think I’m just trying to understand it and get my head around it, because he really does seem so chill and nice and friendly and caring like 99% of the time

[Hawthorn]

My abuser used to go like that as well…how he’d never hit a woman, how men that did were s**m blah blah blah…and he didn’t hit me …until he did. But of course that was my fault; I’d been arguing with him, pushed him to it…we all here sadly know the drill.

He was lovely 99% of the time too, in the early stages. Then gradually it was less and less, as abusive relationships go.

Please don’t blame yourself. Look at his actions rather than listening to his nonsense words. You’re not arguing back by expressing your feelings about what happened and trying to figure this awful situation out. We are conditioned to minimise abuse after living in for as long as many of us did/are. Do keep posting, it’s why we’re all here xx

[HunkyDory]

Massive red flags, your post actually triggered me. This is horrible behaviour and the fact he’s punching walls…. I’d make a pretty sharp exit from the relationship if I was in your shoes xx

[Pea2020]

Ps i haven’t done the freedom programme, there aren’t any at any times that I can do because of work and kids etc

[Hazlenut]

Hey, if you re read your posts, you can see how you are making excuses fortis behaviour. I used to do this all the time with my ex, a police officer pointed this out to me.
Listen to your instincts and please get out of this relationship. Consider this: if your son / daughter were describing this behaviour about their new partner, what would you want them to do?

[Pinkvelvet]

Hello Pea2020, I have to agree with the other women here, this triggered me too and I felt compelled to comment. The IG Stories thing is insane, and the fact he made you guess what you’d done wrong… when you’d done absolutely nothing wrong, like a game to make you all worried and stressed. My ex did this to me too and I’d be wracking my brain like omg what did I do… the amount of times he’d cause an issue just so he could be annoyed at me over something, and this sounds similar with the toilet story too. Trying to actively find something to get cross about. It’s hugely disrespectful to you as well to suggest you should just wait, especially since you have a condition that means you, well, can’t wait! Your partner should be understanding and patient, not cruel and make you feel bad for something you cannot control.

I was talking to a male friend the other night about my ex and our past relationship and the trauma it’s caused (he too was absolutely lovely in his moments and exactly the kind of partner I wanted, which made leaving all the more cruel and heartbreaking), and he told me that the next time I enter a relationship, any sign of a red flag at any point 🚩 I should do one thing and one thing only: run. I know it’s easier said than done, and I’m so sorry as it’s horrible and you don’t deserve it xx

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, reading your post I could feel anxiety building in my stomach sweetie x definitely big red flags.

The way you describe him and his controlling behaviour is the way they start to abuse and chip away… for instance you say

‘I honestly had no idea and was so confused and also starting to feel panicky because I realised he thought I had done something wrong, but I for the life of me couldnt figure it out’

The walking on eggshells feeling will return if this continues, there’s no excuse or reasoning acceptable. If he had an issue he would tell you, he doesn’t but wants some control and therefore is behaving like you are responsible for his behaviour (you are not, if he had an issue he could talk to you).

You can do the freedom programme online, I think it costs 12£ and you can do it again and again.

Keep posting ❤

[Wants To Help]

Hi Pea,

I’m another one that agrees these are huge red flags. This is not ‘normal’ behaviour at all, it’s nowhere near rational or healthy. Apart from sympathising with you for your account of the situation I was actually thinking “OMG, how childish is this man?!” Seriously… having an issue with who posts something on social media first…??

Then when I read your follow up post of

I outright asked him for permission to post something on IG and he told me I didn’t need to ask his permission.
But he got so mad about that post the other night, so how do I know what he deems right or wrong in this area?

Here comes the gaslighting. He’s now making out that he has no issue with you posting anything, so now you’re confused whether you can post something or not?!

As long as we’re not posting anything on social media that is illegal, or embarrassing for someone else who has asked us not to post about them, or could be construed as bullying or nasty, no one has a right to tell us/advise us of what we can post or when we can post it. Our personal social media accounts are our personal social media accounts and we can update them whenever we want to.

With regards to you needing the toilet before a long journey, well… again, this bloke is a complete control freak (detail removed by Moderator) so please ditch him and don’t contemplate any more dates with him. You’re not going to change him and help him become a nicer person with your love, patience and understanding, and he’s not going to become a nicer person of his own accord either. He’s showing you his red flags now so that’s the danger sign for you to walk away now.

xx

[Wants To Help]

I’ve gone and messed up the font again, I promise I’m not shouting at you lol. The bit in italics was the only bit meant to be in bold too and I’ve no idea how to get the bold type off the rest of it!!

[Pea2020]

Hey guys!

Me again.

Of course I’m still in a relationship with him.

All has seemed OK the past (detail removed by moderator).

Then (detail removed by moderator), he seemed off about something in my (detail removed by moderator). It was because something I had put in it was similar to his (detail removed by moderator). He had changed his (detail removed by moderator) recently and I hadn’t realised. It was to do with a (detail removed by moderator).
He didn’t believe me that I hadn’t spotted his (detail removed by moderator) and I spent all day trying to explain myself and tell him I wasn’t lying, I had no reason to lie about it, it was just an (detail removed by moderator).
He would not believe me. He would say (detail removed by moderator).
By the end of the day I was exhausted and angry and I told him I wanted to break up.
The was a huge argument and loads of shouting. I would say that I shouted as much as he did.
Then just as I was leaving he suddenly switched and apologised for thinking I was lying. He acted caring about my day and hugged me. I broke down.
(Detail removed by moderator) I went back to his and it was kind of ok. I felt a bit weird but it was OK.
Then he kept making little digs about my (detail removed by moderator) and the types of stuff that I post.
(Detail removed by moderator). They weren’t sexual selfies, however maybe it was inappropriate of me to share selfies like that. So I deleted them. He then had a go at me for following guys back (detail removed by moderator), especially ones who had one or two topless selfies. He was following (detail removed by moderator) whose pictures were all underwear shots and also women (detail removed by moderator) who sometimes posted underwear photos.
He made me unfollow and I then pointed out the unfairness, so he also unfollowed. The thing is, I didnt even mind him following these women back, I just wanted to point I out the double standards eek.
He told me off for  (detail removed by moderator), however, everyday since then he has mentioned all the followers I’m getting (detail removed by moderator) and the amount of guys that follow me.

I feel odd and confused and do feel like I have also been out of line here.

What is happening ahhhh

[HunkyDory]

No wonder you’re confused. Double standards, controlling, gaslighting, moving goalposts and projecting – all standard abusive behaviors. Believe me this isn’t going to go away and in fact will probably get worse. My advice is the same, I’d leave this relationship before it does get worse and it gets more difficult to get out. The fact he switched tactics as you were about to leave just shows how he’s moving through the cycle. Be careful Xx

[Anonymous]

Not liking any of it , triggered me all flashbacks, very concerning, showing all signs of abusive behaviour, lots of red flags ! I’d rethink this relationship x

[Author]

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