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Just remember mediator has done this many times!
They’ll explain process first then ask questions and listen.
Try not to get angry at anything they, say they need to understand and questions are part of it. They’ll probably ask the same thing in slightly different way several times.
Be open about your worries. Give examples of what’s not worked, and what has – even of it’s something he’s done.
If this process doesnt work and it needs to go to court the mediator may be asked for a report and if this shows cooperation and your acceptance of the process that’s a bonus for you as chances are the children’s dad won’t be reasonable!
Are you with their dad for it or I’d it first meeting and you’re separate? If so discus how to avoid face to face with him.
It probably won’t be as bad as you think. I threw up before our single mediation session regarding finances I was so het up! The mediator was very nice. My ex wasn’t even there and then he decided it “wasn’t for him” as it would never work. Story of my life – do what he wants, I did, he pulls out.
When you’re done treat yourself to something – coffee, chocolate bar or maybe a face mask. You’ll probably feeled drained but keep in mind its a process to make sure contact works for your children and you (and unfortunately him!) -
Be prepared for him to lay on the charm. If you have any doubts, if you spot anything that doesn’t ring true, don’t do it again.
He may expect 50/50 childcare although this may be for financial reasons.
Remember that this is only a legal process, and to sort out very practical things, so if you feel any control freakery going on, I think you can say so.
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Sending you a huge hug of support, I know how sad and nervous you’ll be feeling (Detail removed by Moderator).
Just remember, you have your children’s bes interests at heart and that’s what you should show and always keep at the forefront of your mind. Your husband, who hardly had anything to do with looking after them, does not. He’s doing this to get at you because he’s lost control. And also remember why you left him. 50/50 is not in the best interests of anyone in this situation.
Have you requested separate rooms? I find my husband very intimidating so I will be.
Thinking of you. Let us know how you are later. Be brave. I know how hard that is though xxxxx
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separate roonms yes.
Be clear about what your negotiating position is before you go in there. And stick to it.
Don’t waste time, energy with talking about things you don’t want to negotiate on.
If the subject of 50/50 comes up – just calmly and politely say you’re not prepared to negotiate on that one, and without sounding threatening just say the court can deal with that one.He many try to threaten you with court, try to intimidate you this way.
Don’t be afraid if you can help it. If he goes down that road, he is afraid of something himself and is projecting. Likely that you will fare better and stand a better chance of gaining an arrangement that will be better for you with the kids e.t.c
the mediator will know hopefully that your insistence on separate rooms has a reason. You should not need to explain why you are asking for this.good luck
ftc
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Thank you so much
I am meeting with her on my own (Detail removed by Moderator). He had an initial meeting (Detail removed by Moderator) alone. I worry with how clever he will be. He won’t drop his mask at all, won’t seem unreasonable will just fool everyone into being he calm one and I’m the emotionally unstable one. I bet he’s told her I’m depressed a mentally anxious
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Trust the process. If you need and want to tell her the reason why you want separate rooms…I would do that. Trust your gut.
In a way he doesn’t need to drop his mask. You might be surprised how during the process and later on in court it becomes very obvious how someone actually is.
Mediators and court staff have seen this sort of thing before.
You have rights.
Under the disablity discrimination act if you have had depression for more than two years it is classed as a disability and you can ask for reasonable adjustments. I.e go out for a breath of fresh air and a break. or make a phone call. The moment where you say you have a disabilty is the moment where the mediator is supposed to make adjustments.
all best
ftc
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Haven’t been depressed though……meNt that in a way like he’d lie about me.
So I survived.
Moderator asked straight up if there had been any bullying behaviour and I was honest and said yes, told her quite a bit. Her reaction scared me as she was very cold, but then my friend reminded me she has to remain a neutral. I said I did not want to be in the same room, but her set up was that one of us could sit downstairs and one up but you’d both be able to hear each other…was like open plan. It freaked me out as I don’t think I’d be able to speak like that. She said she could recommend we weren’t suitable for mediation by then I freaked out and told her how worried this would go against me if it went to court that I didn’t try??? She said it was my choice. I’m going to speak to my solicitor tomorrow and my councillor and see what I decide. She also said she could ask husbands solicitors if they have two rooms we could use for shuttle mediation or refer us to a new mediator but then we’d need to repeat this first stage again and pay again. What should I do?
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Call women’s aid? I don’t have kids and didn’t have to go through any of this, but I can’t i.agine, even now, after months and months of no contact, being able to be calm and collected enough to argue my side of anything in his presence. Even if I couldn’t see him, hearing him and knowing he could hear me would be enough to terrify me. It’s a normal response to an abuser and that surely shouldn’t count against you in court.
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Yes I agree, I think you should be able to feel safe and unintimidated and able to speak and think freely! In a separate room!
I just read this:
I am a family mediator. Mediation is a voluntary process and should only go ahead if both clients and the mediator feel it will help – the appropriateness of mediation should be discussed at the assessment stage and mediation is not the best way forward in absolutely all cases. When assessing the suitability of mediation, I want to be sure that both people will be safe in the room and I want to be sure that both people will be able to say what they need to say without feeling frightened or worried about what might happen outside of mediation. Sometimes, I will arrange for my clients to have separate waiting areas before mediation sessions and for them to leave separately after sessions. Sometimes clients will agree in mediation that they will not discuss certain issues outside of mediation sessions.
Domestic abuse/violence in a relationship does not automatically mean mediation cannot go ahead; but the impact of the abuse on the client’s ability to negotiate freely in mediation would need to be explored in detail at the assessment meeting. I can think of cases where mediation has not gone ahead because of domestic abuse, and cases where mediation has gone ahead and has really helped, even though there was a domestic abuse element to their relationship. The key is to make sure you discuss all your worries and concerns with the mediator at the mediation assessment stage; and that if any concerns arise during mediation, you raise these with your mediator straight away.
Big hugs xx
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It sounds like what the services offer is different possibly a post code lottery?
I recall having separate rooms but because the place was small there was a joint waiting area which obviously is difficult.
I do wish you all the best.
It is not a simple decision I think you are doing extremely well in your decision making
I do feel for you and wish you all power to you as it were.
ftc
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