Meeting another man whilst still with your abuser

[gettingtired]

I’ve gotten myself into a bit of a situation and don’t know how to handle it. I have no dating experience and have only ever known my toxic, abusive relationship that I just can’t seem to leave..

I met someone through an old job and have known them for a few years now. I always really liked them as a person but began to like them as more than just friends the more I got to know them. I sensed that it was a mutual attraction between us but nothing was ever formally said. We have stayed in touch over the years and I assume that must be because there’s always been this unsaid attraction there for us both. Even though I’m probably quite vulnerable because of the abuse, it’s always felt like an obvious connection between us. I even confided in him once that things at home were bad and I was coming to terms with it being abusive etc. I didn’t go into any more details as I didn’t feel comfortable doing so and he didn’t push for more information. He was supportive. During this time he was also in a relationship. We were just friends.
Fast forward to now and he got in contact through something with me. Turns out his ex recently ended things with him. We met up through something (not a date or anything, can’t give too many details) and he did enquire about my situation. I felt embarassed by the fact I’m still in my situation despite disclosing the abuse to him so I didn’t really respond. I gave him quite a short answer and didn’t elaborate so I think he got the message it’s still complicated. Maybe he was hoping we would both be single now?
The problem is I’d like to get to know him one day but now is just very bad timing because of the abuse/trauma bond that’s stopping me from leaving my current situation. Even if I left my current partner today, I’m just not ready for a new relationship. I know WA recommend staying single for a few years after leaving an abusive relationship and I definitely don’t want to get caught going from one toxic relationship to another.
Should I just be honest with him? Explain I’m not available right now because of my complicated situation but I’d like to remain friends and maybe get to know each other one day when I’m ready if that’s what he wants. Is there any harm in just being honest?
My life is constantly shrouded in secrets and having to pretend all day everyday so I feel like I need to be honest here. Or is it a really bad idea? I don’t trust my own judgement on a lot of things, especially relationships. I’m also embarassed but feel like I need to get it off my chest.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Gettingtired

In being honest, you have to be honest with yourself first.

What you say is that you wouldn’t feel ready to start dating even if you were to separate immediately, and also that is something WA don’t recommend either, which I am assuming you can also see the sense in that, so you being honest to him would mean saying this to him, that in reality, its going to be a long time before you would be available for a relationship, including emotionally and psychologically available. I also think that the level of toxic attachment you could have would leave you very vulnerable to filling that hole with someone else, which isn’t fair on them.

This must be so hard for you to stay logical and work through, as emotionally its very disruptive.

Would he wait for this length of time in reality? It wouldn’t be fair on you to have this as your eventual goal as you will not feel single, but jsut biding time till you could be together?/what bad timing for you

warmest wishes

ts

[gettingtired]

I think when I hadn’t seen him for a long time I almost fantasised about him being this man who could rescue me from my painful situation and who I would be really happy with/could have a future with. I have always liked him and I always felt we had a lot in common but it was probably also a form of escapism from my own reality in a way.
When we met up and I heard he was newly single I realised even if I had left my relationship I wouldn’t be ready to jump into getting to know him more straight away. I would need that space to myself and to grieve the abusive relationship ending. I guess I just want him to know I do like him but that I’m not in a position right now to get to know each other more than just friends. I need supportive friends. Then he knows how I feel and maybe one day if the time was ever right we could pursue something. If he applied any pressure (which he has never done) I would run a mile anyway. I just have this urge to be honest with him. Like I said, my life is a series of constantly pretending and lying/covering up the truth about the abuse to people. It is exhausting.
I also keep feeling guilty because of my ‘partner’ even though I know I haven’t done anything wrong and he has treated me horribly so it’s no wonder I’ve grown feelings for someone else x

[Twisted Sister]

yes, its no wonder you have grown feelings for someone else, and your reply to me shows such self-honesty.

Its a huge help to be able to have good friends around whilst you go through this, but he is a friend who presents more than friendship and therefore not so great for the impartiality you’d need, or never knowing if you both had a heart to heart and a few drinks one night, you’d never know where that might go,so as a friend in your situation, its not the sort of help that you can gravitate towards. Such a shame, as from all that you’ve said he does sound reasonable, and possibly could be a good friend, to others, but you two have blurred boundaries because of shared feelings.

Maybe he would understand if you said you have to leave out any contact because things are so messy right now and having him around in any way could cause further complication to you. Yes, who would blame you for wanting to be rescued right now! and there have been relationships on here spoken about that have worked right after leaving an abuser, but there have been many that haven’t, some way a bit further down the line, and it would be a shame also to have that happen because you hadn’t had the time to go through the process by yourself fully. It can take years, which I can attest to, and you don’t know what will ensue post-separation.

You are being very strong and honest with yourself. xx

warmest wishes

ts

[Mellow]

The thing I’m worried about here you don’t know if he’s an abuser !he’s spoke of his relationship recently ending it could be one of the ladies on here for all you know!he’s known your not available and tried to make hints of a connection does not sound right a most people avoid that and they don’t charm anyone

[gettingtired]

I know what you mean but he’s always been respectful of my space as obviously he was in a relationship and knew I was too so he has never crossed the line but I just always felt we were drawn to each other in some way. I suppose I was thinking I could be honest then I wouldn’t be getting to know him in a dating sense anyway until further down the line when I’m ready if he was still available then. That way we’re just remaining friends and if he tried to put on any pressure I would run a mile. So far he hasn’t pressured me with anything though, just been supportive. Before he asked me if I was still in my relationship everything I was saying hinted that we were no longer together so I guess he wanted to find out for sure, maybe just because I’d told him things were abusive before and as a friend he was concerned. I’m not sure I just know anything for me has to be taken slowly, even friendships I guess x

[nbumblebee]

We all want rescuing sweetie god knows I do and we all fantasise about being away being with someone who really loves you. Theres nothingvwrong in that. Theres also nothing wrong in accepting his friendship this life leaves us lonley so lonley.
But be aware be wary keep a little back for now you are still learning about your abuse you are still trying to find a way through. This man wont and cant save you only you can save yourself.
Accept his friendship be open with him explain you arent ready just yet for anything more, if he is meant to be your knight I guess he will wait.
You need friendship support you need to love youtself first before you can ever move on.
Take care my friend xx

[gettingtired]

You’re right, I think I always felt that if he became single and I thought he might be interested in me then that would give me the confidence to leave my current relationship for some reason. Clearly that isn’t the case though and I still have work to do. It’s just sad because it’s such a lonely life and I feel I’m missing out on someone who could be nice to me all of the time instead of only when it suits him (how partner is). I guess if anything is meant to be it will happen but I’m still on this emotional rollercoaster with the abuse happening x*x

[Bananaboat]

If you two are meant to be and you’ve waited this long then a few more months won’t hurt will it. However like the others have said, be careful that you get to know the real him and not the one in your mind that has been your safety fantasy all this time (we all dream of Prince Charming), secondly it’s a red flag that he was in a relationship and knew you were but still stayed in contact, plus if he’s recently ended something he’s jumping fast with you. Take some time, if he’s meant to be he’ll understand. Plus if your current partner finds out it’ll be an awful time for you x

[gettingtired]

Is it still a red flag as we just stayed in contact now and again as friends though? (like friendly chat, nothing more than that). Surely it’s ok for someone to be friends with someone of the opposite sex providing they aren’t disrespecting their partner by being flirty with the other person or trying it on. Of course my ‘partner’ doesn’t even know he exists as he would definitely not be happy about me having a male friend. I don’t have any, the only ones he’s ok with me being friendly with is his male friends.
I did think to myself there’s absolutely no way I’m being some sort of rebound for him because his ex has dumped him. But equally nothing has actually been said about us getting together or any honesty to say we like one another. It’s just a feeling I get.
I just thought maybe if I was honest and laid my cards on the table then I’ve made it clear to him that I do like him but I’m in a bad place right now and not able to pursue anything. If it’s meant to be then it will happen one day, if it’s not then it won’t. I don’t know why I feel the urge to just be honest but I do? Maybe because I’m always having to pretend to everyone and put on a front, duck and dive and dodge questions about the relationship and it’s exhausting. But then I doubt myself wondering if that’s the right thing to do x

[Mellow]

I agree with banana boat an abuser seeks a relationship when ones over they need a new supply and you are vulnerable at the minute enough to go back to abuse again .it’s not wrong to find love but if he flirted in anyway that is a red flag.hope I don’t sound too blunt

[gettingtired]

Thanks Mellow no you’re not, I really appreciate everyone’s advice. He didn’t flirt when I saw him but I have just always sensed that we like one another. He’s never crossed the line by trying it on or anything with me x

[Camel]

Hi Gettingtired

I’m sorry you started this thread a while ago so my reply might be irrelevant.

I wanted to say it’s always positive to imagine a life with someone other than your abuser. You’ve imagined this man as your saviour, your partner, your friend. And he is your friend, although distantly. I guess I would be cautious about how honest I’d be with him. At the moment there’s a mutual attraction, not acted upon. He hasn’t been open about his feelings or hopes. So, you don’t need to be open either. You feel good having him there so why spoil it? Right now he’s still your friend.

[Author]

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