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Hi, don’t know how much I can take- (Details removed by moderator)
This is not fair and I cannot do it. Recieved a photo of him for my child – lying on the beach and he has written that (detail removed by moderator). I am at breaking point so scared I am about to loose my child- the one thing that has kept me going. I am so scared. For the first time ever today I had complete meltdown at work and now I am going to have to explain why. This should be a fresh start, where no one knows about my shameful past, I am so embarrassed about having to tell them about my personal life at work. I am really am rock bottom.
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Take some deep breaths. I covered this in therapy this week. My ex was playing games and I was reacting (badly). She said that I have no control over his behaviour but I have control over mine. You’re not going to lose your child. That’s his silly voice in your head trying to destabilise you. From what I remember he is not allowed to contact you. So he’s given you the perfect ammunition for your solicitor to fire right back at him. More points for your side x it’s not your shameful past it’s his and you are under no obligation to share that with anyone. You are having personal issues outside work and unfortunately you temporarily reacted to them but you’re getting help and dealing with things x
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Hi Benson, lovely, lovely one,
would go with KIP. You are not going to lose your child
I lived with that fear and still do, but it is an empty one. Really.
Sounds like you are a brilliant mum. You have no reason to be ashamed lovely.
Just what the abuse does to us, makes us feel small.
You are a lovely one, if you were here would give you biggest hug ever.
all best
ftc
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we’re all on your side Benson! you’re not alone, think of us, and keep us and our strength behind you, with you, think of our words and support for you.
It is his shame, not yours. It is his guilt. He did this. please keep posting all you can about your fears and worries if you can so that you can get every single bit of support for you. Call the helpline, access victim support if you don’t have that yet. Get everything you can around you whilst you face this difficult time.
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Speak to Rights of Women if you can get through, they will be enormously helpful and incredibly supportive.
warmest wishes ts
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Hi Benson,
Hi Benson,Sorry to hear he is still making a nuisance of himself. The shame you feel is his shame, not yours. Abuse is never the survivor’s fault, but is a choice made by the perpetrator. You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of.
Domestic abuse is sadly very common and there is no shame in telling anyone what you have been through. It’s tempting to think there must be something wrong with you for getting involved with an abuser, but abusers can be very charming at the beginning of the relationship so unless you are fully aware of the red flags to look for, there is no way you could have known your ex would end up abusing you. There is nothing wrong with you; he is the one with the problem, not you.
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If you have a restraining order in force, he should not be contacting you directly – and if he does, you should contact the police and also the court which issued the restraining order. If the court has agreed to him having indirect contact with your child, there should be specific arrangements in place whereby photos, cards, gifts, etc., are only allowed to be sent at certain times of the year and to a third party such as a family member.
Take care, Copperflame xx
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Thank you. (removed by moderator) I am really scared trying to do it on my own. With regards to my job, I just want to be seen as normal, it was a fresh start where no one knew about the past.
Right now I just feel a mess, I have walked around like a zombie today, my whole body aches and I have no energy.
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Hi there Benson
I think evry one of us here will recognise that awful feeling. Right now my heart is pounding and my stomach trembling. Please know you are not alone
It is terrifying having to face him , and you shouldn’t have to,make sure you get special measures put in place for you. Do call rights if women, do get victim support help, post here and call the helpline. Reach out to everyone you can but keep talking it out.
Once this bit is over itwll be possible to be calmer, but during it you must do anything you can and the only way I know when its so extreme is to exercise hard or take medications from GP t help. Although I found when its bad nothing touches it apart from running as fast as you can, or cycling, swimming, whatever your thing is.
Hand-holding and huge virtual strong hug from me.
Warmest wishes ts
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Benson, you are doing so, so well. I recognise when you mention your ‘murky past’. It’s not a murky past. It’s things that you have witnessed over which you have had no control. It doesn’t change the past but it changes the point of view.
Professionals can get the wording so wrong. It can seem as though they are part of the abuse. The legal system is black and white. If you have outreach support they can write for you. It’s not too late. Please keep breathing. It may sound like a stupid thing to ask, but so often we forget to breathe or we feel as though we can’t.
It’s one hell of a journey. Thinking of you.
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Ladies I did it! All by myself, it was a horrendous experience but I fought for my child and I got the outcome I wanted. I was a nervous wreck, shaking violently but I did it. He was not happy and showed his true colours. It just proved he hasn’t changed. Although I am so happy I finally have closure, the words he said are going round and round in my head. Also he made it known (Detail removed by Moderator) where I had moved to, which has unsettled me, now I have to be very careful as he was extremely angry that I have taken the control from him. I am so proud of myself for standing up to him and fighting for the best interest of my child- all the professional saw through him, he is a dangerous man.
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Time, patience and tender loving care. Don’t underestimate the effect of trauma. It’s going to take time. I had a bed experience of it recently. I’d forgotten how debilitating it can be. We run on adrenaline for too long so our body crashes and needs time to replenish. Luckily we get up quicker each time but it still takes its toll. You’ve been through a lot. Just stick to basic tasks. Don’t take any extra pressures and it will pass x
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Thanks KIP, yours and others on here support has been amazing, your words gave kept me strong throughout and have enabled me to fight and not give up. I feel like all of a sudden everything is sinking in, I have absolutely no energy and I am incredibly emotional – wish I could just hide away for a while, but can I have a young child who needs me – it’s difficult!
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Well done Benson, so delighted for you and your little one!
I felt the same after facing him in court. Having anything to do with them brings our energy to an all-time low, You have just fought and won an amazing battle so no wonder you are so drained and exhausted.
Keep things very simple for the next while or as long as it takes. Your priority is your little one and to just turn up at your job. Don’t worry about your performance, just turn up. You don’t have to be super-woman. Just do the best you can on any day and if that’s not much that’s ok. Its the best you can do (just being through such difficult ordeal).
Simple meals, plenty of rest, early nights, post on here. That’s all you have to do.
I repeat to myself when having ‘awful’ feelings “This Too Will Pass”.
Well done again!
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Dear Benson
Oh thats amazing! Is a massive crash from the huge pumping adrenaline surge of leaving.Treat yourself asif you have flu, do the bare minimum. Get all the support and TLC you can.
Rest, watch movies, picnic on the sofa with your little one, sleep as best you can,pamper yourself try to eat something little regularly asthat wll help supprt you physically and emotionally.
Keep posting love, you have done so well. Now rest. Make sure the police know your phone number and put a marker on it and your address. Block your letter-box and make sure all safely locked up at night.
Warmest wishes ts
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Hello Benson, have just caught up with this thread,
I am so proud of you, and so familiar with everything the ladies on here have said with the experience of having run on adrenaline for so long, and the exhaustion when you come down from it and crash.Ladies on her so wise in saying keep things simple and don’t try to be superwoman.
Also in your case playing with your little one (nothing heavy duty) can help them and you..as play can be very healing.
like the picnic on the sofa idea, anything that cuts down on housework. Pile of fruit in the kitchen as snacks are quite respectable.
Don’t forget to say ‘can I have a hug’ from your little one. In doing this you are being a good role model, you don’t have to say why – even, but this gives them a sense of empowerment that they too can be helpful and indeed that it is OK to ask for a hug from a loved one.
Well done also for holding down a job. Amazing.
all best
ftc
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Thanks to you all for your kind words. I have had a slow day today, trying to recover. It still comes in huge waves and knocks me, but have spent time with my child and feeling thankful that we can be together, just the two of us! I still can’t eat and having the most awful flashbacks but hoping they will once again start to disappear. I am still rather emotional and broke down in public today, thank goodness for sunglasses! Started looking over my shoulder again and nearly jumped out of mys skin when there was a knock at the door. Thanks again for all of your support, it has been so immensely powerful and has helped me so much.
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Sorry ladies I need to write. It has been a particularly challenging day today, I have had to put that brave face on when inside feel full of emotion! (Detail removed by moderator) – yes I should be really pleased that we are now free of everything, but I feel rubbish! I have tried hard today but can’t believe how court can affect me. I am going to see my counsellor so hopefully they can sort me- I don’t want to waste anymore time on him!!! I am focusing on keeping us safe.
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Wow I love to hear news like this! So uplifting change is on the horizon thank goodness xxxx 😊
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Thank you for your kind words. I am feeling stronger this week, the emotions are subsiding and I am now trying to look forward. Did try and mentally prepare myself for something to arrive via third person for the my child. He didn’t bother, guess that shows how much he cares, he tried to use the courts to continue his abuse, but he has now been stopped, so he is not interested in the child anymore. I have still had the random calls, especially in early hours. I will change my number once I have the energy! Onwards and upwards and I am loving creating new happy memories.
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