- This topic has 14 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 1 month ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hi all,
I havent posted for a while. Have been trying to deal with the continued abuse since leaving which is zapping my energy. It does feel like im slowly getting stronger though.
Something triggered some memories yesterday about incidents that ive not told anyone about not even on here.
It was a simple thing, just a sound which reminded me of something he used to do before comung upstairs some nights. And it made me think of what then used to take place sometimes. I think ive avoided thinking of these things purposefully to protect myself a bit. But then yesterday it all just came flooding back and i dont know how to process it by myself. I hope you dont mind me sharing this here.
He used to get very drunk then when it was time for him to come upstairs i would hear the sound of the (detail removed by moderator). This was always a warning sound for me that he was coming up and would put me on edge straight away. Some nights it would be ok and he would just stumble into bed and fall asleep. But in other occasions he would try and have sex with me. I always pretended to be asleep. But as soon as he started this i would move away from him which then usually lead to a barrage of abuse about how c**p i made him feel. Sometimes he grabbed at me, a couple of times he (detail removed by moderator) and i would have to kick out to make him stop. He would try and touch me despite me saying no and moving away. A few times he (detail removed by moderator) whilst doing this and then laughed at me. He would then tell me he wasnt doing anything wrong and that i was the one with the issue. Ive pushed him away before when hes tried to force me into doing something and ive then been told that im being abusive.
Im not really sure i have a point to this post, just really needed to get some of tha off my chest to try and start processing it.
It kind of came flooding back all from just one little noise -
This struck a chord. My ex was v similar. Stayed up drinking, I’d hear the same noise as you and I’ll lie there waiting. Took me ages to stop listening for it at night.
It does get easier. Unfortunately I’m back to waking early as we are in process of trying to sort finances and he is making everything as difficult as possible.
Acknowldege the trigger, breathe through it and focus on something else-
Im sorry to hear that you have felt similar bettertimesahead. Im also having the same issues about finances at the moment. Hes still in our house, me and my daughter left and hes refused to pay any child maintenance and has actually asked me to give him money, its been a nightmare.
I dont think i had realised just how on edge i had been before i left, listening to the noises and anticipating what they meant for me
-
-
Its always best to get it out write it down and talk about it. I am finding now that i am having many memory flash backs now i am finally seeing what he is. Its hard right accepting what thwy do/did but always always talk about it
Mine does this sober. He is always touching poking me in places i dont want him too he gets angry at the word No and nasty whwn hes not had sex for a while. Nothing stops him he will go on and on till he gets what he wants. He thinks its a funny game and cant see a problem. He says im no fun and that i am having an affair as i dontbwant sex with him. Its a huge issue in my marriage so i underdtand what you are going through/went through. Stay strong sweetie keep talking keep working on you thats what important now sweetie you xxxxx-
Nbumblebee im so sorry you are going through this.
What you said about him thinking it’s a funny game- i had exactly the same. He would even act like i was enjoying this sick game of his.
He also accused me multiple times of having an affair as i didnt want him near me.
Thank you for listening, it really does help to let it out
-
-
Oh honey, you poor love, it’s horrible when memories are triggered like that xx
Some sounds put me on edge too, it’s an instinctive reaction to protect ourselves.
My ex often poked me too, through clothes usually but sometimes he would just shove his fingers in me in bed when I was asleep then either get angry an cross when I didn’t like it or like yours say it was a game and funny. Wasn’t for me.
He was sexually abusive and made me do stuff a lot that I didn’t want to do but again like you I kind of blocked it out and it wasn’t until now when we’re not together anymore that I’ve realised what actually happened was assault. I’m struggling with the fact that I sometimes offered him sex stuff because I knew it would keep him happy, stop him kicking off etc. I’ve been told that’s part of the coercion I was under but it feels like I was offering it so surely I wanted it (although I know deep down I didn’t). They really do a number on our heads don’t they.
Like a pp said, try to tell yourself it’s a trigger and it’s your body and brain protecting you but you’re safe now. My therapist says to use positive language in my head, so instead of “he’s not coming back” try “I’m safe”
Big hugs x
-
Dancingdaisy thank you for your reply. I am so sorry that you too have had to go through this as well.
It is so hard when these memories are triggered and you so start to doubt yourself and think well maybe i gave off the wrong impression etc.
It’s like they try and pretend its just a game to try and justify their actions and to make us seem like we are being unreasonable for reacting. But there is no justification for how they have acted. I keep finding i am trying to get my head around what would make someone do these things but i guess that wont help me to heal. We need to concentrate on ourselves now dont we.
Sending love x
-
-
Hi to all the lovely ladies who have posted above. @Shazza I’m so sorry to hear that you have been triggered. It’s a horrible trauma to have to re-live. Have you considered accessing specialist help?
Of all the different types of abuse I honestly feel that sexual abuse is the most damaging. It gets every part of you; your mind and your body, inside and out. No part of you is left untouched. Unfortunately, it seems to be the go to for abusers when they want ultimate control and I suspect the vast majority of the ladies on the forum have experienced it.
There are lots of different therapies available and depending on your postcode, many of them are offered for free. It may not be for everyone but I found EMDR was very helpful in helping me deal with the trauma of sexual abuse.
Being triggered when your guard is down can feel as traumatising as that first assault so please take care of yourself and try to give yourself time and self care whilst you process this.
🫂
-
Hi Eggshells, thank you for replying.
Yes you are right in that it is very difficult to deal with how you feel when triggered as it does bring everything flooding back.
EMDR is fantastic- i had this years ago for something entirely separate and it was so so beneficial.
I am seeing my therapist so will make sure that i talk this all through when i do see them.
It is hard in that moment to cope with those emotions and those feelings of panic and terror that come rushing back.
-
-
Shazza the self-doubt is awful isn’t it. It’s a constant battle to know you’re not making everything up, even when you know you’re not!
As for getting your head around why, there’s a really good book called Living with the Dominator that is helping me to understnad it all.
big hugs x
-
-
It’s crazy what can trigger, could be a person who looks like them, a word/sentence someone says, a smell, even things on tv?you’ve probably still got some ptsd (have a google) I think a lot of us can relate to stuffing things down to get on with life but like I said to our Nbumblebee they don’t stay down, have you ever had any trauma based therapy’s? Or has it been a case of just trying to manage with everything on your own? sending hugs 🤗💝🤗
-
Thanks Auriel. I havent had trauma based therapy for any of this yet, but i am seeing a therapist who i previously did EMDR with for something unrelated.
So far i feel like i am just trying to sort thriugh it all in my head. Every now and then i let little bits out to one or two close friends but i worry that i end up sounding a bit crazy sometimes and also dont want to go into too much detail as dont want to make it their problem. Therapy is helpful, i know i just need time, i just wish i could press fast forward on this part
-
-
We spend so many years pretending pushing it all down not wanting to see to rememner because it hurts way too much trouble is one day there wont be any room left and it will just all explode out and wont stop pouring out and that way is so so much harder to clean up to cope with.
I wish someone had told me earlier in my life that its ok to rememner its ok to hurt its ok to talk and let it all out.
For me its a certain smell that reminds me of bad times in my past. Im still here so its hard but i am now remembering how things used to be without my rose tinted glasses on and boy its painful.
I hope you have someone you can talk this through with sweetie someone who can help and guide you through. Xxxxxx -
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
