Memory Block?

[SeaView21]

I’m at that stage – part of me wants to leave but the other part of me feels guilty for wanting to leave.

I have given him one last chance to prove that he can change.

I’m not feeling very hopeful as I have given him chance after chance to show me this could work – he could change – we could be happy – I could feel safe and loved. (It changes for a while – then goes back to normal)

I came across some advice – write all the bad things down – everything that he’s ever done that hurt me.

I started writing – then I stopped. Why can’t I remember everything clearly?

There’s times I remember walking around the street in tears – but I can’t remember what happened before that. I can’t remember why I was walking barefoot crying my eyes out.

I know that every ‘happy’ occasion has been spoilt – Christmas is meant to be full of excitement but he brings it down. I just can’t remember how or why!

I know that every family trip out has ended up in tears. (detail removed by moderator) – again I can’t remember why – I can’t remember what he said or what he did.

Is it because I have spent the (detail removed by moderator) blocking it all out? Pretending it was fine? Or is my memory just that shocking?

It’s not that I’ve forgot everything (I wish I could) but I have forgot so much.. so much just doesn’t make sense in my head – it just adds to the confusion!

[Pineapplepie]

Hi Seaview

I’ve just seen your post and I’ve recently posted something similar, I’ve was advised that it’s a way of our brain protecting us. I’ve been in this relationship a similar amount of time too.

Just wanted to say you are not alone I go through this too, he was shouting at me earlier, I know what made him shout but can’t remember what he said.

he too ruins everything by causing an issue, I prefer it when he’s not there, the thing he shouted at me today was from a family event recently, I knew he’d find a problem with a comment or joke made to him and take it out on me.

I’m sorry you’re going through this too, it hurts and is so confusing xx

[SeaView21]

Thank you for responding – I thought I was going crazy!

It makes sense why our brain would block it out – it’s just frustrating when you’re trying to remember how things happened and you can’t.

I also prefer it when he’s not here (but then I feel guilty for thinking that way) I just need to let the guilt go..

[Sogo1234]

I get exactly the same thing. My brain gets so scrambled when we are arguing or he is being abusive and I forget how we go there most of the time. I have started keeping a note in my phone which I add to every time something happens while it is fresh in my mind as I forget things. Weirdly writing things down straight away has jogged other mini memories of similar things said and done in the past which I thought I’d forgotten.

 

Don’t put pressure on yourself to remember everything. Our brains get scrambled by these horrible people and memory loss is common as far as I’m aware. Just get what you can down.

 

I’m also feeling the same as you in that part of me wants to leave and the other part feels guilty for wanting to. I empathise. I hope you find the strength to leave. I try to focus on all of the things I can do without worry or stress once I’m out of the relationship. I’m not ready to put myself through ending it yet as it’s a big decision and a very hard thing to go through (we’ve broken up several times before but it never sticks).

[nbumblebee]

Yup I have this too throughtout my whole life with all my experiences. My counsellor says its our brains way of protecting us because if we remembered all the bad stuff then how how do we cope? Our brain is designed to protect and thats what its doing.

Just keep writing it down. I never did this and I am left with huge doubt about things that i think happened throughout my marriage. They warp our mind through gaslighting love bombing etc its all a game for them so we dont remember so we stay.

Im still here decades on and now i write it all down as much as I can so I dont doubt myself.

Keep doing what you are doing keep yourself safe dont ever doubt yourself. Reach out for help where you can and keep moving foward. If leaving is what you want then you will find a way, you will until them learn all you can talk all you can and stay safe. Xx

[Bananaboat]

100% normal, it’s a survival mechanism and I’m sure others will correct me if wrong but a form of disassociation . Sometimes focusing on a part of the memory, like how you felt can allow other bits to open up. Counselling can tease them out but for your own records just saying a date, you ‘walked round town crying after an incident’ can be enough proof – you know it happened. I don’t know about others but writing the stuff down even straight after can be really hard, like my mind doesn’t want to think or look at it, so look after yourself and jot things down when you feel good about doing it x

[Dahlia23]

I just came into this forum and read this, it’s so strange because I have exactly the same issues here- I seem to forget things too . I know that things have consistently been hard with him but it’s like my mind just blanks out the details . I have started noting things down on my phone as they happen to help with this and also so I don’t feel like I’m going mad and partly so I stop doubting myself(he’s got a way of making me feel like it’s all my fault even though it’s not) . Happy occasions are always spoilt . We have a family event coming up – I wrote on here about it a while a go , I’ve been dreading it as I had a feeling he would ruin it for me , it’s not long now and he has now said that he will not attend . He’s giving me the silent treatment . We have a lot to organise at the moment various other events/trips coming up too and it just makes it so awkward and difficult when he’s behaving this way . I’m sure in a way it’ll be easier for me with him not being there but I’ll still have to come home to him and his misery . I feel guilty too and I don’t know why . I think this memory thing is probably a coping mechanism though as others have said . And chronic stress can affect memory too , it does for me anyway .  I wish I had the answers and could help in some way , other than to say I hear you and I totally get it ! Hard to find people who truly understand sometimes . It really does make me sad so many have to go through this nonsense . I always think to myself ‘life really doesn’t need to be this difficult ‘. It’s just a shame they don’t see that. X

[Happybelle]

I’m out the other side of it now but even now my brain keeps saying that it wasn’t that bad!

then I revisit my list. The long list of bad behaviour, the stealing, the aggression the unexplained disappearances. It all comes back. Perhaps even write down how you felt at the time of whatever incident. It will help remind you in the present and also in the future.

not sure why our minds block this all out. I can only imagine it’s a way of coping x

[Happybelle]

slight link here but also if you write it down it can be very helpful should you need the police and have to give additional information or evidence of events x

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