Memory fade

[Happybelle]

It’s only been a short time really since my relationship thankfully came to an end. I’ve been reflecting on pretty much everything but am wondering why the things that were really bad don’t feel like a big deal anymore. Is it because they were all consuming at one point but now I’m free they don’t matter anymore or is it that it was so bad my brain is blocking it all out! I can’t decide.
Whilst I don’t want to disapppear I to a pit of navel gazing about it all I don’t want my brain to simply sweep it under the carpet like it never happened. It’s weird. Anyone else had this!?

[Galabeee]

Hi @Happybelle
Yes I get this too – things that were all consuming at the time fading (or me forgetting completely) – I think maybe as not living in survival mode all the time. Maybe your mind has space to think of other things and let them in when it’s not constantly trying to figure out how to be/stay safe (or leave) .

It might not be either or… but as you say I think brains are very clever too at trying to block out just how bad it was . I felt like I was in a fog/ dream like state for quite a long time after leaving (and I’m yet to make it final – I’ve not gone back but it feels quite temporary in terms of nothing is very secure my end) . It’s starting to feel like I’m a bit more grounded now but I think I’m a bit numb at times to how bad things got/ how scared I felt at the time.
You aren’t on your own feeling this way .
g x

[Happybelle]

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond on this. Glad to hear I’m not the only one!
I’m literally selling my home to pay myself back for debts created as a result of our relationship and I’m like “shrug” ok then! I feel like I should be furious or in a heap but I’m just practical head on and get on with things.
I start counselling next week so let’s see, might help unlock things. Until then I’m just enjoying the peace and quiet!!

[swanlake]

Our brains are strange aren’t they? Sometimes I have flashbacks and nightmares and sometimes I don’t remember much at all. I’m hoping that memories will continue to fade.
Though I have also had counselling and group therapy to try to deal with my experiences especially as I’ve had mental health issues.
Perhaps these feelings come in waves rather like grief there are various stages but not necessarily linear or in a particular time frame x

[Healingspirit]

I was totally the same, focusing on organising all of the practical things. It could be the resilience you’ve built up. It could be a coping mechanism. It may be a method of controlling the things that you can control. For myself I think I was just so over everything, so fed up of all these feelings. I felt like I’d already felt all of these emotions before the actual end of the relationship and had nothing left. A few months later it caught up with me but even then didn’t last long, I was just done. It’s definitely important to deal with it, but your brain also needs to recover and accept that it’s safe for now. Like what’s already been said, our brains are weird and have their own strange ways of coping. There’s no right or wrong though, we’re all individual.

[Escapedbuthaunted]

I get what you mean, I’m several years out but took til a few years ago to get courage to file for divorce. Since I have learned with help to lessen the impact of trauma reducing to almost none at all the waking nightmares and flashbacks. It all seems to feel more like watching a TV program where it’s someone else. I think it’s part our brains way of helping us cope and function again and be able to move on.
Otherwise we be living in a never ending nightmare. I don’t think it will ever disappear completely as the experience has made you/us the strong women we are today. All I know is I don’t want to let him have any power over how I am now from memories of what he did becos then he is still the one with control. So I look on it as my brains way of giving me the control. Hope that makes sense 🤔

[Cloudy]

Hey Happybelle,
I was pleased to come across your thread today, I’ve been in the process of leaving my relationship over the past couple weeks and collected my things to officially move back to my family home over the weekend. I also feel like my memory of what happened is fading, to the point where I’ve taken a lot of the blame for the ending of our relationship during our final conversation. I also think it’s down to finally feeling safe and out of that survival mode, I feel like I just need rest (both my mind and body). Also due to remaining practical and planning ahead, occupying our minds rather than letting them drift to that place where we felt constantly on edge with our nervous systems heightened.
Another thing I’ve been struggling with is that I’m being impatient and want everything to move so fast, like I’m annoyed that I don’t have any savings built up and am instead paying off debts due to the financial control in the relationship. I have a plan for saving, but just want it to happen right now, even though I know realistically it’s going to take some months.
My friend reminded me to be kind to myself and take each day as it comes – every day will be different, and we shouldn’t expect ourselves to feel one particular way.
Take care xx

[PatientPlatypus]

Women are wonderful! Our brains do such an amazing job…I found that I still now several years on don’t recall things. I think that living in a survival state also means that your brain doesn’t encode the events as memories properly as well as then taking steps to “file” the ones that do encode in a way that lets us survive and get practical stuff done. I found it so helpful to write it all down. Get it out there so I don’t HAVE to remember. I hope you find peace. Take care x

[MissIndependant]

I think we sometimes sweep the abuse under the carpet and say to ourselves it’s not that bad. When you live in a toxic relationship it simply becomes the norm.
It’s not until you speak to people that you realise this isn’t love and it’s not a normal relationship.
I also don’t have a lot of recollection, although even after I’ve left I still get interrogated by my ex, so I’ve not fully escaped the abuse. I sometimes have to look through the text messages and notes I’ve made to jog my memory of how bad it really is. I’ve also had counselling and did a lot of crying, I think it helped but I still don’t think I’ve really accepted how bad things got. I still find it difficult to accept that I can do what I want when I want!

[Indeepindance]

I’ve had this problem too and still do, I’m having to ask friends and family members to remind me of things I’d told them as my memory can’t retain it. All it wants to recall are the loving, fun and sensitive and caring moments which makes this separation absolute agony.
Mine blocked me after I left and I didn’t go quietly, it all came out everything I’d been suppressing for months, so I’m left with the silence wondering whether I overreacted and trying to remind myself it was him starting something again. I’m still crying too for the loss of what I thought would be our future. And yeah can relate to not being ready to do whatever I want, I don’t want to do anything without them, so messed up…..

[Door mouse]

It’s like having a suitcase of new just washed bedding and clothing the memory is still there just a little fresher It’s a lovely feeling I didn’t know what survival mode was until today feeling at peace gone full circle and in survival mode deeply content after leaving refuge and having been given the opportunity for a fresh start Thank you womans aid

[Author]

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