Mental health insecurities and abuse

[Everhopeful321]

Hi,

Still here, still reading, still yo-yo-ing..

So today has turned into a bad day, it’s literally like he wakes up in the morning with a black cloud over him and I know that it’s only a matter of time. Something insignificant went wrong, easily remedied, but becomes a big issue, a cause for ignoring me, being distant. And then that rolls into him questioning me about whether I’ve talked to anyone, been in contact with anyone…he is very insecure, paranoid about me talking to other people.

I got quite upset about it today because its starting to make me feel so anxious, I can’t control it. He is then angry, he says (detail removed by moderator), because he’s upset me (the anger makes it worse though). My emotions feel all over the place, I suddenly am apologising for being upset.

He blames his poor mental health, his insecurity, (detail removed by moderator), and that I should understand this and be helping him. And so this is my question- where is the line between struggling with mental health and abuse? I don’t mean to upset anyone but I’m so confused. I once spoke to a WA advisor who said ‘not everyone with mental health problems abuses their partner’ and I suppose that’s stuck with me. But I need help, I’m finding this so hard

[Lisa]

Hi Everhopeful321

I am sorry to hear about your bad day, I can understand why you are upset.

It can be really confusing when your partner has a mental health condition and blames this for his behaviour, but mental health conditions don’t cause abuse. Like your WA adviser said, there are people who have a mental illness and are healthy and supportive partners.

If your partner has a mental illness and is abusive towards you, it’s important to keep in mind that the mental illness and the abusive behaviours need to be handled separately by the abusive partner. It is the abusive partner’s responsibility to seek out support and create their own plan for managing their mental illness and be accountable for their abusive behaviour.

Even if your partner does have a mental illness, there is never an excuse for abuse. Abuse is a choice someone makes in order to maintain power and control over a partner.

I hope this helps, please keep posting to let us know how you are,

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

yeah, they are separate things. Many blame their abuse on alcohol too, but its the same story, loads of people get hammered on alcohol regularly and don’t abuse their families.

He needs to take responsibility for both, if he won’t there is simply nothing you can do for him, but there is plenty you can do to help yourself. You don’t have to go down with him.

warmest wihses

ts

[Everhopeful321]

I have days where I feel strong, I feel like I won’t let it get to me, I won’t react, I will stick to what I know is true – that I am not hiding anything from, that I haven’t talked to anyone behind his back (apart from this forum -does that count?), that I am not conspiring against him but when it starts he will push and push until I’m crying and apologising for making him feel that I’m doing all these things, even though I’m not. He’ll then say he needs help, to talk to someone but it never happens, then suddenly he’s back to being nice, functioning normally as if nothing happened. How can I help him, and if I can’t help him how do I leave when he says he will end his life if I do

[Twisted Sister]

Hi, thats awful for you, just appalling that your life seems so taken over by his life.

If he threatens to end his life, then you must call the police so that the professionals can deal with this, not you. He is not your child and therefore you are not responsible for his life, just prioritising your own.

Under normal circumstances I agree, its part of a relationship to not reveal to others what cloe friends may reveal to you in confidence, but those things are not abusive, they are personal and private things that a friend would be mortified if you shared. This is different, it really is. There’s never an abusive secret that should be kept, its what mentally puts you in prison, puts bars in your mind that you struggle to escape from. He knows full well that ifyou tell others about his behaviours that he will be revealed, all his abuses will be revealed.

The problem is his own, and yes, he needs helps that you cannot provide, but he is taking you down with him. He is not entitled to use you to get well, and he can’t get well by repeating this pattern either, it just reinforces his insecurities and illness, and he thinks, validates, his abuse.

You must alert services to his threat to himself if you leave, prior to you leaving, or that someone be there when you leave, like the police who will witness his behaviour.

I know its not easy to do, if it was so many would not be stuck in it, but it bving hard doesn’t mean its not possible if done in a particular way.

Do you have somewhere you could go short-term?

I have heard of councils hearing and listening to abused partners in their properties, and have made lease changes in favour of the woman, but it needs handling carefully so you are protected.

What do you think he might say if you saidyou can’t cope with this anymore? would he then threaten suicide? This is your red flag to leave if so.

take care and prioritise yourself over his needs. You have your own needs which you must meet if you are not to go down further.

warmerst wishes

ts

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