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Are a direct result of mental and emotional assaults. Thats how human minds deal with mental abuse and emotional assaults. Yet if we walk into a hospital with broken bones and bruises there is a different reaction. Not one mental health worker ever told me that the mental injuries i suffered were just a normal reaction to extreme emotional and psycological abuse. It should be as simple as that. Mental and emotional bruises and breaks. Deliberately causes by abuse. In my opionion much more damaging and long lasting.
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First thing one family member said on telling we had split – “He didn’t hit you did he?”.
I wanted to shout – “No he didn’t hit me. Why is that always the worst thing these men can do??! What about the years of crushing my spirit, belittling me, making me feel confused, obligated and guilty? Why does that not ‘count’? Yes, in the end he was violent. Not with his fists, sure, but his intimidation and physical presence helped him perpetrate his sick sexual assaults on me.”So instead, I said “No, he never hit me.”
But he has left me and my children with wounds and scars, as deep as if he had come at us with knives. They’re just invisible…
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Hi kip
You are so right .my ex never ever hit me .he threatened too though ..His cruel words he used on me was like a thousand knifes he stuck in my heart…
It’s taking me so long to recover..
And he said he loved me …
I just can’t seem to get his actions out my head
Someone who says he loves me ..does not use
Pheodphile tactics ..I just hope I never see him kip
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I so agree Kip and Iwillbeok. I’ve had to deal with a loved one not understanding my emotional wounds.. I was out. I should be happy now. Fullstop. Grieving and tending to emotional and mental wounds are not necessary. Because I no longer live with my abuser. All is well. They cant see a physical wound so my pain shouldn’t exist.
My mind didnt even allow me to feel fear when I lived with him. Only when i was in a safe place did my mind let down its guard. Now triggers end with me curled up tightly in my bed, hiding from the world. I am grateful i have a counsellor who supports me. She listens and tells me it will take time. -
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I definitely agree that mental abuse is much more damaging, KIP. It’s particularly vicious because people can be so dismissive of emotional and psychological abuse because, as well as mental health issues in general, because there’s a distinct lack of understanding about it. It often means we aren’t taken seriously and feel like we’re exaggerating, creating our own problems, or that we did something to deserve it, which just reinforces what the abuse teaches us.
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Hi Shimmy, yes, sadly even doctors, psychiatrists, psycologists never mentioned the words domestic abuse. In decades of mental health problems they just taught me breathing techniques and pumped me full of anti depressants when I wasnt even clinically depressed. Ive spent the last years learning all about domestic abuse and the impact on mental health. Especially when we are not taken seriously and its almost unbelievable how many professionals missed the opportunity to help me. The signs were there for them to read loud and clear but they just didnt want to go there. My GP was a nightmare.
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Thats a shame. I had a real mixed bag with the Police too. These men never change and Karma will catch up with them x when he does it to another woman they have your statement. Thats all we can really do. Its not your fault. (detail removed by moderator)We just have to make the most of where we are x
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(detail removed by moderator).so I agreed to what was suggested, the easiest thing- no contact. If I was mentally and emotionally stronger I would have taken his a*s in front of every judge I could. But I couldnt handle it at the time. Not sure I can handle it now either.He treats women like s**t ALL THE TIME. The special ones get to taste his fists. (detail removed by moderator). They expect me, the confused victim to be ready to defend myself… I guess you are right we have to make the best of where we are… when I am stronger I for one intend to try to improve things.
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I found holding the system to account very empowering. I shouted at the top of my lungs how unfair the system was. You will get stronger and you will speak out. You may even get the chance to support another of his victims in court in future. They never change. I’m just waiting on that knock on the door saying another victim has come forward. I will get my Sunday best suit on and trott merrily down to that court next time. Last time I was a wreck but I’m not that same woman.
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I hope that things are starting to change. The fact that people can be charged and convicted of encouraging someone to kill themselves (as my ex did to me) is positive. Partners can also be charged with coercive and controlling behaviour. This includes psychological abuse that causes ‘serious alarm or distress’ that has ‘an adverse affect on day to day activities’.
On this basis my partner could have been charged and convicted as I ended up seriously anxious, depressed and suicidal as a result of his behaviour.
In general people minimise or ignore abuse that they can’t see, but I hope that the more we speak out and educate others the more recognition psychological abuse will get.
I fell down the stairs the other day and ended up a with a big, deep bruise on my hip. I looked at it and thought that my brain would be like that in every place where my ex had insulted, undermined and manipulated me.
Imagine if every emotional attack left a mark on our bodies like the bruises we get from being hit. How would we look? -
You are so right, KIP.
Mental health professionals in this country do not know anything and do not understand anything. I have no idea where they learn that nonsense they believe in.
The UK is known for their painfully bad mental health service.
The costs of abuse in general are incredibly high, over £ 2 Billion as an estimate per year just for physical health problems.
Instead of looking into this and trying to improve the mental health service the education gets worse and more victorian and the few good things that were there are being cut.
Then they should not complain about the rising costs.
Nothing is being done to reduce abuse and nothing is being done to help the victims. That can only end in a disaster. -
I can tell you what the first idiot told me when I told him my hearing was so very sensitive (I was on high alert, high anxiety state). He said it’s either anxiety or ear problems! What a moron. This was my first attempt at NHS psychology counselling. It’s hilarious looking back now I know so much more than most health professionals about domestic abuse and the mental effects.
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Hi IrisAtwood, some health professionals actually do now agree emotional attacks leave bruises in our physical bodies. Check out “The body keeps the score: brain, mind and body in the healing of trauma” by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk if you want. Its not specific to dv but it argues that alot of people don’t heal from trauma even with counseling because the wounds are not just in the brain. He recommends a healing approach that includes practices that heal the physical body, practices like yoga etc.
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My husband abused me in every way ,physical, emotional, financial and sexually. I can honestly say the hitting was by far the easiest to deal with. My mental health is rock bottom. I’ve been suicidal, I have extreme anxiety and recently had to see the doctor as I began self harming. I got referred to my local mental health team once and they said it was just situational and I basically had every reason to be depressed. I’m just so broken and I just don’t see how I am going to be able to put myself back together again.
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Its scary the discrepancy in the standard of care and attitudes towards mental health and it’s link with abuse. There should be a better service… I know many of us suffer financially so can’t afford therapy specifically for abuse.
I’ve always had anxiety but never ever to the degree in this relationship. I can’t believe myself that I’ve been abused so I guess I can see why some don’t believe us. I’m the crazy one… he’s the charming community man with an admirable job. I just want help…. to forget the pain, to make sure I heal and can be healthy again.
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