Mental scars

[magnum1]

I’m finding it more difficult mentally now than I did when I ended the relationship and marriage. When I first left I felt free, empowered and like I could learn to love and be myself again.

I did things for me and put myself first. I’ve just moved into a new house and everything is mine and in so many ways I’ve rebuilt my life and it’s been so hard but I’ve got there.

But then when I hear a loud noise, I jump. When someone speaks to me in a certain tone, it feels like I’m not in the room anymore. Like I want to speak, but I can’t. Like something is rising from my toes to my mouth and I can’t stop it. It’s overwhelming and I don’t know what name I should give to the feeling because the feeling is so awful.

I’m not good enough. I’m fat. I’m mentally ill. I am incapable. Those words spin in my head over and over again. They make me feel numb. I know they’re not true deep down and on good days. But on days like today I feel like that’s all I am.

I’ve met someone else and he is the kindest person who adores me and tells me the opposite of those things above and I want to believe him and I’m trying and I know one day I’ll get there. I worry about the impact of my unpredictable moods and feelings will have in the long run. Am I too broken? And it’s for me to put those pieces back together not him. I just wish I could forget all the scars and forget. But at the moment there seems to be so many triggers and I’m struggling.

Maybe just needed a rant x

[Whiteflower]

Please don’t think you’re to broken, you unfortunately ended up in an abusive relationship because you’re empathetic and loving which unfortunately is the trait that made us an easy target. Time is a healer, you’ve experienced an awful trauma, it sounds to me that you may be struggling from the trauma, we deal with trauma in a strange way, sometimes if we don’t really work through those bad experiences and put them in a box at the back of our mind so to speak without actually facing them it can cause PTSD, people with this often are incredibly jumpy from loud noises etc, have you ever spoken to a professional, mental health team etc about the abuse you suffered? Maybe this might be an option to help you work through it all, please don’t feel as though there is no hope! you will get through this and be happy again! Good luck for the future, you’ve got this! You just need time to build yourself back up again X

[magnum1]

Thank you so much x I think I’ll definitely look into talking to my doctor about getting counselling . Your message has really helped xx

[savingthestars]

I think it is important to understand that leaving abuse isnt just walking out the door. It can leave scars, that are not visable to the outside world. Scars others dont understand. It stops trust. It stops normality. It stops feeling safe, even in safe situations. It will take time, for the reactions to subside. but try to remember you are so strong, just by the fact that you can still stand. You breathe the air, because you made the move. And, that makes you titanium.

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