Merry Go Round

[ocean20]

Hi everyone,
I’ve never posted on here before so this feels strange.
I don’t know where to start I’m just seeking solace I suppose.
I’ve had a really good and strong couple of weeks with him with no massive arguments and no looking for reasons to argue from him.
But the last couple of days have been torture.
It’s funny a few days ago I felt his energy shift and I just knew we would fall out that night, that he would find something I said or did to have a go at me. And he managed to find something. So it was a massive argument and although he took something I said the wrong way, he refused to listen to reason or let me make him feel better. It’s like he wants to hate me or think bad of me. He getting this mood where he just wants to be angry and it’s almost always directed at me. He’ll find a reason to and I’m on eggshells.
He swore and shouted and called me names and beat one of the doors up.
It took me a whole day of grovelling for him to be normal with me again. I find myself so relieved he’s not being nasty to me that I don’t challenge his overeaction.
Then (detail removed by moderator) another pop at me about something trivial. I just didn’t text him all day I was so frustrated he ruined the start to my day.
Then (detail removed by moderator), he went ballistic at me because my tracker on my phone (detail removed by moderator) Technology fails! It wasn’t good enough. He was screaming at me (detail removed by moderator) Again, I had to grovel and plead to calm him down.
(detail removed by moderator) but he’s drinking a lot and hes said to me if I ever try to leave him he will kill me. I feel very trapped and isolated and alone. And scared. I don’t know how to survive a way out. I am so far from my family. He’s told me if I ever leave I have to leave the country because he’ll find me and kill me. In a lovey dovey kind of way. It’s sickening and terrifying.
(detail removed by moderator)
It’s my house that him and his kids live with me in.
It really upsets me when he trashes the house and breaks things in temper. I then replace them, not him.
Long message but thank you if you read this. I’m just venting. It all sounds so trivial and stupid.
I’m just really scared for him to come back tonight I won’t be able to sleep I know. He’s so unpredictable and violent when he’s like this.

[tiredofitall]

Welcome to this site, please be reassured that what you describe is not trivial or silly and you should come on here as much as you like. We all understand and are here for you.
It sounds very scary and I know most of us have lived or are living in a state of permanent anxiety in our own homes. It doesn’t have to be like that.
Its easy to say but I think you might find talking to your local womens aid helpful. From all the posts I read on here, they won’t make you do anything you don’t want to but they will help support you and can tell you how you can end things safely if you want to.
My ex was very much like this, I stopped trying to make our house nice because I knew he’d break things, especially anything I cared about. So I stopped caring.
And he never wanted to resolve ab argument, he wanted to go on and on.
Please keep sharing on here and know you are nor alone x

[ocean20]

Thank you Tired of it all x thats exactly how I feel like I’m in a constant state of anxiety in what’s meant to be my safe place. I have never felt so unwell in my body and so out of control in my whole life.
This site and comments like yours do make me feel less alone, so thank you x

[Happybelle]

Feel for you.
Mine, for now, lives in my house and he also has broken things in a temper. The kids are not diligent and I’ve just found (detail removed by Moderator) on the wallpaper. It is so frustrating. On top of that, he thinks it’s ok to be rude or aggressive when he doesn’t get his own way.
Currently calm but I am already on edge as soon it will be pay day and that’s when the real arguments start again. He will want money for things he shouldn’t spend money on. It’s so awful knowing their moods and when you’re going to get a verbal load of abuse.
I hope you can find some solace from these pages. I certainly have x

[ocean20]

Thank you Happybelle x that is definitely the worst part knowing their mood has changed and I try to ask has something happened are you okay, you seem a bit off. But I’m met with a brick wall and just have to wait for the storm to roll in. It makes me feel physically sick waiting for it. Whatever I do or say is wrong. Feel for you x

[Happybelle]

Also adding in – it is your home. He has no right. I have found that sharing the situation with friends has really helped. They are all on standby if I need it. I also found that more people than you realise have been through these things and it’s so sad but you also know they’ve been here and know what to do to help x

[ocean20]

Both him and his kids don’t act like it’s my home, they act like it’s theirs. I’m never asked how I feel about anything or how I am coping.
I don’t really have any friends. The only friends I do have have known him longer and I can’t tell my family. They live so far away they would just worry but wouldn’t be able to help x

[Happybelle]

The distance of your family I swear they rely on that. Mine are a significant drive away and they also don’t really know becasue they’d worry. I am relocating to be with them this year and I can’t wait. All havoc will break loose when I tell them all about it in the coming weeks as I need some help to move.
These people are despicable. If I think back now to start of the relationship I feel sick that I can now see how played I have been from the start.
I’m at the point now it’s my home, my life and it’s too short to feel like this for the rest of it. Next few weeks and months will be very tough mentally but it has to be worth it.

[Author]

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