Missing being a family

[cakepops]

Now that lockdown is easing I am suddenly struggling with seeing all these ‘happy’ families everywhere, meeting up with other families and having fun. I had finally got used to this before lockdown, and had made great progress in finding other ways to socialise both on my own and with my kids. Then covid meant that friends and family locally have really restricted who they spend time with, and I’m just not on their radar any more. It feels a bit like the whole world has moved on again and I’m still stuck in my little bubble. My ex has also now moved on and has a new partner who has her own kids and they are all off doing family things together, which seems unfair. Meanwhile I feel like I’m stuck in limbo.

I don’t want a new relationship because I’ve not recovered from the abuse. But I miss having other people around. I do lots with the kids but it’s lonely not having other adults to share these things with. There’s no single parent groups locally, I can’t join clubs because I have no childcare every week, and I’m just generally feeling a bit lonely.

I don’t think there’s much advice I need as such, just wanted a moan 🙂

[ISOPeace]

I’m in a similar position in not wanting a new relationship yet but wanting the family experience. It must feel really unfair that your ex seems to have that. I’m sure the reality is that he, as an abuser, is still unable to truly connect with others and feel happy within himself. So he has sought the thing he thinks will make him happy – a partner that he can force I to submission.

I think it will take us a while to get back into socialising like we did before and reconnect with people.

Are there any family groups near you? We go to a national thing called (detail removed by moderator) once a month that has craft and activities. It might not be the first thing you’d think of if you’re not religious. You don’t have to have any connection with the church or even be a Christian. The stories and activities are based on the bible. I’m not religious at all but I find it a good way to talk to my kids about people having different beliefs. I’ve found the community aspect so lovely and have met new people through it. Xxxx

[Lottieblue]

Hi Cakepops,

I so know what you mean, it’s hard isn’t it? My kids are a bit older but they are still dependants so their “home” is what I walked away from. I sometimes find myself yearning for those family mealtimes and the love and the laughter but then I force myself to remember that that wasn’t really real. That was what I wanted, it happened occasionally, but most of the time, it just didn’t, and I found myself constantly dreading the kids say **** this and pushing off, and not really coming back because it was all so toxic.

Are there any volunteering opportunities around you? I am looking for work but in the meantime a local food charity has become like family to me. I do as much or as little as I want – many of the people that I work with are students or not much older than my own kids and I enjoy a really nice relationship with them. Have a look around for that sort of opportunity as it has saved my life in the past few months.

Hang on in there. We’ll all be ok in the end.

LB 💕💕💕

[Anonymous]

I’m so used to being alone due to lockdown that I actually worry that I don’t yearn to be around others anymore. I ended a relationship that I realised was another toxic one and at the moment I feel a sense of relief being alone or being alone with my children. But yes I miss being able to do things as a family. I think it will take time to recalibrate after lockdown and you will get back to where you were before lockdown in time. Situations change… we meet new people in time. Feel free to offload whenever you need to… it really helps knowing there are caring people on here who understand how you feel.

[Camel]

Hi Cakepops

Moan away! 🙂

Lockdown has been hard for everyone in lots of different ways. In my case I’d moved across (detail removed by moderator) before covid, I already worked mostly from home, I live alone, don’t have a garden and don’t drive. I have friends and family locally but obviously couldn’t see them. Everyone hunkered down, pulled up the drawbridge. We didn’t have a choice.

So I have to disagree when you say you’re no longer on your friends’ and family’s radar. People haven’t moved on – none of us have had anywhere to move on to. When you describe being in a little bubble, that’s probably the same for many of us. There’s no reason to think your friends are lost to you. Reach out, ask how they’ve been, tell them you’ve missed them.

It must be hard being a single parent to young children. Yet you know from experience that being a two parent family isn’t all roses. I wouldn’t feel jealous that your ex has moved on. But I would feel sorry for his new partner. God, just imagine what lockdown was like for her.

[True2myself]

I totally get this. My kids are older so don’t like to sit and chat with me. Few weeks ago I had a freak out that all my street were in garden having fun and I found myself feeling very alone. I’m so feeling same but it’s a little bit easier now I expect it. Kids never wanna go out and want to just stay in their rooms, I have zero interest in going out with friend or family. I just sit with the dog all day. I don’t really know what this means though. Just want left alone and chat to ppl online who understand.

[cakepops]

Thanks, I knew people here would understand.

I do feel really sorry for the new partner overall as she’s no idea what she’s getting herself into. Having said that, I know that in the early stages it will all be love and charm and wonderful playing happy families and I miss that bit even though I know it was toxic really (and a long long time ago!).

I equally know that loads of other people looking like happy families aren’t really like that at all. It’s little things like watching the kids having fun at the park and having to sit on my own while others are there with both parents. Or having no one to celebrate the tiny achievements or the silly moments.

I know that everyone is stuck in little bubbles still to an extent, but what I’ve found is that I don’t really fit into previous friendship groups where they are all married couples. Partly its situational as I moved away a little so my kids are in different school/nursery from the families I used to be close to, but also I think people find it uncomfortable being around be often. I remember so many conversations shutting down abruptly pre lockdown where people would be chatting about, say, summer hols and I would have to say I’m just staying at home as can’t afford it and court means I don’t know when I’m free. But if I gloss over things too much I end up feeling bad too.

It’s all so rubbish really, and very lonely. Thanks for letting me share though as it helps a bit 🙂

[Sleepypigeon]

Hi,

Completely understand this to.
Lockdown was good in the sense after I got out of the relationship with ex I didn’t have to face anyone. But then I got used to the isolation and struggling now that things are opening up.
I have a few close friends but they are married so I don’t fit in with them now.
It does hurt seeing others out doing family things together. Trying my best to do things on my own and keep going for my kids but it is lonely and difficult at times.
Just wanted to share that I’m feeling the same, and that your not alone in these feelings.
Xx

[Camel]

Maybe these other mums felt a bit awkward and didn’t know what to say. They probably didn’t mean to be rude or unfriendly. It is a bit of a minefield.

[Author]

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