Missing Him

[itwillbeokay]

It’s been months now since I left with our children. I’m in counselling, on anti depressants (I’ve required neither ever before and am in my (detail removed by moderator)) but today it’s hit me like a ton of bricks that I feel like I’m missing him. I now believe he is a covert (detail removed by moderator) so was probably “tricky” our whole relationship which was a very long time. I’ve blocked out a lot I think. But I also loved him very much, he’s the father of my children and he was my best friend, we were quite insular because of how he was.

When does the sadness and down feelings end. Anxiety very high too although I drank a lot at a party at the weekend so possibly linked to that, alcohol seems to leave me feeling anxious these days so I don’t get the enjoyment I used to!

What am I missing. He was unemployed, wasn’t a good husband, as a father he was just fine really but didn’t do much, he disrespected me and our relationship and my boundaries always and emotionally abused me pretty regularly. I had developed hyper vigilance by the time I fled. So why do I feel so sad and like I want to contact him and tell him what he’s done to me.

Ugh.

Xx

[Anonymous]

It wasn’t all bad. If it was bad every second of every day you would have got out sooner. These people hold us to them because, from time to time, life was wonderful, exhilarating, comforting. It’s not him you miss, it’s the lovely feelings you had sometimes when you were with him. Your job now is, in time, to recreate those wonderful feelings all by yourself and for your self. It’s very early days still. It will come. Try to do something nice for yourself every day. Even if it’s only sticking your feet in a basin of hot water and lashing some
Moisturiser on them after. Little things build up into bigger things. Right now do the tiny ones you can.

And do you really want to tell him what he’s done to you? Really? Do you really want to share that private part of you again only to show him you’re still putting your energy into him and not into you? I’m not sure you do. Rejoice that you found the strength and knowledge. Look forward, not back for back is not where you are going.

[Poodlepower]

I miss my partner very,very much too. I think about him all the time and talk to him in my mind. I was so happy with him- we lived in a little bubble together and I’ll never love anyone as much again….
If only he could have stopped the abuse, we’d be together still. But I just couldn’t let myself be with a man who felt he was justified in trapping me in rooms, depriving me of sleep, physically restraining me, insulting me horribly and controlling my whole life. He lied to me and stole from me too. Logically, I shouldn’t have loved him. But I really did and I miss him terribly. Nobody who hasn’t been through this will understand.

[Author]

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