Missing physical affection

[IrisAtwood]

My ex was abusive. But he was also very physically affectionate. He constantly held my hand, cuddled me and stroked me. I realise now that I was like a comfort blanket to him and it was just another way that he used me.

However, (detail removed by moderator) months out and I really, really miss the physical touching. I can’t bear to see other couples in public or on TV touching each other. I have a pet cat, but it is not the same – nowhere near. I even sleep cuddling a pillow. I am hyperaware of other people when they are close to me.

I am determined to not get into another abusive relationship so I am having a break while I sort myself out. But I feel so sad that at my age I may never be cuddled, kissed and stroked again, let alone ever have sex.

[endoftherainbow]

Hello. Gosh I know what you mean! My ex was the same, we were very tactile with each other, im a real hugger! I really miss the physical side of our relationship, and its difficult to speak to others about it, they just say im well rid, which I am. But I know that I will never have the confidence to get into another relationship again, I have zero confidence in myself, also I don’t think I cold ever trust anyone again. I get quite sad when I see other people all cosy together, But the cons outweigh the pros in this case, I might never have sex, but I will never be abused again!! Best buy a Rabbit lol xxxx

[SunshineRainflower]

I can definitely relate to this, I wonder if it is something about being in an abusive relationship that makes the skin hunger worse, because I don’t ever remember feeling that craving for touch when I split up with exes in the past, I remember feeling quite relieved to be single in fact. With them it didn’t take that long to get over but this time it is taking much longer and I cry every day, months on about missing the ‘nice him’ even though I know it was manipulation. I feel like if I started dating again I would just want to talk about my ex all the time which obviously would put new men off, plus I still feel scared that I’ll get manipulated and fooled by an abuser again as I’ve been targeted a few times now.

I read that these abusers act like your perfect partners at first, so it makes sense we would miss the ‘good times’ because they acted perfect then. It was like my ex knew all the ways my previous boyfriends had disappointed me and pretended to be my perfect partner. He started off really affectionate, and also amazing in bed, but by the end he acted irritated with me when I wanted to be affectionate towards him and in bed it was like he used my body like a sex doll. Even so, I loved how masculine he was and much preferred sex with him to my previous boyfriend who was just very disappointing in bed even though he was genuinely loving. This was definitely one of the ways my abusive ex kept me hooked and addicted to him. They use sex like a weapon.

I’d love to just have a new partner who was loving and healthy instead of abusive but I know I’m still vulnerable and need time alone to heal. But I agree it’s so tough when you miss affection and sex! It’s like a terrible craving. I definitely don’t want an affection-less, sexless future, that would be awful in my mind but everyone is different and I have gone through years in the past of not having sex and not missing it at all! I wrote a thread last year about skin hunger suggestions, I’ll see if I can find it to give you some ideas.

[IrisAtwood]

Skin hunger – that’s a good description!
One reason I started a relationship with my ex was that in my previous relationship we went for over a decade without any sex. I managed then, but my God, it feels so cruel that after a number of years of a lot of physical affection I am back here again!
The sex was definitely a way my ex hooked me. It turned out that he wasn’t very sexual himself and refused sex for a long period before we split up – while still cuddling me etc – which was very, very painful.
Feeling used is such a horrible feeling. I remember that from my first abusive relationship. I wasn’t allowed to say no and he even hit me when I didn’t perform how he wanted. I was very young at the time and he was much older.
There are some really horrible, abusive men out there. Its so sad.
I am starting to see the advantages of being away from those men. I feel more confident, starting to do things I like. So maybe skin hunger is a small price to pay.

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